I'm not even sure how to begin this entry this morning.

Honestly I guess.

Last night I made myself sick.

Not on accident.

On purpose.

There is nothing like writing a entry and crying your eyes out at the same time while trying to keep your emotions in check so that you can keep a clear head about what is going on emotionally. I almost didn't want to write this entry this morning. I thought if I just let it go then no one will be the wiser. What's the point of that? Isn't this journey about being accountable for all actions? It's about recoginzing old behaviors and while we often stumble down the same path wondering "why did I do that", we're constantly looking for a new path in which to travel in hopes of finding a new destination.

I wanted to write about it last night. I waited because I didn't want it to be a "beat the hell out of Tara" session. I'm still trying not to get all freaked out and throw myself down into some pit of self loathing that can take days/weeks to recover. I'm just going to sit in front of this computer and work it out to the best of my ability. I'm not posting this entry on FB or Twitter because this is more about me and not about sharing with the world one of the hardest things I have to think about.

Best to start at the beginning.

I've been feeling a little more than anxious since arriving to Cincinnati. I probably thought too much about the "what if's" before coming and not enough about the "so what's". In hind sight everything has been great. I've been working out an hour a day, my calories have been spot on, I've eaten food that, while it might not be the best thing out there, it was pretty damn tasty in my mouth and it was only something I could get while here. Sunday was no different. I knew about our day's plan. I knew we were going to Olive Garden after the graduation ceremony. I planned accordingly. I checked the menu. I checked the nutritional value on every item. I picked what I was going to eat. I knew there would be a dessert waiting for us once we got home. I pre-calculated that into my calories as close as possible. I swayed just a tiny bit while eating out. I ordered what I planned. I did not eat any of the appetizers. I did eat more bread and salad than originally alotted. No big deal. The meal was great. We get home and it's time for dessert.

It's downhill from there.

Here's the strange part. I had alotted this into my calorie count. I wasn't over. I ate the one piece. In fact I didn't even eat the entire piece. Three quarters of the way through, something in my mind sent me into a panic. I can't explain it. I don't even know what I was thinking. I toss the rest of the cake and before you can even shake a finger at me and say "don't you do it"...I'm in the bathroom. I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm having a battle inside my head but I don't know what's being said. I know there was some sort of weighing of the options. I should have just allowed myself to sit with the notion of eating something and feeling uncomfortable. I know I said those things in my head:

"It's okay, you're still in your calorie count"

"What you feel at this moment, is not what you're going to feel later"

"Tara, go for a walk instead"

"Seriously, it's going to be okay"

The next thing I know, I'm making myself sick. I haven't had an urge this strong since way before Decemeber. Maybe even since the Summer. I wish I could say I knew why I did it. I don't. I know I didn't like the way my body felt after consuming the food and so much water and then the dessert just sort of tipped me over. I didn't gorge myself. I don't know if the amount of sugar consumed in a short amount of time made me a little crazy. I think it's a combination of many things. Eating out. My heart rate monitor giving me lower kcal burns than I had anticipated. Not having a gym to access for the last 4 days. Being away from home. Not having a routine. I don't really feel in control of my surroundings.

Turning to a bulemic episode brought me some control.

So here I am today. Trying my best to look forward and know that the choices I made last night, while not the best by any means were just that: Choices. I let panic and uncomfortableness take over and choose the path last night instead of rational thinking. I let old behaviors dictate my decisions even though I set a plan in action and was right on that plan 99% of the time. This morning I realize that I'm just not ready to spend long periods of time out of my comfort zone, even when that time has all the tools I need to make good/sound choices.

I am ready to go home.

I have one more day here. I'm overly sensitive to my surroundings. It's time to slow down and just take in what I know to be true. I made myself sick yesterday. I will not do that today. I will not do that tomorrow. I will consume the food I have left and make only sound choices to what I put in my mouth. I will spend an hour breaking a sweat, I will get enough sleep tonight. I will go home and I will set myself back into a routine. I will talk about this in therapy even if it pains me. I will remind myself I am moving down the right path even if I feel like I just ran myself off the road.

All paths lead back to the road to success.

One step at a time.