Did you see that light bulb go off above my head?

You know the one that goes off when you either have an awesome idea or when you come to a realization of some grand proportion? I’m not one for awesome ideas so I’m going to chalk this particular light bulb episode to another epiphany of sorts. This one came when I was staring at the bowl of Halloween candy getting emptier and emptier and not one trick or treater had yet to knock on my door.

It went down something like this:

I’d just gone to Costco and stocked up on good healthy food options (where I also aimlessly walked up and down the aisles eating all the samples I can get my hands on). I don’t want to eat anymore so I eat a banana in hopes its going to fill me up enough to keep me from eating more. I stop at another store for smaller items (where I also buy a bagel and chop on that and realize that I am eating passed being full: I’m taking deep breaths in between bites). I’m finally home, in the kitchen trying to get my lunch together for the next day (today) and in between mouthfuls of cottage cheese and grapes, I’m also popping bite size tootsie rolls, charleston chews, dots and smarties.

I say out loud:

“I can’t wait for Halloween to be over so I can get rid of this damn candy”

My next thought:

Wow, tomorrow is November 1st.

For my entire adult life November has always been the worst month of the year. It is the anniversary of my mother’s death as well as her birthday. My mother died November 6th of 1990. Her birthday is November 19th. It’s never an easy month to get through. Depression sets in more than normal and lingers until the first of the year. This time last year I weighed 270 pounds and ate without any thought to what I was putting in my mouth. This time last year I was playing World of Warcraft multiple hours on weekdays and spending entire weekends sitting in one position trying to find some reality in an unrealistic game. This is how I dealt with November: by not dealing with it.

This year is NOT last year.

This year is NOT the last 20 years of my life since my mother died.

I miss her more than ever this year. I want to tell her that I’m okay. I want to tell her that despite the tools she didn’t have I am finally living my life the way it was meant to be lived. I want her to put her arms around me and tell me that she’s proud of me for taking control. I want her to apologize for what she lacked in parental skills. I want to walk around the block with her and hold her hand and tell her that I love her and that despite the hardships I turned out okay and even better than okay. I want her to stand with me at a starting line, put her palms on my face, kiss my forehead and tell me to run like the wind. I want her to be there when I cross over a finish line and hug me and tell me that I’m the fastest runner out there.

Here I am again at the beginning of November and find myself resorting to old behaviors.

But this year is different.

I am aware.

As soon as I had that epiphany a calm washed over me.

I still want to eat but I have a few new tools in my toolbox this year: Knowledge and Understanding. I didn’t have them last year. I didn’t have them for the last 20. Not having these tools got me to 270 pounds. Not having them got me severe depression, anxiety and fear of living. Not having them kept me from taking control and moving forward. Not having them made me the walking dead..

Now I am the walking living.

We’ll see what November brings as I remember it’s been 21 years since I’ve seen her alive and as I wonder what she would look like had she lived to see what would be her 72nd birthday. We’ll see what November brings as I finally go through what is usually the hardest month of the year equipped with what every person should have:

A tool box full of understanding and knowledge.