PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Jul 25 2010 - OWiS #30 (on a Sunday)
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
I need to find my mojo.
I dont know where it is but it is not residing inside my body, mind, or emotional state. I feel like my posts lately have been about how bad Im feeling about myself and how unmotivated I am to keep up with this journey. Is it because I hit Onederland and am (insert any emotion) about staying under 200? Is this my sabotage weight? You know the one where you reach it and you start to get comfortable with yourself so you stop working as hard? While Ive enjoyed not logging my calories during the weekend Im wondering if this is now the right path to take. I make a decision and then I immediately start to question whether Im even capable of making a decision. How do I know whats the right thing to do?
I havent run since the 10k last Saturday.
Im afraid to admit that Im experiencing pain in my feet. They hurt all the time and Im pretty sure its due to plantar faciitis. I had it before and eventually had to use splints when I slept for it to finally dissipate. I dont have insurance and even if I did I dont think Id go because Im afraid the doctor will say something like Well Tara, you never should have started running to begin with.
Its a little ironic because while I look young for my age (it runs in the family), this is the first time I can say I feel my age. Being 40 and asking your body to move in the way Ive asked mine has been difficult to say the least. It would be one thing if I had been athletic at some point in my life since there is muscle memory that helps to get you back into shape. Ive never been athletic. Any attempts at doing some sort of sports when I was a kid was quickly forgotten about because my mother couldnt care less about what I was doing as long as she could keep tabs on me while keeping her bar stool warm. I ate a lot when I was a kid. I would steal money out of her purse and go to the corner store and buy cans of pie filling and as much candy as possible all consumed while sitting in my room in front of the television. I remember being 9 and making french toast on my own for the first time 6 slices drenched in syrup would be a normal adventure.
When I was a small child and left alone in the house with one of my brothers to watch over me (and by watch I mean told to stay home while they went out with friends) I used to sit at the dining room table and eat sugar out of the bowl. Hours upon hours just sitting there watching the t.v. and spooning sugar into my mouth. By the time I reached middle school and was completely raising myself dinner was whole boxes of macaroni and entire Tyson frozen fried chicken boxes.
Why the hell am I even talking about this stuff?
Todays post was supposed to be about a weigh in and its turned into a holy hell no wonder I need therapy sort of post. I would give anything to be waking up finally out of this fat slumber and be 20 years old. Hell Ill take 30 too. I didnt wake up until shortly after my 40th birthday and its slow going and dealing with aches and pains I didnt even know existed.
Back to my mojo.
Im lacking it. My workouts have been less than stellar. People tell me I look great and Im starting to think I can stop doing what Im doing and be happy. But Im not. I want more. I need more. I want to flex my arms and see muscle, not just the shadow of muscle. I want to see my abs not just feel them when I put my hand on my stomach and cough (please tell me Im not the only one that does that). I want to do really awesome strong sh*t like push ups and pull ups and not half assed ones either. When I play baseball next year I want the other team to go okay everyone move back we got a giant coming up.
Will I feel this lackluster tomorrow? I dont know. Will I be sore and achy? Dont know the answer to that either. What I do know is Im going to end this post with some good news and some direction as to what Im doing for the next few hours. First the good news: There is a loss this week and Im officially overweight and no longer obese. Im down 10.2 points on my bmi and thats pretty spectacular. Im going to put on some gym clothes and go for a run as soon as this post is over. I dont know how long the run will be or how far Ill get. Ill probably walk some but Id rather be walking and running towards a healthier life than walking towards the freezer and grabbing a box of Tysons frozen chicken!
* Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
* Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
* Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
* Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
* Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
* Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
* Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
* Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
* Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
* Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
* Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)
* Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
* Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
* Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
* Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
* Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
* Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
* Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
* Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
* Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
* Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
* Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
* Week 22 = skipped
* Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
* Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
* Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
* Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
* Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
* Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
* Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
* Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)
I dont know where it is but it is not residing inside my body, mind, or emotional state. I feel like my posts lately have been about how bad Im feeling about myself and how unmotivated I am to keep up with this journey. Is it because I hit Onederland and am (insert any emotion) about staying under 200? Is this my sabotage weight? You know the one where you reach it and you start to get comfortable with yourself so you stop working as hard? While Ive enjoyed not logging my calories during the weekend Im wondering if this is now the right path to take. I make a decision and then I immediately start to question whether Im even capable of making a decision. How do I know whats the right thing to do?
