Last week I did my first guest post over at SeattleRunnerGirl and wrote about never giving up. It seems on a daily basis (actually multiple times per day) I am faced with the decision to either give up or move forward. It can be as simple as making the choice to have a green tea from Starbucks instead of a latte; to as complex as how do I prepare myself for my week-long vacation to San Francisco when I won’t have access to a gym, Godfather, and the comforts of home to keep me on track.

When I took my first steps into this 100+ pound LCJ it was scary. It was intimidating. I had no idea what I was doing. I was pretty much going blindly as I learned about calorie intake vs calories burned. I didn’t make extravagant decisions. I started so small it was kind of a joke to me. I started by taking the stairs up one floor, catching my breath and then taking the elevator up to the next floor. I gave up one diet coke for a glass of water but then drank an extra diet coke at night. I portioned out my food on a scale but when it was little more than a “portion” I ate the rest instead of putting it back. I was making decisions but I wasn’t really committing to them.

Commitment is so hard.

We want to succeed. We want the weight to come off. We want to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at us.  We can’t “kind of” make a decision to eat better and then wonder why we ended up eating that third slice of cake at our best friend’s wedding. We can’t “kind of” make a decision to exercise and then wonder why the scale isn’t moving after 10 minutes on the elliptical. We can’t “kind of” make the decision to start again tomorrow and then wonder why tomorrow never seems to come.

At some point in this journey I decided to commit whole heartedly to fight for my life. I didn’t just “kind of” make the decision. I made the decision that a life of depression, isolation and topping the scales at 270 was no longer an option for me. I knew that if I didn’t stand up at the age of 40 and take control of a life that was so full of sadness, loneliness and fear I was never going to stand up.

Every choice I make is about fighting for my life.

It hasn’t been easy. In fact if I knew it was going to be as hard as it has been at some points I might have re-thought this whole journey. I cry on a daily basis because most days I wake up tired and don’t even have the energy to put in my contacts so I can get to the gym. But I commit. I get frustrated every time I go food shopping because right next to the salsa I love to eat with my hard boiled eggs are the delicious doritos that I want to shove in my pie hole. But I commit. I’ve made some choices that led to binging/purging and have more than once had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror but even in those choices I commit. I commit to learning about myself. I commit to being absolutely honest with myself and those that share this journey with me. I commit to taking another step forward so that old behaviors are left to the wayside as I become healthier not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

Where is your commitment today? Are you “kind of” making the decision to move more and eat less. Are you “kind of” waiting for tomorrow to come so that you can start over. “Kind of(s)” don’t work. Period. Only commitment. Commitment to change. Commitment to move. Commitment to stand up and take that first step and never look back. I didn’t think my life was worth it making that commitment…

I proved myself wrong.