PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Oct 1 2010 - Confessions...
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
I miss my fat self.
How crazy of a statement is that? But I realized this morning as I was trying to pull myself out of bed at the crack ass time of 3:30a so that I could eat before going to the gym at the other crack ass time of 5:00a so that I could do my first boxing class at the third and final crack ass time of 5:30a that I am in mourning again at the loss of not having my fat self around any more.
First let me clarify: I'm talking about missing my physical fat self. My emotional fat self is still very much alive and kicking in my brain. Everyday I am working on shedding the emotional pounds just as hard as I am working on shedding the physical pounds. To be totally honest with you, the physical shedding is WAY EASIER than the emotional shedding. That is a blog post for another day (making mental note)...
How in the world can someone miss their fat self? Shouldn't I be parading my new body up and down main street proclaiming to anyone with two ears on the side of their head that I am happy with my new body and my new-found discoveries of things like clothes shopping, comfortable theater seats and the ability to run up 5 flights of stairs without even breaking a sweat? Yes of course I should be. But I also miss sitting around for hours and hours (and hours) playing some mindless MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Disconnecting from the my sad reality, my depression and my social anxiety. I miss going out to eat every night and gorging myself to the point of disgust knowing that I'll either make myself throw up to relieve the discomfort or I'll go home and throw on some XXL pajama pants to cover the bloating. I miss sitting around on the couch for up to 4 - 5 hours every night watching every episode of Law and Order/NCIS/CSI Miami I can get my hands on. I miss going to the Woman's plus size department store and aimlessly looking at all the clothes there and wondering if this particular pant/shirt combo will hide my fat any better than this pant/shirt combo...
It scares me to know that today I can walk into pretty much any store and shop for what I want. Just last week I needed to buy some nice clothes for dinner and I spent 20 minutes looking in the size 20 - 24 portion of the store before my husband gingerly led me over to the 10 - 14 side of the store where I stared in disbelief that I shop here now.
It scares me to know that today I would rather get up at 3:30am to go have my ass handed to me by Godfather only to return that evening for a nice session of boot camp run by an actual Military Drill Sargeant.
It scares me to know that I would rather count calories and stay within a healthy limit rather than eat mindlessly and rely on sticking something down my throat for those nights where I just.eat.too.much.
It scares me to know that I can actually miss being fat, depressed and isolated from my surrounding. It makes sense though. I live with my fat self for my entire life. My fat kept me safe. My fat helped me to make the excuses I needed in order to live a life of being lazy and not taking control of my own destiny. My physically fat self kept me down...
My physically fitter (cause I hate the word skinny) self helps me to stand up.
Stand up and face my fears.
Stand up and move forward.
Stand up and take control.
I will continue to mourn my fat self because that portion of my life is over. Physically that portion is dead. I still have a long way to go in shedding the emotional pounds. But I mourn today because when we allow ourselves to mourn the dead, we come to realize one thing: They are never coming back. We let our hearts feel heavy at the loss but then over time we heal and carry on. We can't wish for that person to come back because we know it's impossible.
Fat Tara is dead.
She is never coming back.
No matter how hard I wish for it to be true it's not going to happen.
She is gone.
Forever.
How crazy of a statement is that? But I realized this morning as I was trying to pull myself out of bed at the crack ass time of 3:30a so that I could eat before going to the gym at the other crack ass time of 5:00a so that I could do my first boxing class at the third and final crack ass time of 5:30a that I am in mourning again at the loss of not having my fat self around any more.
First let me clarify: I'm talking about missing my physical fat self. My emotional fat self is still very much alive and kicking in my brain. Everyday I am working on shedding the emotional pounds just as hard as I am working on shedding the physical pounds. To be totally honest with you, the physical shedding is WAY EASIER than the emotional shedding. That is a blog post for another day (making mental note)...
