I don’t have much control when out of my comfort zone.

People often tell me how impressed they are with my weight loss and how motivated they are by my ability to stick with the journey. Some days I have no idea who they are talking about. The person who gets up at 330a, packs her food and makes deliberate choices when in her comfort zone is no where near the person that occupied her mind/body when out of those comfort zones.

Last Wednesday I went to Houston for something job related and for three days I’m not really even sure who occupied my body. Decisions were made that I never would make at home. Choices were acted upon that would never even cross my mind while in the comforts of my schedule. I try to justify why I ate the things I ate but in the end it comes down to the plain and simple “I don’t know how to say no when left to my own devices”.

I didn’t have a Plan of Action.

Though in all honesty, even if I did have a POA I don’t know that I would have been able to stick to it. There is something about being with a group of people that have no idea that 10 months I weighed almost 100 pounds heavier. There is something sneaky about knowing when you’re in line to get lunch and the cake at the end of the line, that you don’t even really want, is totally accessible to you because no one will do a double take or whisper “should she be eating that?” Every meal provided to us for three days had something sweet at the end of the line and every time before I got in that line I said to myself “you don’t need it. You’re not going to feel good about yourself. Just walk away from it…”

I was never successful in following through.

I tried other avenues. I brought fruit from the hotel room to eat after my meal if I was still hungry. I had gum in my pocket to chew on to help fight the urge to eat the cake / cookies / chips provided. I tried drinking water to give me the sensation of being full. Nothing worked. I know part of me panicked about not having access to my own food choices and obsessed about being hungry so I took the pieces of cake, the cookies and chips offered because I was afraid that if I ate the fruit from the hotel that I sneaked into my bag then I wouldn’t have any food to eat until they decided it was time to feed us again. So I horded the fruit in much the same way I horded food at my old job.

For three days I ate what was offered even though I didn’t want it.

However there are good points to this post. Because even though I didn’t make the best choices I did make some pretty good (and even monumental) decisions. I ate what I ate and sat with it. I didn’t eat and then cry or allow myself to have bad thoughts about those decisions. I only ever went through the line once. I never returned for a second slice of cake even though it was there for the taking. I ate something that I normally wouldn’t consume at every meal but it wasn’t multiple pieces at one sitting. The most important accomplishment on this trip is I didn’t purge. I thought about it. Often. But never once did I sneak away and make myself “feel better” by bringing up what I swallowed.

Monumental!

I’m home now. Back in the comforts of knowing exactly where all the grocery stores are. Knowing exactly what I’m going to pack for food for the day. Knowing that I can go back to having a POA. Knowing where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing just about every minute of every day. Knowing that I’ll be getting up at 330a tomorrow morning to return to my regularly scheduled life…

Working off the cake.

Working on taking control.

Learning and implementing

Moving forward!

Living life.