I havent run since the 10k last Saturday.
Im afraid to admit that Im experiencing pain in my feet. They hurt all the time and Im pretty sure its due to plantar faciitis. I had it before and eventually had to use splints when I slept for it to finally dissipate. I dont have insurance and even if I did I dont think Id go because Im afraid the doctor will say something like Well Tara, you never should have started running to begin with.
Its a little ironic because while I look young for my age (it runs in the family), this is the first time I can say I feel my age. Being 40 and asking your body to move in the way Ive asked mine has been difficult to say the least. It would be one thing if I had been athletic at some point in my life since there is muscle memory that helps to get you back into shape. Ive never been athletic. Any attempts at doing some sort of sports when I was a kid was quickly forgotten about because my mother couldnt care less about what I was doing as long as she could keep tabs on me while keeping her bar stool warm. I ate a lot when I was a kid. I would steal money out of her purse and go to the corner store and buy cans of pie filling and as much candy as possible all consumed while sitting in my room in front of the television. I remember being 9 and making french toast on my own for the first time 6 slices drenched in syrup would be a normal adventure.
When I was a small child and left alone in the house with one of my brothers to watch over me (and by watch I mean told to stay home while they went out with friends) I used to sit at the dining room table and eat sugar out of the bowl. Hours upon hours just sitting there watching the t.v. and spooning sugar into my mouth. By the time I reached middle school and was completely raising myself dinner was whole boxes of macaroni and entire Tyson frozen fried chicken boxes.
Why the hell am I even talking about this stuff?
Todays post was supposed to be about a weigh in and its turned into a holy hell no wonder I need therapy sort of post. I would give anything to be waking up finally out of this fat slumber and be 20 years old. Hell Ill take 30 too. I didnt wake up until shortly after my 40th birthday and its slow going and dealing with aches and pains I didnt even know existed.
Back to my mojo.
Im lacking it. My workouts have been less than stellar. People tell me I look great and Im starting to think I can stop doing what Im doing and be happy. But Im not. I want more. I need more. I want to flex my arms and see muscle, not just the shadow of muscle. I want to see my abs not just feel them when I put my hand on my stomach and cough (please tell me Im not the only one that does that). I want to do really awesome strong sh*t like push ups and pull ups and not half assed ones either. When I play baseball next year I want the other team to go okay everyone move back we got a giant coming up.
Will I feel this lackluster tomorrow? I dont know. Will I be sore and achy? Dont know the answer to that either. What I do know is Im going to end this post with some good news and some direction as to what Im doing for the next few hours. First the good news: There is a loss this week and Im officially overweight and no longer obese. Im down 10.2 points on my bmi and thats pretty spectacular. Im going to put on some gym clothes and go for a run as soon as this post is over. I dont know how long the run will be or how far Ill get. Ill probably walk some but Id rather be walking and running towards a healthier life than walking towards the freezer and grabbing a box of Tysons frozen chicken!
* Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
* Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
* Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
* Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
* Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
* Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
* Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
* Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
* Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
* Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
* Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)
* Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
* Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
* Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
* Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
* Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
* Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
* Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
* Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
* Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
* Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
* Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
* Week 22 = skipped
* Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
* Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
* Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
* Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
* Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
* Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
* Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
* Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)
9 comments so far.
9.
a decade ago
I think losing your mojo is the hardest thing when it comes to weight loss. I think many of us are in or have been in the same boat. Just dont give up on yourself. You will find that mojo!! You have come so very far!
by TNYBUBBLZ
8.
a decade ago
You're doing great and it seems that you're being really self-aware about the things that could possibly trip you up.
I know how much it sucks to have pain interrupt your runs but you're right, walking is better than not doing anything at all.
Also, congrats on the new bmi catagory! Whoo! That's such an accompishment. You've come a long way and you're a great inspiration.
by REICREATURE
7.
a decade ago
Tara you might want to go review gold level stages again. I hope you're not getting too obsessive over your exercise. I think if you find Dr. Evil, then you'll find your mojo. Seems to me he may have it, after all, he did take Austin Powers' mojo.
