RAEANNESISSON's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Apr 25 2010 - hi my name is raeanne and i am a food addict.
View RAEANNESISSON's food & exercise for this day
okay.... deep breath.
i have been putting off a binge for at least a week. i have had this overwhelming feeling that i want to eat everything near me. i started clean eating last week and i don't know if that is why i have this new feeling of deprivation, or if it is just the long term restricted eating, etc. i can't put my finger on "why" but it could also be related to stress at work/school etc.
i made it through the week without a binge. i met my calorie goals most days and ate back the exercise calories that i sometimes so desperately felt i needed in order to just EAT something. with only about 200 calories left at the end of the night i found myself worried about whether or not i would be able to find something for that amount of kcals that would be satisfying or filling.
we had a dance at school friday night. chips galore. cookies a plenty. i had half of a carefully chosen vanilla sandwich cookie and it wasn't even that great. i also had a few corn chips. i felt successful after not going hog wild when that was ALL i could think about.
then fast forward to saturday. i had an amazing workout session and ran 6.5 miles. the LONGEST duration and mileage i have ever run. before, my max was 48 min and 4.2 miles. this was 6.5 miles and 71 min. i burned a lot of calories, and i had no qualms about eating them back but i felt relief like i didn't have to worry so much about my green check. i felt like i had more wiggle room since i burned over 700 kcals.
i did great. and before i left for the bachelorette party, i carefully planned, logged, and packed a dinner and snacks plus breakfast and snacks for the next morning. i knew that i may indulge a little but felt okay about that and felt prepared.
7pm and i arrive. i helped to cut the fruit for the fruit tray. but the other foods were so totally calling my names too. buffalo chicken dip and chips, chips and salsa, bread and spinach dip, stuffed mushrooms, white cake with buttercream frosting, white cake with pink frosting, rice crispy treats.... and drinks plus punch.
i started eating at 7 and didn't stop til 2am. was i full? terribly. and even still, i almost deliberately kept shoving it in. what is wrong with me? i felt so out of control. but i also felt like i was enjoying it, but in a sick twisted sort of way. i am actually very embarrassed about how much i ate.
for the record, others were grazing the whole night too. but i am sure i ate way over 1000-2000 calories. i have no idea. it is beyond estimations.
but my concern is... what can i do to prevent this from happening. what can i do to stop this feeling of deprivation? i wrote earlier this week on my blog about upping my calories to stay sane. i think i did that a moment too late. i may even up them again from 1350 to 1400 just for a little wiggle room. and if i am under, fine..
then, vtiller brings up this great point in the forums about looking at the big picture of health. am i healthy? hell yes. i am an athlete at this point. should i be okay with 145 lbs and being an athlete? probably... but there are still parts of me that i am not satisfied with.
i am scared that if i go into maintenance that this roll around my middle won't go anywhere. that is really the LAST of my body flaws that i will not live with. the others, i can handle. the droopy breasts, sagging butt, wrinkled thighs... i can take all that. but this tire roll, this muffin top, it has to go.
plan so far:
1. upping my calories.
2. continuing to exercise and eating back at least half the kcals
3. keep eating clean but don't focus so much on the schedule of every 2-3 hours. (this got me hung up and obsessed about the next time i would eat again...)
what else?
should i go into maintenance and work on toning and reducing fat percentage? i am at a loss... and i am worried that i am on my way to disordered eating.
to shift gears... i also had a really bad muscle cramp an hour after i fell asleep. i don't know if that was from my long run, a lack of sodium prior to the run, potassium, or just plain my body being all stopped up from the sugar overhaul. but now i am resting my body today and i'm sad because of all days, i NEED to workout today.
i am scared of the scale. but BIG PICTURE it should not matter. look how far i have come... i will not go back, but how do i keep going forward healthfully?
i am back on track today by the way... loads of water, clean foods, protein and complex carbs. i know all the "tricks" and i am using them. but i am so foggy and tired. yuck. how sad and depressing.
i have been putting off a binge for at least a week. i have had this overwhelming feeling that i want to eat everything near me. i started clean eating last week and i don't know if that is why i have this new feeling of deprivation, or if it is just the long term restricted eating, etc. i can't put my finger on "why" but it could also be related to stress at work/school etc.