How in the world can someone miss their fat self? Shouldn't I be parading my new body up and down main street proclaiming to anyone with two ears on the side of their head that I am happy with my new body and my new-found discoveries of things like clothes shopping, comfortable theater seats and the ability to run up 5 flights of stairs without even breaking a sweat? Yes of course I should be. But I also miss sitting around for hours and hours (and hours) playing some mindless MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Disconnecting from the my sad reality, my depression and my social anxiety. I miss going out to eat every night and gorging myself to the point of disgust knowing that I'll either make myself throw up to relieve the discomfort or I'll go home and throw on some XXL pajama pants to cover the bloating. I miss sitting around on the couch for up to 4 - 5 hours every night watching every episode of Law and Order/NCIS/CSI Miami I can get my hands on. I miss going to the Woman's plus size department store and aimlessly looking at all the clothes there and wondering if this particular pant/shirt combo will hide my fat any better than this pant/shirt combo...
It scares me to know that today I can walk into pretty much any store and shop for what I want. Just last week I needed to buy some nice clothes for dinner and I spent 20 minutes looking in the size 20 - 24 portion of the store before my husband gingerly led me over to the 10 - 14 side of the store where I stared in disbelief that I shop here now.
It scares me to know that today I would rather get up at 3:30am to go have my ass handed to me by Godfather only to return that evening for a nice session of boot camp run by an actual Military Drill Sargeant.
It scares me to know that I would rather count calories and stay within a healthy limit rather than eat mindlessly and rely on sticking something down my throat for those nights where I just.eat.too.much.
It scares me to know that I can actually miss being fat, depressed and isolated from my surrounding. It makes sense though. I live with my fat self for my entire life. My fat kept me safe. My fat helped me to make the excuses I needed in order to live a life of being lazy and not taking control of my own destiny. My physically fat self kept me down...
My physically fitter (cause I hate the word skinny) self helps me to stand up.
Stand up and face my fears.
Stand up and move forward.
Stand up and take control.
I will continue to mourn my fat self because that portion of my life is over. Physically that portion is dead. I still have a long way to go in shedding the emotional pounds. But I mourn today because when we allow ourselves to mourn the dead, we come to realize one thing: They are never coming back. We let our hearts feel heavy at the loss but then over time we heal and carry on. We can't wish for that person to come back because we know it's impossible.
Fat Tara is dead.
She is never coming back.
No matter how hard I wish for it to be true it's not going to happen.
She is gone.
Forever.
6 comments so far.
6.
a decade ago
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
5.
a decade ago
Whoa. I've never heard this perspective, and yet it is so heartbreakingly honest. Even though I'm still on the *getting there* phase of the journey, I can see exactly what you are talking about. I believe it is a part of the weight loss journey that no one ever talks about, and probably why so many people gain it back. You are an amazing human to know this and face it head on. You WILL NOT EVER put this weight back on. You are making SURE of it. Hugs.
by MUDDYMAMA
4.
a decade ago
by ANIMOSUS777
3.
a decade ago
I miss the "easy way out." It's much easier to sit on the couch and stare at the tube and order a pizza than it is to get dressed and go to boot camp or to actually shop for and prepare healthy food.
by WILDHARE
2.
a decade ago
Your entry hit me like a ton of bricks. Still wiping away the tears as I write. I can so relate to where you were and where I am. I make the excuses because of fat, I am lazy and depressed and have not really taken control. I need to stand up and feel stuck. I do gain strength from reading how much you have accomplished and that you are real with your feelings. Good for you for getting up in the crack ass early morning to take care of yourself and for continuing to stand up.
You've given me a lot to think about today. Thank you.
by NATESGRAM
1.
a decade ago
A very revealing and interesting set of thoughts. I love your honesty and how you come back around. I know in the past and still currently I miss the extra parts of me. I too miss the excuse of eating the entire plate of nachos. Miss not having to make the good, the hard decisions. But the past is the past and I guess at some point we have to let go, we can't hang on to it forever. So few people are as introspective about their inner self. You have obviously come a long way already to be able to acknowledge this part of you. I hope that in time you miss Fat Tara less. Keep up the hard work and enjoy yourself, even if it is at the ass crack of way before dawn!
by KARLAALSOP