PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, Oct 21 2010 - Hidden Messages
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
First of all I would like to preface this post by saying I am extremely grateful for all the comments on the last three posts. How much do you weigh Emotionally, Exposing myself to the world and Fear of making goal weight were some very emotionally driven posts. I blog very truthfully not only because I know it helps me to understand things more clearly when I present them to the world in front of me but also because I know that if Im thinking it, I can bet someone else is as well. Ive become very passionate about letting people know we are not alone in this LCJ. No matter where we are or how alone we feel, there is always someone out there who understands.
I blog with honesty, I blog with emotions and I blog with whats literally eating me from the inside out. I wont lie to you; that goal weight of 170, which is practically within my reach is whats eating me from the inside out.
It took a hidden message for me to realize that I need to (try to) let it go.
Last week when I was getting ready to leave the gym Robbie, the head trainer (and boot camp instructor), stopped me and asked me point-blank what was wrong? I didnt really understand the question since I thought everything was fine (and I thought I felt fine) so he repeated himself
Whats the matter with you?
Again, I didnt understand the question so he said Something is eating you. I can see it on your face. I took a moment to decide if I wanted to be honest with him or just give off my usual everythings fine response and get the hell out of the gym. I decided to be honest and explain my frustration and fear about making goal weight. I told him I was 5 pounds from seeing 170 and I think I was too scared to see it. I told him Id been stuck for a month between 174 176 and it was really bugging the crap out me. I told him I just wanted to see the damn number so I could move on (whatever that meant since I still am trying to figure out the next phase of this LCJ). He did something I never expected: He offered to give me a free training with him and he pretty much promised me I would see 169 by the time we were done. Of course his plan of action (or POA thanks Jessi!) was to lose water weight so that meant hard cardio with intervals of going into steam room while wearing full length sweats + hoodie. I didnt care what he had planned I just wanted to see the number. We solidified plans to meet this past Tuesday and I left the gym completely obsessed over making goal weight.
For the rest of the week it was all I thought about. What would I feel? Is this what I needed to move on? What if it didnt work? What if it worked? Could I go through the session without passing out (it was a concern of many people I talked with). What if I wasnt strong enough to go through the process? What would Robbie think of me? What would I think of myself? I even prayed about it in that please let me see 169″ sort of way
Obsess, obsess, obsess.
Tuesday morning came.
I showed up.
So did Robbie.
He was with another client so I waited until our scheduled time together (6am)
And I waited.
and waited.
Around 6:20 I realized he had forgotten about our appointment. Now the freak out begins. He doesnt know me. He doesnt know about my inability to say when something is wrong. He doesnt know about my he did this on purpose because he hates me compulsive type of thinking. He doesnt know that by 6:20 while Im standing there in the middle of the trainer area and chewing the inside of my mouth Im on the verge of an emotional break down and I literally freeze where Im standing. 170 was all I thought about for the past 4 days and here again it was going to slip past me
He finally noticed I was just standing there (uhhhhh yhea it is a little odd that someone would stand in the same place at the gym for almost 25 minutes) and came over and asked who I was waiting for
You
We didnt go through the promised workout.
He had forgotten why I was there and I was too emotional to remind him. He didnt get me down to the magical number of 169. I didnt go into the steam room or run on the treadmill. He only spent 30 minutes with me. He probably felt like we were being rushed and didnt really understand why we were spending this Tuesday morning together.
I did.
I wasnt supposed to reach that number that morning. Instead I was supposed to see that I could lay on the floor and pull my 173 pound body up to a standing position using only my hands and bring myself down to beginning position without dropping my body (twice on knotted rope and twice on flat rope). Instead I was supposed to see that I could do 10 nearly perfect pushups in between each rope pull and then grab a 20 pound kettlebell and learn how to do a windmill without falling over. Instead I was supposed to see that I could do a proper deadlift and do it multiple times and then get on the flat side of a bosu ball and squat 20 times without falling off.
Instead I was supposed to see that I could repeat all the stations in 5 minutes and 27 seconds and get a not too bad for your first time from Robbie. I started our session so disappointed that I wasnt going see 169, I mean for Petes sake I prayed about it but as I walked toward the locker room I knew why things had happened the way they did. As I wrapped a gym towel around my body for the first time ever and it covered my body completely: I knew. When I dried myself off and looked at my back muscles: I knew. When I put on my new underwear size medium and slipped on my size 32 pants: I knew. When I looked in the mirror on the way out and saw a woman who was stronger than ever and can only get stronger from this point on: I knew.
Im not saying that Ive stopped thinking about this stupid number completely. I havent. But youre right, nothing is going to change. One day Im going to step on the scale and its going to give me the number I think is going to change my life forever
My life is already changed forever.
I will never go back to being 263 pounds. I will never go back to endless hours of disconnecting from reality because Im too scared to face my world. I will never go back to relying on medication to ease the pain of my depression. I will never go back to laying in bed wondering if today is the day that I will get up and start taking control of my life. I will never go back to eating and purging and then repeating it multiple times per day. I will never go back to being the old me
I want 170.
I dont need 170.
It will come
When it comes
I blog with honesty, I blog with emotions and I blog with whats literally eating me from the inside out. I wont lie to you; that goal weight of 170, which is practically within my reach is whats eating me from the inside out.
