PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Monday, Jul 5 2010 - Just.Keep.Moving
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
So check this out: Life is going to get in the way. What are you going to do to make sure youre not a casualty when it does? The reason I ask this today is because I am in the middle of this war zone called life and some times Im not sure how Im going to avoid being a casualty.
Is this making any sense?
To be more specific, I cant seem to shut my brain off long enough so that I can take the time to seriously reflect what Im doing, where Im going and what exactly do I want from this Life Changing Journey. Every time I take one step forward and feel good about the decisions / choices Im making something happens and I feel like Im taking another step back and not really learning anything from this damn journey. Every time I think I should really sit down and make lay down some goals I feel angst over fear of failure before I even start. Every time someone says youre such an inspiration I want to scream back at them TO WHO, CAUSE IM NOT INSPIRING MYSELF!!!
I am in a constant state of panic these days over work (or lack there of) and money. To know me is to know I obsess over money. This probably stems from watching my mother try to provide for 4 children while battling alcoholism and eventually losing the house I spent my entire childhood in (15 years) and then having to move multiple times every year until she passed away when I was 20. At the moment things are sort of FUBAR with our banking situation because we had a break in with one of our vehicles last week and banking info was taken so we are in the process of moving everything to a new account but I dont know where all the money is at this time (some here, some there it takes time to get everything worked out blah blah blah). If I dont have my finger on where the money is at all times, well lets just say it doesnt help current state of well-being.
Im in a constant state of panic over this weight loss stuff. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and see a new face looking back at me, a new body standing before me and I wonder is this forever? Just when I think I have everything under control and feel comfortable with the changes that are happening, something happens and I think F*ck, I just dont think I can live this way anymore. Yesterday, I went to the gym for 3 hours and 45 minutes. Why? I dont know. I think there was this underlying fear of being out of my element (going to friends house for bbq) and since I couldnt go up to a complete stranger and ask hey, do you know how many calories are in a serving of your potato salad? I spent 225 minutes running, doing step class and yoga thinking this would combat any over indulgence. I even decided something sweet would be added to my menu at some point in the day. I felt good about that decision. Then I went to the store to pick out what I wanted and I panicked. I looked at the calorie counts on everything and right in the middle of the store (with my husband standing next to me) I just about had an emotional melt down.
Who has emotional melt downs over cheese cake?
In the end I choose something extremely small (caramel chocolate) and split it with my husband because god forbid I eat a piece of chocolate that has 250 effin calories!!! At the bbq I had to finally draw the line with myself because instead of enjoying the company I was with and being on the island (Vashon is about my favorite place) I thought about what I was going to eat and how it was going to affect me later (because everyone knows 1/4 cup of potato salad is going to cause a 63 pound weight gain over night right?!)
I did fine at the bbq. I ate some chips. I drank one beer. I had a burger (sans bun) and some chicken. I even ate the potato salad all the while battling the voice inside my brain that was screaming FAILURE at me. Six months Ive been on this journey. Day in and day out. Not just willy nilly but full force planting my feet firmly and yet here I am still battling as if Ive not learned anything over the last 180 days. I know Ive said that food is part of the solution, not the problem but do I firmly believe that today?
No.
Im not even sure if there is a point to this post. My title is just about the only thing I can remind myself to do: Just. Keep. Moving. I have a training session with Coach Chuck today, but am feeling more than a little intimidated about going. Im hungry but afraid to eat because of the calorie intake from yesterday. I have a well thought out list of things I need to do but am afraid to start because Im just plain old scared to move forward.
I will go to training session.
I will eat.
I will cross off one thing from the list.
Just.Keep.Moving.
Is this making any sense?
To be more specific, I cant seem to shut my brain off long enough so that I can take the time to seriously reflect what Im doing, where Im going and what exactly do I want from this Life Changing Journey. Every time I take one step forward and feel good about the decisions / choices Im making something happens and I feel like Im taking another step back and not really learning anything from this damn journey. Every time I think I should really sit down and make lay down some goals I feel angst over fear of failure before I even start. Every time someone says youre such an inspiration I want to scream back at them TO WHO, CAUSE IM NOT INSPIRING MYSELF!!!
