Okay so check this out.

I wanted to do a post about the positive things happening for me since losing weight. I can be pretty intense in my writing (really Tara?) and I won’t lie; the intensity is what brings the readers to my yard. However, there is much more to this LCJ than just sweating, crying tears, having epiphanies and daily episodes of self-examination. There is more than just facing fears, trying to stay in the moment, surviving momentary freak outs and constantly thinking about how I’m going to actually make all these choices (decisions, actions, movements) stick around to become a lifestyle change not just a change for the moment.

I sat down this morning in front of my laptop.

I’ll be damned if I can’t begin a simple “Hey, way to go Tara” post.

Immediately my heart rate went up. My mind went blank. I actually thought to myself “Self, there is nothing you’ve done worth being proud of“…even I have to say WTF?!!? I started this damn post about 15 times, each time never getting past the first line before hitting the backspace button and staring at the blinking horizontal line waiting for something positive to come to my mind. Every time something good came me, I replaced it with the old “yhea but” mentality:

I can wake up and run 6 miles without blinking an eye

(But you injured your achilles because you don’t know how to run)

I can fit into a size 32 pair of pants

(But you can’t go into a name brand clothing store to buy them)

The scale says 168

(it will go back up)

I can lift some pretty heavy weights

(But you still have sagging skin that makes funny sounds because it slaps together when you walk)

I make pretty good food choices

(But you need a therapy session to eat a slice of pizza)

I am much happier today than this time last year

(liar)

GAH!!!! So frustrating and yet such an eye opener for me to realize just how much emotional work this journey is even at this juncture. In reality, the emotional portion of this journey is probably at it’s hardest right about now. I want to enjoy the weight loss. I want to enjoy the notion that I am successful and I am worth living a healthy life. I want to enjoy the slice of Costco pizza without feeling like I need to go the the gym and repent of my food sins. I want to see what others are seeing when they look at me. I know I’ve said this many times before that I thought the negative voices of my former self would go away with the transformation of my now self but I’m wrong. Those negative thoughts / voices / perceptions have prepared themselves for the battle of a lifetime.

They are armed and dangerous

They are strong

They are determined

They think they will win this war and that I will go quietly and without a fight
.
.
.
.
.

WRONG!

This is a change for a lifetime. PERIOD! I may not be my own best friend but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some sh*tty ass voices talk me down from where I am and go back to a life that wasn’t worth living. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some sad childhood memories keep from making new memories of me being strong, successful and happy to be the adult I have grown into. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit on the sidelines and let those voices (memories, feelings, flash backs, emotions) keep me from being the quarterback of my own life. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow myself to negate all that I have done and survived, not just in the last year but in my entire life. NO! NO! NO!

*Totally crying right now*

A note to myself: Cry your eyes all you want and try to tell yourself you’re not worth it. Try to tell yourself that you don’t deserve to take credit for all the hard work you’ve put into making yourself a better person. Try to tell yourself you’ll never be better than your brothers and that your mom was right all along. Try to tell yourself you don’t deserve the love of your husband, your family and your friends. It’s all a lie and you know it. Deep down inside you know that this is not how you deserve to live your life. Deep down inside you know you are a good person. You keep fighting Tara. You keep looking at your body and you keep allowing yourself to be amazed at the person you have become. I know the only way you can even write this at the moment is by writing it as if someone else is telling you these things because you can’t tell yourself. You may hear those voices telling you that you are nothing but I know that you are something. I know you won’t give up so easily. I know you’ll continue to move forward.I know you will prepare for the same war that those negative thoughts and feelings are preparing for.

I know because I’m right here with you.

I love you.