Seriously though you're doing super, second week in onederland and I'd say you're pretty solidly grounded there now. Aches and pains, if you can afford it you need to seriously go to a spa and treat yourself. You need to get your body feeling better because seriously in the last 4 months you have put it through holy hell. Reading your blog makes me wanna take a deep breath. That's not good. You ought to take a deep breath, go relax and get yourself pampered with a professional massage, and treatment.
I love you and care about your well-being Tara. ***hugs***
by NEXUSNRG
6.
a decade ago
Tara, you are experiencing life.....each day is a gift and a lesson. How you deal with the lesson makes you who you are. You have learned so much in the last 30 weeks...look back at your achievements and you will see what I mean. Some days were easy, some were challenging, some good and some bad. You dealt with them and you learned along the way. There is no turning back...keep your eye on the prize. Take time to heal physically and emotionally, but keep going.
:kiss:
:queen:
Hugs.
Sally1
by SALLY1
5.
a decade ago
Oh you are not the only one poking around trying to feel your abs etc... I find myself in bed feeling my ribs. I haven't felt those bad boys in a while. I hope you find the mojo you need to keep going! Congrats on the loss! I am so proud of you!
by MRSDSB
4.
a decade ago
My mojo has been dying here for the past 2 months. I think it's a war with numbers. For you maybe it's being in Onderland. For me I struggled with the number 258. Many reasons held me back from losing more. Right now I am fighting to get more loss going and the motivation is kinda blech.
We will have times like this. Head up. All will be well... this too will pass. I cannot wait until I can say one day that I am 'overweight' hell I'll even take 'obese" instead of it saying morbidly obese. Sigh
by ANIMOSUS777
3.
a decade ago
Tara, I am/have been experiencing the same thing for a few months now. I started asking my body to *move* and be athletic when I was 51. Was not athletic when I was younger, I was always the manager of the sports teams. But I don't want that anymore I want to PARTICIPATE in life. I get the doldrums and the blahs and it is VERY hard at times to keep going forward. Sometimes it is only millimeters that I achieve and sometimes I seem to go backwards. I don't know if being post-menopausal has anything to do with it but it sure does seem to sloooooooowww everything down.
:$
I joined a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. We use kettlebells, TRX fitness and cardio. It isn't about competition but, of course, I compare myself to others (and I am sure the others do comparisons, also). I AM the SLOWEST but, also, I AM the STRONGEST. I have to pick my positives where I can find them. The scale sure isn't being positive for me at this time. But I do know moving is good for me.
I also suffer from plantar faciitis and shin splints. Sometimes so bad I can hardly walk. As much as I hate to, there are times I cannot do any exercise. I have to back off and take care of myself first or nothing positive will happen for me. Frozen water bottles to roll under my feet and up and down my shins; inserts in my work out shoes; massages are magical; stretches - I'm sure you know all the stuff.
Sometimes it isn't about mojo; sometimes it is about doing what needs to be done in that moment. Be it resting your body so you can move forth tomorrow; be it just taking pleasure in walking and not jogging; be it just doing some stretching and being aware of your muscles (yes, I like to twist and turn and flex my muscles so I can feel them b/c some of them I cannot see!).
You are who you are today. Can't change the past only the future. Take care of yourself...(hugs) (sorry this was soooo long
by MAURABARTLEY
2.
a decade ago
I absolutely do that coughing thing and poke around for my abs. I have to push real deep to find them though.
As for your mojo - it won't always be there. It will come in waves and that is healthy and normal. You have already been blessed with a mind and body that want to change for the better - but that isn't going to be easy all the time. Sometimes your mind disagrees, other times it's your body holding you up. But one thing I have learned is to respect my abilities and limitations. I am already further today than I would have been without a change.
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
1.
a decade ago
Tara,
From my experience it is totally"normal" to have some lulls to readjust to the next level of weight loss. I am doing it now. I have been maintaining for a couple months waiting to see if I want to lose the last five pounds or not...
It is great that you have discovered that your life is your own not your parents. It took me a very long time to do this, in fact, when my father died at 92, I reaiized his rejecting and miserable ways were over. Don't wait as long as I did (58)!!
by BDEMOTT