i am closing in on 100 lbs lost and it feels amazing. i have come so far. i am not shy to say that i am more proud of myself than i ever have been in my entire life. it took me a year to get here... but it was so worth the wait. and i honestly feel that if it had taken any less time that i may have taken it for granted.

every day when i look in the mirror i see the real person that has been in there all along but that has been scared to peek out. but even better, i see my mom!

my mom died july 2008 and that was the most painful experience that i have ever been through. she WAS my family. it was her and me my whole life since my dad died when i was 2 of leukemia. my mom died of an accidental overdose of her pain patch/medication. the patch malfunctioned and released two times the deadly limit into her blood stream. i am pursuing a lawsuit... but that is another story all together and i do not intend to get rich... but she should not have died.. and only at 51.

her death was a shock and i felt completely alone for a very long time. i felt like i was floating without anyone or anything to ground me. i had no one in which to find myself, to learn more about who i was, to see my identity in. it was all gone, in an instant and without warning. my husband was very supportive but at the time... he was just my husband and i had lost way more than he could ever replace, i felt i had lost my history. even though my grandparents are still alive and my aunt (my mom's only living sibling out of 3.... yes very tragic) is still alive i feel a disconnect. like my mom connected me to them. it's weird.

growing up with my mom was not always easy and i think that i learned the addicting behaviors that i have with food during this time. my mom was not the best mom when i was very young and i am thankful that we made amends for this before she passed. even though she may have made many bad choices i knew that i was her #1 long before she died. but she went through times of drinking and bar hopping to leave me at the age of 5 home alone all night or to catch the bus and get off the bus on my own when she worked 2nd shift. she had men come in and out whom i never cared for and sometimes she was not the best role model. when i was in high school she became sick with lupus and over time started to abuse her pain medications. i resented her so much and this was the time where we had the most turmoil. i ended up moving out... which is probably the best thing that could have happened. my junior year i left and we began to rebuild our relationship very slowly. i had to learn to trust her again.

we never had money, or if we did she spent it on many "wants" and fun things. this is where i get my lovely spending habits. she was impulsive and fun and silly and amazing to be around. she was the best listener i have ever known. i could tell her literally anything. she was always so proud of me and i know she is up there smiling down... her and my dad. she died right before his birthday... so you know they celebrated big time!

her death brought me closer to god because there is NO WAY that she is anywhere but heaven. she met her maker and is pain free forever... and i can't wait to be greeted by her loving arms.

my mom was the classiest woman i have ever known. i used to resent her for this. but now, when i look in the mirror i see her. i see her hands when i look down at my own. i feel her gait when i walk around with confidence and ease. and i am so thankful to feel her in me... i am so thankful to be a living testament to her class, and to her legacy.

perfect or not, she was my mom and she was the single most influential person on my life. she made me who i am today. she was clean for several years before she died and she learned to manage her addiction. i feel like food is my drug of choice and inspired by my mom, and seeing her in me more and more everyday, i have no desire to ever go back to the days of overeating.

this is for you mom.... i miss you. xoxo