i made it through the week without a binge. i met my calorie goals most days and ate back the exercise calories that i sometimes so desperately felt i needed in order to just EAT something. with only about 200 calories left at the end of the night i found myself worried about whether or not i would be able to find something for that amount of kcals that would be satisfying or filling.
we had a dance at school friday night. chips galore. cookies a plenty. i had half of a carefully chosen vanilla sandwich cookie and it wasn't even that great. i also had a few corn chips. i felt successful after not going hog wild when that was ALL i could think about.
then fast forward to saturday. i had an amazing workout session and ran 6.5 miles. the LONGEST duration and mileage i have ever run. before, my max was 48 min and 4.2 miles. this was 6.5 miles and 71 min. i burned a lot of calories, and i had no qualms about eating them back but i felt relief like i didn't have to worry so much about my green check. i felt like i had more wiggle room since i burned over 700 kcals.
i did great. and before i left for the bachelorette party, i carefully planned, logged, and packed a dinner and snacks plus breakfast and snacks for the next morning. i knew that i may indulge a little but felt okay about that and felt prepared.
7pm and i arrive. i helped to cut the fruit for the fruit tray. but the other foods were so totally calling my names too. buffalo chicken dip and chips, chips and salsa, bread and spinach dip, stuffed mushrooms, white cake with buttercream frosting, white cake with pink frosting, rice crispy treats.... and drinks plus punch.
i started eating at 7 and didn't stop til 2am. was i full? terribly. and even still, i almost deliberately kept shoving it in. what is wrong with me? i felt so out of control. but i also felt like i was enjoying it, but in a sick twisted sort of way. i am actually very embarrassed about how much i ate.
for the record, others were grazing the whole night too. but i am sure i ate way over 1000-2000 calories. i have no idea. it is beyond estimations.
but my concern is... what can i do to prevent this from happening. what can i do to stop this feeling of deprivation? i wrote earlier this week on my blog about upping my calories to stay sane. i think i did that a moment too late. i may even up them again from 1350 to 1400 just for a little wiggle room. and if i am under, fine..
then, vtiller brings up this great point in the forums about looking at the big picture of health. am i healthy? hell yes. i am an athlete at this point. should i be okay with 145 lbs and being an athlete? probably... but there are still parts of me that i am not satisfied with.
i am scared that if i go into maintenance that this roll around my middle won't go anywhere. that is really the LAST of my body flaws that i will not live with. the others, i can handle. the droopy breasts, sagging butt, wrinkled thighs... i can take all that. but this tire roll, this muffin top, it has to go.
plan so far:
1. upping my calories.
2. continuing to exercise and eating back at least half the kcals
3. keep eating clean but don't focus so much on the schedule of every 2-3 hours. (this got me hung up and obsessed about the next time i would eat again...)
what else?
should i go into maintenance and work on toning and reducing fat percentage? i am at a loss... and i am worried that i am on my way to disordered eating.
to shift gears... i also had a really bad muscle cramp an hour after i fell asleep. i don't know if that was from my long run, a lack of sodium prior to the run, potassium, or just plain my body being all stopped up from the sugar overhaul. but now i am resting my body today and i'm sad because of all days, i NEED to workout today.
i am scared of the scale. but BIG PICTURE it should not matter. look how far i have come... i will not go back, but how do i keep going forward healthfully?
i am back on track today by the way... loads of water, clean foods, protein and complex carbs. i know all the "tricks" and i am using them. but i am so foggy and tired. yuck. how sad and depressing.
6 comments so far.
6.
a decade ago
So, I started reading Paulo Coehlo's The Alchemist today. I got to this paragraph, and all I could think of was you. He's talking about finding your true authentic calling and the obstacles you face getting there, but I really think it can be applied to you right now.
"I ask myself: are defeats necessary? Well, necessary or not, they happen. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but get up eight times. Once we have overcome the defeats - and we always do - we are filled by a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life.
