I have a job that I love despite being embarrassed when people ask me where I work. Yes… I work at PetSmart. I never intended for that to be my full time job, but due to recent circumstances it is, and come to find out, I love it. I’m a lowly stocker/cashier/customer service person, and I was kinda okay with that for a couple months…until they hired a new manager. The problem – they asked me if I wanted the management position. I honestly wasn’t sure if I wanted the responsibility of a management position given that I’d just been discharged from the hospital and dealing with life was a big enough responsibility in itself at first, but I needed the pay so I said yes and acted excited about it. Then the hiring manager decided that they were going to hire from outside the company. I’m not sure how I can be devastated about not getting a position that I never wanted to begin with, but I was. Why didn’t they want me? What did I do wrong? I could understand if they wanted someone who had been with the company longer…somebody who knew more…somebody with a business degree maybe. But that’s not who they hired. They hired somebody with NO experience, with NO degree, who they have to train from the ground up. What??? What was wrong with me? I have two degrees, owned a successful business for several years, and have done absolutely everything they’ve asked me to without complaint. I research products and animals on my own time so I’ll be better equipped to answer customer’s questions. They seem to like me. They’ve promoted me or given me a raise nearly every month since I started. So why not management? Why not ME??? I did kind of leave them for a couple months with no notice while I was in the hospital. Is that it? Or are they worried that since I have an education and other experience that I won’t stay with the company? Maybe that’s it. Whatever the reason, I still feel like I wasn’t wanted or wasn’t good enough.

I’m having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with my career. I really do love working at PetSmart. I actually look forward to going to work, which is more than I can say for any of my “real” jobs. The problem – I only make $8.75/hr (after they’ve given me a few raises!). I can’t live on that. My student loans are on hold at the moment due to financial hardship, but they’re not going to be deferred forever. And I didn’t rack up all that student loan debt with the intention of working in retail. Plus, I hate that I’m embarrassed when people ask where I work. I used to be proud of what I was doing. I wasn’t embarrassed when I said “I have an architectural design business” or “I work at an engineering firm” or “I’m working on my hours to become licensed as a therapist.” Now I shrink as I say, “Well, right now I’m just working at PetSmart.” I feel like all those people in their nice business suits are looking down on me. I want to put a disclaimer on my head saying “I used to be one of you”…”I used to be important too.” I’d feel better about it if I were at least a manager there. But even then, is that really what I want to do with my life? I enjoy it. Is that enough? Maybe I just need to get over my pride.

When I had talked about the management position to my treatment team nobody seemed to be for it. You’re still “too fragile” was my therapist’s response. I have mixed feelings about that. Yeah, the ED is/was still a definite issue. The consensus from everyone seems to be that I should spend my time and energy working on recovery for a while…that I shouldn’t put myself in too stressful a situation…that I need to make me and my appointments a priority. I get that, but at the same time I think for me it allows me to stay sick. Being in a “disposable” job makes it all that much easier to fall back into the eating disorder and dispose of that job. It’s easier to throw everything away when there’s not that much to lose. Then again, I let the eating disorder win even when I had a lot to lose. It just hurt a lot more when I lost it. I don’t know what the answer is. Is there an answer?