I am in a constant state of panic these days over work (or lack there of) and money. To know me is to know I obsess over money. This probably stems from watching my mother try to provide for 4 children while battling alcoholism and eventually losing the house I spent my entire childhood in (15 years) and then having to move multiple times every year until she passed away when I was 20. At the moment things are sort of FUBAR with our banking situation because we had a break in with one of our vehicles last week and banking info was taken so we are in the process of moving everything to a new account but I dont know where all the money is at this time (some here, some there it takes time to get everything worked out blah blah blah). If I dont have my finger on where the money is at all times, well lets just say it doesnt help current state of well-being.
Im in a constant state of panic over this weight loss stuff. Every day I wake up and look in the mirror and see a new face looking back at me, a new body standing before me and I wonder is this forever? Just when I think I have everything under control and feel comfortable with the changes that are happening, something happens and I think F*ck, I just dont think I can live this way anymore. Yesterday, I went to the gym for 3 hours and 45 minutes. Why? I dont know. I think there was this underlying fear of being out of my element (going to friends house for bbq) and since I couldnt go up to a complete stranger and ask hey, do you know how many calories are in a serving of your potato salad? I spent 225 minutes running, doing step class and yoga thinking this would combat any over indulgence. I even decided something sweet would be added to my menu at some point in the day. I felt good about that decision. Then I went to the store to pick out what I wanted and I panicked. I looked at the calorie counts on everything and right in the middle of the store (with my husband standing next to me) I just about had an emotional melt down.
Who has emotional melt downs over cheese cake?
In the end I choose something extremely small (caramel chocolate) and split it with my husband because god forbid I eat a piece of chocolate that has 250 effin calories!!! At the bbq I had to finally draw the line with myself because instead of enjoying the company I was with and being on the island (Vashon is about my favorite place) I thought about what I was going to eat and how it was going to affect me later (because everyone knows 1/4 cup of potato salad is going to cause a 63 pound weight gain over night right?!)
I did fine at the bbq. I ate some chips. I drank one beer. I had a burger (sans bun) and some chicken. I even ate the potato salad all the while battling the voice inside my brain that was screaming FAILURE at me. Six months Ive been on this journey. Day in and day out. Not just willy nilly but full force planting my feet firmly and yet here I am still battling as if Ive not learned anything over the last 180 days. I know Ive said that food is part of the solution, not the problem but do I firmly believe that today?
No.
Im not even sure if there is a point to this post. My title is just about the only thing I can remind myself to do: Just. Keep. Moving. I have a training session with Coach Chuck today, but am feeling more than a little intimidated about going. Im hungry but afraid to eat because of the calorie intake from yesterday. I have a well thought out list of things I need to do but am afraid to start because Im just plain old scared to move forward.
I will go to training session.
I will eat.
I will cross off one thing from the list.
Just.Keep.Moving.
9 comments so far.
9.
a decade ago
Way to go Aaron on listing many of the wonderful and amazing things about Tara...there are way too many to list but that was a good start. You DO inspire us, you do everyday with your words and the things that you have accomplished. You dont have to try to do inspire us, you just do it naturally, you are amazing. When your mind lets you see clearly you know that is the truth. Hang in there girl.
:love:
by TNYBUBBLZ
8.
a decade ago
How could I possibly add one single thing to what Arron wrote?
We are all working at slaying our own dragons and sometimes it just helps to know we're not alone in the fight.
by WILDHARE
7.
a decade ago
Tara, who inspires you? You say that you do not inspire yourself, so who inspires you? I'll stand up and say that there are over 100 reasons that you inspire me. I want to hear who inspires you and someday hear that you inspire yourself.
:thumbu2:
Let's get started. Here is how you (Tara) inspire me (Aaron and others):
100. You flip tires.
99. You wear Vibrams...and you run in them.
98. You are able to write about everything on your mind.
97. You're trainers are super heros. You care about these guys and tell us about them.
96. You punch necks.
95. You sponser the Weekend Warrior Challenge -- It keeps me on track for the weekend.
94. You travel to Cincinnati and eat Skyline Chili -- That's my hometown!
93. You don't make lemonade, you adapt to the changes around you.
92. You are going to officially hit Onederland this week (By July 09, 2010).
91. You don't let family and job issues stop your Life Changing Journey.
90. You introduced me to the concept of 'Parallel Players' -- Since then, I have gotten to know 10 people at the gym by name that I have always seen, but never know. Now we look at each other, eye to eye, and say hi to each other.
