PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, May 27 2010 - Listening to the universe.
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
Ive had a bad week.
I am overwhelmed by so many things right now Im having a difficult time seeing anything good in what Im trying to do as a person, a wife, a friend, an athlete and as someone trying to lose weight. I dont know if its because I crossed over the fifty pound mark or because Im thinner today than I have been since my mid twenties. I dont know if its because I no longer medicate myself with paxil or dont delve into World of Warcraft for eight hours in hopes of riding through an emotional upheavel. I dont know if its because of the pressure to make the right choices and keep moving forward or because Im stressed about a portion of my work coming to an end for the summer. I dont know if its because Im feeling weak when I go to see Superman lately or if its because I just feel like Im not doing enough.
Whatever the reason, I am at a breaking point.
Ive been crying everyday.
When I get up.
When I leave the house.
When I get to the gym.
When I get to work.
When Im driving home.
I feel like Im pushing myself just to function. This is not where I want to be right now. However, it is where I am and unless I do something about it, nothing is going to change. I should have listened to the Universe last Tuesday once the gate to the cryfest was opened but I didnt, so today Universe stepped in again
I got hurt.
I was at the gym today with Superman and wasnt paying attention to what I was doing and rolled my ankle. Bad enough that I heard a pop when I went down in a tangled mess of clumsiness. I probably should have stopped right there and ended the session. I didnt. We took it easy the rest of the time but my ego was just as hurt and I didnt really evaluate the pain in my right ankle as closely as I should have. Now its swollen, painful and doesnt look to be getting any better any time soon.
Ummmm thanks Universe?
As I was crying in the gym shower, I realized I need to take a break. My life is too hectic right now and Im not finding pleasure in anything. Not even the gym which is usually where I find the most comfort. As hard as it is for me to say this, I need to step back, unplug and relax. Just thinking about it upsets me. Not because I think its the wrong thing to do but because Im trying so hard not to beat the crap out myself emotionally for taking a few days to recoup / reevaluate / readjust.
I feel like Im giving up but that doesnt make any sense.
If someone wrote the exact same thing or told me they were going to take a few days off to get back to a strong mental state of awareness I would think Thats spot on! Thats exactly what I would do. But here I am and my mind is screaming Weak! Lazy! Told you, you couldnt! Youll never lose another 50!
I cant get it to shut up.
I know I will survive this episode. Its a part of the healing process, the learning process and the process to moving on. Today it just sucks. Instead of trying to cover up what Im feeling, Im going to do my best to embrace it. I am going to unplug. I am going to relax and I am going to recover.
Heres the plan:
I am not going to the gym until Monday. I dont care if it kills me and if Stinkin Thinking Tara wants to kick and scream all day in my head and call me names I dont give a flying f*ck. If I do go to the gym it will be to check out the Yoga on Sunday at 1030a. Thats it!
I am going to unplug from the rest of the world. No blogging until Monday.
I will not have a weigh in on Saturday.
I will not log my food (though I will stay conscious at all times).
When I wake up in the mornings, I will stay in bed for at least another 30 minutes.
I will nap at least once this weekend
I will allow one indulgence this weekend (once I figure out what my definition for indulgence is).
Every time I look in the mirror I will say something positive about what Ive accomplished in the last 5 months.
I will ice my ankle and do what is necessary to heal properly.
I will not talk bad about the injury.
Thats the plan.
Whats yours?
I am overwhelmed by so many things right now Im having a difficult time seeing anything good in what Im trying to do as a person, a wife, a friend, an athlete and as someone trying to lose weight. I dont know if its because I crossed over the fifty pound mark or because Im thinner today than I have been since my mid twenties. I dont know if its because I no longer medicate myself with paxil or dont delve into World of Warcraft for eight hours in hopes of riding through an emotional upheavel. I dont know if its because of the pressure to make the right choices and keep moving forward or because Im stressed about a portion of my work coming to an end for the summer. I dont know if its because Im feeling weak when I go to see Superman lately or if its because I just feel like Im not doing enough.
Whatever the reason, I am at a breaking point.
Ive been crying everyday.
When I get up.
When I leave the house.
When I get to the gym.
When I get to work.
When Im driving home.
I feel like Im pushing myself just to function. This is not where I want to be right now. However, it is where I am and unless I do something about it, nothing is going to change. I should have listened to the Universe last Tuesday once the gate to the cryfest was opened but I didnt, so today Universe stepped in again
I got hurt.
I was at the gym today with Superman and wasnt paying attention to what I was doing and rolled my ankle. Bad enough that I heard a pop when I went down in a tangled mess of clumsiness. I probably should have stopped right there and ended the session. I didnt. We took it easy the rest of the time but my ego was just as hurt and I didnt really evaluate the pain in my right ankle as closely as I should have. Now its swollen, painful and doesnt look to be getting any better any time soon.
Ummmm thanks Universe?
As I was crying in the gym shower, I realized I need to take a break. My life is too hectic right now and Im not finding pleasure in anything. Not even the gym which is usually where I find the most comfort. As hard as it is for me to say this, I need to step back, unplug and relax. Just thinking about it upsets me. Not because I think its the wrong thing to do but because Im trying so hard not to beat the crap out myself emotionally for taking a few days to recoup / reevaluate / readjust.
I feel like Im giving up but that doesnt make any sense.
If someone wrote the exact same thing or told me they were going to take a few days off to get back to a strong mental state of awareness I would think Thats spot on! Thats exactly what I would do. But here I am and my mind is screaming Weak! Lazy! Told you, you couldnt! Youll never lose another 50!
I cant get it to shut up.
I know I will survive this episode. Its a part of the healing process, the learning process and the process to moving on. Today it just sucks. Instead of trying to cover up what Im feeling, Im going to do my best to embrace it. I am going to unplug. I am going to relax and I am going to recover.
Heres the plan:
I am not going to the gym until Monday. I dont care if it kills me and if Stinkin Thinking Tara wants to kick and scream all day in my head and call me names I dont give a flying f*ck. If I do go to the gym it will be to check out the Yoga on Sunday at 1030a. Thats it!
I am going to unplug from the rest of the world. No blogging until Monday.
I will not have a weigh in on Saturday.
I will not log my food (though I will stay conscious at all times).
When I wake up in the mornings, I will stay in bed for at least another 30 minutes.
I will nap at least once this weekend
I will allow one indulgence this weekend (once I figure out what my definition for indulgence is).
Every time I look in the mirror I will say something positive about what Ive accomplished in the last 5 months.
I will ice my ankle and do what is necessary to heal properly.
I will not talk bad about the injury.
Thats the plan.
Whats yours?
15 comments so far.
15.
a decade ago
Rest. Ice. Compression. Elevation. SLEEP.
And remind yourself that you and your body deserve care & love. If you are stressed out & can't end the cryfest any other way, then it is time for some downtime.
I credit a regular exercise regimen with keeping me off anti-depressants for the past 10 years, btw. But it doesn't mean I don't still have to deal with periods of intense anxiety & stress. So I think your plan is a good plan. Enjoy the unplugging!
by CLOE
14.
a decade ago
Glad that your going to continue to log. You would be missed terribly if you unplugged completely. We love you girl!!
by TNYBUBBLZ
13.
a decade ago
I read this today and was going to ask that you continue to log, even if you splurged, but I thought better of it. Sometimes lovely ladies need to do what they want to do. I'm really happy to see your post in the forum though about logging, it's Never a bad idea. Take a break, lessen your load of exercise a bit and be nice to your feet/legs/ankles. You'll be backto 100% in no time! You're freakin awesome!
=D
:$
:laugh5:
- Your Sister In Neck Punching
by CALYOPI123
12.
a decade ago
Okay after a few hours of contemplation, I'm taking Aliza's advice and will not totally unplug this weekend. I will continue to log and blog. I am taking a break from the gym (except for Yoga on Sunday)...
Thanks everyone for all the thoughts. I really care about all of you!
by PRNCSSGRL
11.
a decade ago
I'm not doing the weekend warrior if you ain't leading it!!! PFFT!!
:)
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
10.
a decade ago
Ok you might not read this beofre you go offline all weekend... I'll still do the Warrior Weekend. You don't know how much you've helped me with that. Last weekend I got my mind back on track and so far I am doing a good job this week.
:love: There is no way to send a virtual bear hug... so I'll send you a virtual kiss on the cheek 
:kiss:
I've been there (not that same exact place) but I recently had the everyday general ick and crying going on, depression. I took a week off. Be mindful of what you eat, if you need to take a break from the logging, just remember to come back to it after vacation. Same thing with the blogging or I'll miss you!!!
Indulge... (maybe not with tons of food) your senses. See if you can book a massage, or take a really nice bath and play some soft music so you focus on that and not inner (defeating)voices. Get a great movie and just cosy up on a chair with a blanket.
by ANIMOSUS777
9.
a decade ago
Someone's just asking for me to come over and punch her in the neck. And I have half a mind to do it!
:)
I agree with keeping up the journalling. Even if your entry is a four-letter curse word and nothing else. I made the mistake of not confronting my emotions head-on and as a result wen through a pretty cruddy period for a while. I should have surrounded myself with positive people and thoughts and support. But I wanted to wither away, tuck myself into my bed and just sleep all day long.
But I do think you need a physical break. THe injury is a sure sign of that. Take it easy physically. Someone once told me every few months they take a whole week off and let their body reset. They even up their calories to maintenance level. You can do what's best for you, but definitely don't disappear. I think you'll realize you need this place just as much as we need you
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
8.
a decade ago
I think there are some very beautiful, poignant, caring, and spot-on advice paragraphs below. And I also think it's OK to unplug and evaluate for a few days. Really work out mentally where you are, where you came from, and where you're headed . . . as long as you don't let a break become a vacation become an indefinite hiding - or even worse - become an end to your healthy life journey. Your body really manifested the stress building in your mind. You built up a significant amount of tension, and you popped. You can no longer ignore the symptoms you were running from, and this time out from hard-core exercise might be just what your internal being needed. Get out a notebook, write down your feelings, and take some restful time to heal, think, and just be. We'll see you Monday.
:kiss:
by ROSERENE
7.
a decade ago
Everyone below said everything I was thinking! So I am going to just add that you are in my thoughts and if you need a shoulder I AM HERE FOR YOU!
:kiss:
by MRSDSB
6.
a decade ago
Tara, I totally agree with Aliza. Rest, give yourself a few breaks, but don't close the world of people who know you and love you out. Continue to to blog, log and generally relate as other human beings are really all there is in this crazy existence. With friends around you, you can face whatever is hurting at least to some extent. Give your friends a chance to be there for you.
Bea
by BDEMOTT
5.
a decade ago
i find it amazing that when you go through such a transformation, it is inevitable that pieces of your old self start to heal. and sometimes that comes in the form of tears. lots of them. what a good place you are in. you are closing parts of your past and just like training is tedious and painful, so is this. i don't know you but i am so proud of you. it takes so much courage to cross this line. but it looks like you have the support of so many people who love you (here on CK and in your own personal life). we are all standing behind you rooting and cheering for you. you've come so far!! well done. thank you universe, indeed!
:)
by SKINNYBITCH
4.
a decade ago
Hi Tara - just wanted to send some kindness your way. I think you know that you're way too hard on yourself. You're one of CK's wise warriors, and your wisdom and strength will soon be available to you again, but for now let your friends support & nurture you. You are wonderful.<BR>Baz
by BAZ185
3.
a decade ago
I love you Tara, and I'm going to be a friend, and if I lose you as one, then I'll take that risk, but because I care for you I'm going to put it out there. I know you WILL persevere through this funk and YOU know deep down inside you will too. Rest, but don't hide. Here are some points to ponder...
Do you really want to shut up that voice? I'm glad its coming out....I want you to FIGHT that entity, ACKNOWLEDGE IT, WRITE about IT, SHOW up, and FACE it, until its gone....don't hide/run away from it. Sleep because your tired, not because you think it'll go away, it won't. Honor it. Honor that funk by being creative and either putting it on paper, painting, cooking, reading poetry, drawing, etc. I think you should, if work allows it, go put blue streaks in your hair, one that signfies warrior strength and freedom. Freedom of getting rid of this entity that is disturbing you.
I think you SHOULD log, I think you SHOULD blog, I think you SHOULD eat, in moderation and track it, so you become more educated in the how much certain foods are in caloric value.
I think you SHOULD accept the fact that you ARE human and love, respect, and know that you are a beautiful woman, one that has many things to offer in the CK community, one that has survived death, neglect, discrimination, turmoil and a bunch of other yucky stuff that perhaps you had more than your fair share.
Don't shut your healthier self out, don't shut your friends out.
Hang in there,
Aliza
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
2.
a decade ago
Hang in there girl. Times get tough on us from to time to time but you know you can pull through this, your stronger now then you ever have been in your life. I think your plan might be exactly what you need right now. Take some time off to just relax and reinvest in you. Hugs girl!
:kiss:
by TNYBUBBLZ
1.
a decade ago
I think your plan is spot on. You've accomplished a tremendous amount in a short amount of time. Your mind/emotions just need to catch up with your body. Embrace the *suckiness* of it and do what you need to do for you. When your mind screams with *Weak! Lazy! etc * make a conscious effort to scream back *No, I am not*. Need to make the positive statements bigger and louder than the negatives. In time, the positives WILL BE bigger and louder.
:kiss:
Someone on CK suggested to take lipstick and draw a heart on your bathroom mirror surrounding your face. I think that is a good idea. You are definitely worth it! Warriors need to rest to continue the battles to win the ultimate war.
Have a hug and some peace...
by MAURABARTLEY