I had a lot of Demons.

We all have them. They manifest themselves in different ways but the function of them is the same: Too keep us from moving forward and finding the true meaning of SELF. My Demons came in many forms. As a young child it was my mother telling me I needed to be better than my brothers in everything I did because in her heart she knew she had failed in raising them and I was going to be her one true success story. I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy. I truly believed she didn’t love my brothers and the only way she was going to love me was if I was perfect.

I was the perfect child.

I didn’t complain about being a latchkey kid at the young age of 5 because she was sitting in a dark room with other adults drinking their lives away. I didn’t complain when I attempted to make brownies for her birthday almost every year and she never came home because whatever was happening at the bar was more important on that day. I didn’t complain when she would take me down to the bar multiple times during the week and sit me at a table for three hours in the restaurant portion, alone, so that she could feed me dinner while she continued to drink until I would either walk myself home the 2 miles or fall asleep at the table. I didn’t fight back when she would come home drunk and tell me that I’m just like my brothers and out of no where take her anger out on my physically. I didn’t complain because I started to hate myself. It was my fault. Nothing I did was good enough. If I had just tried a little harder, she would have loved me, wanted to spend time with me at home and I would have been her success story.

Demons attached themselves to me as a child.

They followed me into adult hood.

Those demons told me I’m never going to be good enough to earn the love of someone else. They told me that no matter how hard I try I would fail. They told me I didn’t deserve to have friends who cared about me unconditionally. They convinced me that I was meant to be alone, fat and isolated from my surroundings. The demons showed me their faces in the form of suicide attempts, drug addictions, spousal abuse, depression and obesity. I held on to these demons as if they were my lovers. I was afraid to be without them. It was all I knew. I was alive because I had those demons to tell me that they were the only ones that loved me. The only ones that understood. For 35 years I held on to those demons for dear life…

I was afraid to let go.

I was afraid to live.

When I started this LCJ those demons were strong and they had themselves clenched so tightly to me I couldn’t see any outcome except failure. I had to start small because any attempt at something bigger than walking up a flight of steps or substituting water for a diet coke would have never been tried. My demons made sure that every time I did something good for myself, they were there to whisper in my ear “it doesn’t matter because no matter what you do it will not be good enough”

I kept moving. I kept fighting. I kept telling the demons to shut the f*ck up because I wanted this change more than anything I could remember. I wasn’t trying to earn the love of someone else. I was trying earn the love of myself. Slowly but surely those demons fell away one by one.

Making room for the Angels in my life.

My life is no longer held back by demons determined to keep me miserable, obese and isolated. But rather pushed forward by the Angels that have come into my life to show me that I am worth something. That I am worth loving. That even in failure there is success. That I am stronger today than I’ve ever been. That I can accomplish anything no matter what those demons try to whisper in my ear. Never in my life have I ever wanted to leave the confines of my home / work and pursue friendships…now I want it more than anything. I look people in the eyes. I speak from my heart. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable because in doing so with the world around me, I am making myself stronger to fight the demons that try to pull me down. The Angels in my life show me that no matter what happens, they love me.

In all my imperfections…

They think I’m perfect.

You have those demons. I know you do. They may not tell you the same thing mine told me year after year but they have the same affect on you as they did on me. They are killing you. Emotionally, mentally and maybe even physically. When your life is full of demons, you can’t see the Angels waiting to help you move forward. We’re out here. We want you to let go and get healthy. We don’t want you to be obese or depressed or isolated any longer. We want you to live.

I never thought those demons would leave my side. I thought we’d be together forever. They still come by every once in a while and they quickly bring me down and take me back to that small child waiting for her mom to tell her she’s perfect. Except now when it happens I have an army of Angels with their arms wrapped tightly around me and whispering in my ears “Let go, and live…”

Are you ready to let go?