I wrote a post last week about "Confessions" and saying goodbye to Fat Tara forever. One of the comments I got really struck a chord with me. So much so I've been thinking about it almost everyday:

"Goodbye fat Tara. I’m not sorry we never met. Thank you for sacrificing yourself in the name of skinny, strong HAWT Tara. You’d be amazed and really proud of everything she’s accomplished. *whispering* You and her will both be amazed by the places she’s going, but let’s keep that as our secret because even good change can be overwhelming." (Left by my beautiful friend Jord - who btw just did her first Half Marathon!!!)

Good change can be overwhelming...

My journey to losing 100 pounds is coming to a close and all this good change is a little (okay a lot) overwhelming. I wouldn't be lying if I were to admit more often than not that there are days I wish I was living my old lifestyle of sitting around and not thinking about anything except what's on the t.v., what raid am I going to do on World of Warcraft and staring at the treadmill that sat folded up in the corner of my living room taking on the secondary role of clothes hanger.

Yes some days I miss it. Some days I mentally want it back. But you can't pay me enough money to ever go physically back. There is only forward. But in that forward movement there is change and change is scary. There's been a few major changes that I haven't really talked about because well...

I'm scared.

One of those changes is that my training sessions with Godfather have officially come to an end and I didn't buy anymore. If you've been following me (you have right?!) then you know this is a pretty big deal. For the last week I've had a mixed bag of emotions over the decision to give up my coveted Tuesday/Thursday 6a spot that I've held now for close to four months. I've cried (not surprisingly). I got angry (and took it out on Godfather), I thought about bingeing (and didn't), and I sat in fear that all of a sudden I was going to look in the mirror and staring back at me would be the 263 pound girl I started this journey with back in December.

All unfounded emotions.

But emotions none-the-less.

During an especially emotional day this week, where I felt way out of control several people (all separate conversation unbeknownst to one another) said "Tara, are you afraid to take off your training wheels?" and it hit me: Yes I am. I am afraid to take off my training wheels and ride that big girl bike alone. I am afraid to be accountable to only one person from this day forward: ME. There was something comforting about knowing I was going to get up every Tuesday/Thursday morning and lay my emotional self out for Godfather to coddle (while telling me to move faster). There was something safe about knowing for a few hours every week at the crack ass of dawn someone was focused on me and what I was doing on this journey.

My relationship with Godfather has changed from being my trainer to being my role model, my mentor and more importantly my friend. While I have a lot of peers I feel are important role models to me there are very few people in which I look up too. It's important to have people who we strive to be more like in our actions and to be honest the track record of people that should have filled those shoes is almost non-existent for me. Godfather is pretty important to me and because I'm not used to having someone to look up to there is quite a bit of fear as our relationship goes from being inside the gym to outside into the real world.

This is definitely a good change. Overwhelming yes, but a change that is necessary. I know the women that are taking over my spot and today I told one of them they were going to do great things over the course of the next couple of months. I'm really excited for them. Godfather changed my life. He's going to change theirs too. Want to know what I'll be doing?

I'll be out scraping my knees

dusting myself off

as I learn to ride without my training wheels.