PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Friday, Nov 19 2010 - The toughest opponent out there...
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
Confession time:
I'm kind of being a big baby today.
A combination of events over the past week have left me feeling angsty, emotional and just plain in a "f*ck off" kind of mood. Not just bad events either. Momentous events that should leave one feeling like a bad ass and on top of the world left me feeling confused and unsure of myself. So I'm here to just put the words down on paper (albeit virtual paper) and see where I end up.
On Wednesday I went shopping with Valerie (Seattlerunnergirl) and Jessi (jmlitteer). I want to tell you that it was wonderful and magical and that it was everything that I had hoped for but to tell you the truth it was much harder than I was anticipating. It was more emotional than I was prepared for. Now don't think for one second I didn't have a great time because I did. Remember for me this journey isn't just about weight loss. It's about discovering that I can function in my environment socially and be okay. It's about trusting that people want to hang out with me because they like me, care about me and actually find me fun to be around.
It's about tearing down walls and letting people in.
It's about living life.
It's about life.
So that part of the shopping was awesome. The idea of letting myself try on nice clothes and fitting almost everything I took off the racks was the hard part. I went into stores like The Gap, H & M and Victoria Secrets and felt like I didn't deserve to be there. EFT (Emotionally fat Tara) was tapping me on my shoulder and saying "ummm, you know only the pretty people come in here right?" I tried to shut her out and even bought some things that I really liked but truth be told it was much harder than I was prepared for. So much so that as soon as my date with Val and Jess was over I went to Value Village (one step up from Goodwill) and shopped for some clothes just to make myself calm down (because I deserve to shop second hand stores).
This is going to be a long journey.
The last couple of days have been emotionally trying on me (okay seriously when is my life not emotionally trying right?!?). Many of the important people in my life are calling on me to give them emotional support and I feel like I just don't have it in me right now. Friends and Family alike are leaning on me these days and while I want to be there for every single one of them I just don't know how to say "but what about me??" My mother's deaths, her birthday, the upcoming holidays, the idea of intuitive eating, meeting goal weight, not knowing what do next, missing Godfather, doing a my first half marathon in a week, and just plain old trying to live in this body that I call home now has left me feeling like I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and be non existent until at least January 2011.
I didn't want to go to the gym today because I was feeling really let down after Godfather had to cancel on me. I was angry. I didn't want to face him or anyone else for that matter. I let the alarm go off at 3:30a and reset it for 5:30a. When that went off I seriously thought about just calling in sick for the whole day and throwing a temper tantrum like a three year old.
I went. I was mad. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't there but 10 minutes before the universe gave me a message I needed. Someone walked by me and on the back of their shirt was the following:
It's You vs. You
Isn't that the damn truth.
We are our toughest opponents. We battle our emotions on a daily basis. We deal with the let downs and with the miracles of this journey. We're there for others and forget to be there for ourselves. We put too much into what we want from those around us and forget that we can give ourselves exactly the same thing. We tell our friends and family that they deserve to be as happy as possible and that every goal is achievable but when it comes to believing it ourselves it just doesn't happen. I want to live free of the "vs. you" part of this journey. I don't want to be my worst enemy any longer. I don't want be continually looking over the proverbial shoulder wondering what negative thought is going to creep up behind me and keep me from moving forward. I just want to live this life the way it was meant to be lived: happily.
Seeing the "you vs. you" today really hit home for me. I was able to have a long talk with Godfather about my feelings and got to tell him that I'm feeling like I need someone to come through for me because I'm feeling a little left out right now. He got it and that was all I needed. I went back to my work out and pretty much killed it. I'm not saying that I feel better...in fact I'm pretty much just as craptastic now as when I started my day but in this You Vs. You game there can only be one winner.
I'll let you guess whose taking home the trophy.
I'm kind of being a big baby today.
A combination of events over the past week have left me feeling angsty, emotional and just plain in a "f*ck off" kind of mood. Not just bad events either. Momentous events that should leave one feeling like a bad ass and on top of the world left me feeling confused and unsure of myself. So I'm here to just put the words down on paper (albeit virtual paper) and see where I end up.
On Wednesday I went shopping with Valerie (Seattlerunnergirl) and Jessi (jmlitteer). I want to tell you that it was wonderful and magical and that it was everything that I had hoped for but to tell you the truth it was much harder than I was anticipating. It was more emotional than I was prepared for. Now don't think for one second I didn't have a great time because I did. Remember for me this journey isn't just about weight loss. It's about discovering that I can function in my environment socially and be okay. It's about trusting that people want to hang out with me because they like me, care about me and actually find me fun to be around.