The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."
by ROSERENE
5.
a decade ago
Raeanne, trust yourself. Believe in yourself. Trust in the process. Eat well balanced foods from all food groups. Love yourself everyday. Take pride of the work you have done this long. At this point in the game, watch portion sizes, step away from logging and test your CK skills. Have more well rounded meals, a healthy carb, protein, and MUFA for a fat. Sometimes I do better logging my meals on paper and don't feel so trapped on the comp in getting a green check mark. Start with breakfast, eat like a king, and taper it down by dinnertime. I think you are ready for this phase. I guarantee you that if you continue to eat a wide variety of foods at your designated mealtimes the weight will go down as well as your feelings of deprivation. As for your kcals burned, especially if you are running a marathon, focus on good quality multicarbs, you will notice that by adding these into your meals the ravenous feelings and or binges days after dissapate.
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
4.
a decade ago
I actually think you know what the problem is, but you're afraid if you let yourself venture away from what you have been doing so far, you won't get the results you want.
You have a good action plan set-up. And I'm here to tell you you can eat more and still shape and tone up your body. If you are giving your body the fuel it needs, you will see amazing things happen. It may not happen tomorrow or next week, but it will happen. You aren't in any rush here, you have to remember that
You've lost a lot of weight in a short time. You have not taken a break since you started losing. Remember, it takes a while for your body to respond to the weight loss too. Maybe this is a good time to give yourself a mental break a little too.
I agree with the idea of deprivation causing your binge. Hope you find a way to balance what you need and you want.
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
3.
a decade ago
Raeanne, I have a different idea to put to you... Ive been reading Dr. Mark Hyman's ''UltraMind Solution''... are you sure you are getting all of the essential vitamins and minerals your body needs? His book sets out *exactly* what your body needs with a way to tailor requirements based on how you feel and (what we normally consider) minor ailments. He suggests (somewhere in that book) that severe cravings are a sign that your body is lacking *some* particular vitamin or mineral. The body keep signalling ''eat this, eat that'' in the hopes that the missing nutrient will be there. For me I was seriously lacking in zinc (and a few others, but not to the same extent). Until I finally got that in the proper dosage I just didnt have the craving control or good health that I expected with eating (mostly) clean and healthy. I was trying over and over to control myself from eating meat, milk, cheese, bread, cereals, potato and yogurt -- all of which are zinc sources. Eating these things always made me feel satisfied, but that had to be wrong as all of these things have fat or gluten which we *know* are bad. But yet thats what my body wanted. Once I added a zinc suppliment control seemed so much easier. I even counted up how much zinc I was getting daily, and there was no way I could eat enough zinc sources and not be over in fat and in calories. CK is great for general guidelines, but nutritional daily requirements are not really emphasized. There's lots of info about nutrients, vitamins and minerals on the net, but its hard to find a reliable, single reference on all of them. But it is something you could look into. Just an idea.
by VEELACAILLE
2.
a decade ago
hi
:)
don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone has days like that when they eat everything in sight, even people that have been thin their whole lives.
i'm worried that maybe you are depriving yourself too much with the perfectly clean eating and perhaps you could plan and work back some favorites into your diet?
I find social occasions the most challenging because i resent that i can't eat whatever everyone else is eating. I almost always mess them up. But if you just have one day that was a woopsie every once in a while it's just a blip on the radar of what has been a very successful and inspiring journey for you. You can keep going and deal with the bits you don't like- even if you did have a bad day. it doesn't mean it's over. It means you learned something, and will be better prepared to deal with it the next time around. You're doing great !
by NEIMANMARXIST
1.
a decade ago
I'm no expert by any means Raeanne and I'm not even sure I'm quipped to leave a comment here. You really have come a long way. A whole life changing journey. 110 pounds is absolutely nothing to blink an eye at. You are where I want to be.
I'm not so much worried about your physical heatlth as I am your mental health. I don't know what this journey entails for you but I'm only 40 pounds into it and I'm having some serious mental breakdowns because I'm realizing that this isn't just about weight.
It would be different if you and I were only on a 20 pound weight loss journey. We could easily say we just got lazy, had babies or became content with our lives. We're on a 100+ weight loss journey and almost inevitably there is something holding us back mentally and emotionally.
I could totally be wrong.
I know some people that pick a day a month and all they do is eat until they literally become sick and then it's back to business for them.
Take care of you. Whatever it takes!
by PRNCSSGRL