i can't believe i am ten lbs from goal. it seems like this journey has taken so long and i am not quite ready for it to be over. but i do realize that it will be the start of a whole new journey... a journey of maintaining health, and fitness.

i am thankful that i have started running and i feel like that will give me a new focus once i hit goal. this summer i plan to run several 5k races and to work up to a half marathon by september. i feel scared that i won't hit this goal, but i do think i can... so i will just tell myself that i "will" and then i will make it happen.

i will be honest, i am getting bored with 1250 calories. but i am able to do it... it's just so low and i am ready to up it to maintenance calories. but at the same time, i am so close to goal and my body is liking what i am doing right now. i have lost 5 lbs already in april.

today i got scared, almost sick to my stomach when i realized the pants i was wearing were a 5/6. that is so foreign to me. but it is me. i never in a million years imagined that my body would fit into that size. maybe a 14, a 12... but not a 6! seriously.

i am also concerned that my mental/visual image of myself hasn't caught up with my actual physical self. i think that's why i got sort of sick about it when i thought about being a size 6. like, it's unbelievable. lots of people are telling me that another 10 lbs doesn't seem feasable. but they don't know what i look like under my clothes. and i tell them that...

but am i seeing the true picture? maybe i could maintain now... but would i regret not going further to my actual goal? my original goal was 140, and i lowered it as i approached the 140's thinking i wanted to lose more. i am now wondering if i should lower it to 130 or 125... but i don't want to overdo it either.

there is just so much flab, and lose skin everywhere and i hate it. i know it will tighten up at some point... i just need to be patient and realize that losing lbs won't necessarily help that but toning up will help. i will keep up on the higher protein and doing weights to help with that in addition to my cross training and running workouts.

i am going to finish. whatever that means. and if it evolves as i go, that is okay...