It's about tearing down walls and letting people in.
It's about living life.
It's about life.
So that part of the shopping was awesome. The idea of letting myself try on nice clothes and fitting almost everything I took off the racks was the hard part. I went into stores like The Gap, H & M and Victoria Secrets and felt like I didn't deserve to be there. EFT (Emotionally fat Tara) was tapping me on my shoulder and saying "ummm, you know only the pretty people come in here right?" I tried to shut her out and even bought some things that I really liked but truth be told it was much harder than I was prepared for. So much so that as soon as my date with Val and Jess was over I went to Value Village (one step up from Goodwill) and shopped for some clothes just to make myself calm down (because I deserve to shop second hand stores).
This is going to be a long journey.
The last couple of days have been emotionally trying on me (okay seriously when is my life not emotionally trying right?!?). Many of the important people in my life are calling on me to give them emotional support and I feel like I just don't have it in me right now. Friends and Family alike are leaning on me these days and while I want to be there for every single one of them I just don't know how to say "but what about me??" My mother's deaths, her birthday, the upcoming holidays, the idea of intuitive eating, meeting goal weight, not knowing what do next, missing Godfather, doing a my first half marathon in a week, and just plain old trying to live in this body that I call home now has left me feeling like I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and be non existent until at least January 2011.
I didn't want to go to the gym today because I was feeling really let down after Godfather had to cancel on me. I was angry. I didn't want to face him or anyone else for that matter. I let the alarm go off at 3:30a and reset it for 5:30a. When that went off I seriously thought about just calling in sick for the whole day and throwing a temper tantrum like a three year old.
I went. I was mad. I felt sorry for myself. I wasn't there but 10 minutes before the universe gave me a message I needed. Someone walked by me and on the back of their shirt was the following:
It's You vs. You
Isn't that the damn truth.
We are our toughest opponents. We battle our emotions on a daily basis. We deal with the let downs and with the miracles of this journey. We're there for others and forget to be there for ourselves. We put too much into what we want from those around us and forget that we can give ourselves exactly the same thing. We tell our friends and family that they deserve to be as happy as possible and that every goal is achievable but when it comes to believing it ourselves it just doesn't happen. I want to live free of the "vs. you" part of this journey. I don't want to be my worst enemy any longer. I don't want be continually looking over the proverbial shoulder wondering what negative thought is going to creep up behind me and keep me from moving forward. I just want to live this life the way it was meant to be lived: happily.
Seeing the "you vs. you" today really hit home for me. I was able to have a long talk with Godfather about my feelings and got to tell him that I'm feeling like I need someone to come through for me because I'm feeling a little left out right now. He got it and that was all I needed. I went back to my work out and pretty much killed it. I'm not saying that I feel better...in fact I'm pretty much just as craptastic now as when I started my day but in this You Vs. You game there can only be one winner.
I'll let you guess whose taking home the trophy.
3 comments so far.
3.
a decade ago
I totally understand the you vs. you competition. I'm working through it by telling myself that I'm the only on in this race and however and "when ever" I finish, I am always a winner! (because it's only me remember) One person in a race always leaves me the winner, the first place finisher...it's a half full approach. Keep up the great work - it's in you
:)
by DANKI
2.
a decade ago
It's hard not to obsess about everything. It's about prioritizing, I'm moving, I'm eating, the rest will fall in place. Don't be like the women on the titanic who skipped the dessert cart, open bar and late nite dances to fulfill the needs of society. You'll evolve eventually, have patience, love, and faith in yourself.
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
1.
a decade ago
You know, you posted this on Friday but I didn't read it until this morning. I was at my friend's place last night and we ended up talking a lot about emotional weight and what we feel deserving of. Granted I lost 64lbs so far, but I have lost 82 since my heighest and though I have a long way to go I see what you are saying.
My friend has lost 148lbs through busting her a$$. She said that though she looks in the mirror and everythign says she is skinny she doesn't feel it. I still have a long road ahead but I see that I do that in the mirror sometimes. I really wish I could have made a body double of me at 328 so my 246 self could stand next to her.
We talked about how we let people treat us because we are overweight (or were) and how we don't feel deserving.
I didn't feel that emotional overweight person until quite recently. I am glad you posted this because I can relate and it's really nice to hear your thoughts.
by ANIMOSUS777