It took a hidden message for me to realize that I need to (try to) let it go.
Last week when I was getting ready to leave the gym Robbie, the head trainer (and boot camp instructor), stopped me and asked me point-blank what was wrong? I didnt really understand the question since I thought everything was fine (and I thought I felt fine) so he repeated himself
Whats the matter with you?
Again, I didnt understand the question so he said Something is eating you. I can see it on your face. I took a moment to decide if I wanted to be honest with him or just give off my usual everythings fine response and get the hell out of the gym. I decided to be honest and explain my frustration and fear about making goal weight. I told him I was 5 pounds from seeing 170 and I think I was too scared to see it. I told him Id been stuck for a month between 174 176 and it was really bugging the crap out me. I told him I just wanted to see the damn number so I could move on (whatever that meant since I still am trying to figure out the next phase of this LCJ). He did something I never expected: He offered to give me a free training with him and he pretty much promised me I would see 169 by the time we were done. Of course his plan of action (or POA thanks Jessi!) was to lose water weight so that meant hard cardio with intervals of going into steam room while wearing full length sweats + hoodie. I didnt care what he had planned I just wanted to see the number. We solidified plans to meet this past Tuesday and I left the gym completely obsessed over making goal weight.
For the rest of the week it was all I thought about. What would I feel? Is this what I needed to move on? What if it didnt work? What if it worked? Could I go through the session without passing out (it was a concern of many people I talked with). What if I wasnt strong enough to go through the process? What would Robbie think of me? What would I think of myself? I even prayed about it in that please let me see 169″ sort of way
Obsess, obsess, obsess.
Tuesday morning came.
I showed up.
So did Robbie.
He was with another client so I waited until our scheduled time together (6am)
And I waited.
and waited.
Around 6:20 I realized he had forgotten about our appointment. Now the freak out begins. He doesnt know me. He doesnt know about my inability to say when something is wrong. He doesnt know about my he did this on purpose because he hates me compulsive type of thinking. He doesnt know that by 6:20 while Im standing there in the middle of the trainer area and chewing the inside of my mouth Im on the verge of an emotional break down and I literally freeze where Im standing. 170 was all I thought about for the past 4 days and here again it was going to slip past me
He finally noticed I was just standing there (uhhhhh yhea it is a little odd that someone would stand in the same place at the gym for almost 25 minutes) and came over and asked who I was waiting for
You
We didnt go through the promised workout.
He had forgotten why I was there and I was too emotional to remind him. He didnt get me down to the magical number of 169. I didnt go into the steam room or run on the treadmill. He only spent 30 minutes with me. He probably felt like we were being rushed and didnt really understand why we were spending this Tuesday morning together.
I did.
I wasnt supposed to reach that number that morning. Instead I was supposed to see that I could lay on the floor and pull my 173 pound body up to a standing position using only my hands and bring myself down to beginning position without dropping my body (twice on knotted rope and twice on flat rope). Instead I was supposed to see that I could do 10 nearly perfect pushups in between each rope pull and then grab a 20 pound kettlebell and learn how to do a windmill without falling over. Instead I was supposed to see that I could do a proper deadlift and do it multiple times and then get on the flat side of a bosu ball and squat 20 times without falling off.
Instead I was supposed to see that I could repeat all the stations in 5 minutes and 27 seconds and get a not too bad for your first time from Robbie. I started our session so disappointed that I wasnt going see 169, I mean for Petes sake I prayed about it but as I walked toward the locker room I knew why things had happened the way they did. As I wrapped a gym towel around my body for the first time ever and it covered my body completely: I knew. When I dried myself off and looked at my back muscles: I knew. When I put on my new underwear size medium and slipped on my size 32 pants: I knew. When I looked in the mirror on the way out and saw a woman who was stronger than ever and can only get stronger from this point on: I knew.
Im not saying that Ive stopped thinking about this stupid number completely. I havent. But youre right, nothing is going to change. One day Im going to step on the scale and its going to give me the number I think is going to change my life forever
My life is already changed forever.
I will never go back to being 263 pounds. I will never go back to endless hours of disconnecting from reality because Im too scared to face my world. I will never go back to relying on medication to ease the pain of my depression. I will never go back to laying in bed wondering if today is the day that I will get up and start taking control of my life. I will never go back to eating and purging and then repeating it multiple times per day. I will never go back to being the old me
I want 170.
I dont need 170.
It will come
When it comes
4 comments so far.
4.
a decade ago
Awesome!! Just exactly what I'm telling myself every step of the way. It's hard not to focus on the numbers, but in the end the numbers aren't the most important part of this journey. Most important is how good we feel about how far we've come from where we were and how absolutely awesome we feel about where we're going!!
by DOLIDEAR
3.
a decade ago
Where's Tara when I need her? Oh, right there. Thanks!
:love:
by AWH617
2.
a decade ago
Come train me, Tara! Everything about you rocks. The fact that you came from where you are to where you are now - beauty and flaws alike - make you into such an amazing inspiration. Even when you feel like you don't know all the answers, they rise up through you even when you don't expect them.
:heart1:
by MUDDYMAMA
1.
a decade ago
Awesome post. Again.
by GOODKAT