89. You.Pause.When.You.Type. -- This reminds me to pause when I read. Very Powerful!
88. You wear Sock Monkey Pajamas.
87. You introduced me to the term 'Non Scale Victory'. We all have many of them and thanks to you, I think of new ones all of the time.
86. You have a bounce in your step.
85. You have run a 5K. Make that multiple 5ks!
84. You can go for 3 rounds for 3 minutes on the first time.
83. You wear a kilt.
82. You stop and thank the people who are there to support you during your runs and you take pictures of them.
81. You Start Strong, Finish Strong.
80. You Believe.
79. You introduced me to other bloggers like Brandon and Tyler.
78. You give anatomy lessons.
77. AWESOMETASTICNESS.
76. You have participated in a half marathon.
75. You get letters from your body.
... Do I need to keep on going? If I need to, I will. You know that. I think that I will pause for now and save some of the other reasons for another time. I'll start at number 74 next time and keep on going.
I'm not saying that I can see the future, Tara, but I know that there are reasons that you inspire me that you haven't even said yet. They are for all of the thoughts that you have yet to put on paper.
You really are Awesometastic and we all love you!
by AARON_GREENE
6.
a decade ago
consider sitting down quietly and just breathing.....visualize painting a wall white and just let your mind quiet a minute or two or five to find some calm. concentrate on your breathe and your inner voice will talk to you. you will find a job. you will succeed. you are a success already.
:love:
by SWIMMER10
5.
a decade ago
Deep breath. Keep moving. Life can be a Bit$h, it can hand you lemons. what to do with those lemons, make lemonaide? NO! Throw them back, HARD. Getting hit with a lemon kinda hurts.
:bang: What the hell is wrong with me?
:love: *internet hugs*
I personally hate holidays. My boyfriend loves them and wants to eat and eat and eat and he can. He has a fast metabolism. I lose myself and end up putting things into my mouth like I am a zombie. OH crap, what the hell did I just eat? Another piece of cake?
I get the "you are such an inspiration" all the time, and honestly I don't know why either. I don't feel like I am always fighting the good fight.
Remember, we need to take it one minute at a time, one bite at a time, one day, one week, one month, wash rinse repeat.
by ANIMOSUS777
4.
a decade ago
Getting fired messed with my head, in a bad way. Now, nearly 5 months later and a new job, it ain't over yet. While yeah, I made mistakes at the last job, and yeah, I don't want to repeat those at the new job (I make new mistakes!...LOL) what happens remains to be seen.
In the CK area I do know what to do...log, exercize and do my best to make good food choices. NO ONE can fire me from CK, or you either. If you overeat *one* day that's just one day, back to the routine the next day.
Hang in there.
by LONGRIDER
3.
a decade ago
Sometimes it is head down and one foot in front of the other. You are inspirational to us. Like Menokeo says - look how far you have come and look what you have accomplished. Running - how far??? In the gym for how long??? 6 mos ago what would have happened to you if you had lost your job then? Life has thrown a lot of sh!t at you at one time. Head down, one foot in front of the other to get through the storm. ((hugs))
by MAURABARTLEY
2.
a decade ago
Tara, it sounds like you are for sure at the end of a rope. You are right though, you have to just keep moving forward, and not think too much while moving. Although you don't know how you could be an inspiration, you are. Look at how far you have come, and how many you have helped along the way.
I hope you have a great day.
by MENOKEO
1.
a decade ago
You actually didn't do badly! And I'm sure you had a fantastic calorie cushion to play with.
I feel bad because I know exactly you're going through. I feel like I am and have been calorie obsessed in every scenario I'm in. This is my first trip home where I felt a little freedom with my food choices and logging - it took a year for me to hush that voice in my head.
Aliza always reminds us to trust and have faith in the process. This is most certainly true for me. It is true for you - otherwise your last 4 sentences would have been entirely different.
Hope you have a good day today, Tara.
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI