Happy New Year! I really do love this time of year. I love the hope that starting something new brings. It’s really hard for me to believe that it’s been 10 years since the whole Y2K thing. Sometimes it seems to me like time is standing still, but then I look up and a whole decade has passed. In 2000 I was 21, just finished my first degree, and starting out in “the real world”. Now I’m…well…older (you can do the math)! I never imagined the twists and turns life would take, but they have brought me to where I am, and for better or worse I’ve learned a lot.


So here’s my decade in review…

Ten Years Ago…Graduated from Abilene Christian University with a BS in Interior design. Moved to Austin and started working in a physical therapy office.

Nine Years ago…Got a job at an engineering firm doing lighting design for Banana Republic. Started doing relay and control design for high voltage substations.

Eight years ago…Admitted for the first time that I had been struggling with an eating disorder for quite some time. Started seeing my first therapist and thought I’d be “cured” within a few months. Little did I know, it was only the beginning of a loooong journey.

Seven years ago…Spent 8 weeks in treatment at La Que Sabe in Austin, but wasn’t ready to give up my eating disorder. Was forced to move back to California as I could no longer function on my own.

Six years ago…Started an architectural design business in California. Went back to school for my master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, and started coaching and competing again with the jump rope team I was part of before college.

Five years ago…Work. School. Jump rope. Work. School. Jump rope. Repeat! Started an internship doing therapy at a junior high. Worked with kids who had behavioral problems.

Four years ago…Graduated with my master’s degree and moved to Sacramento. Worked in a group home for juvenile sex offenders, and at an architectural firm.

Three years ago…Started up my architectural design business again so I could make my own schedule, allowing me to go back to school for my dietetics degree at Sac State. Didn’t last long. Had to drop out of school and started a day treatment program for my eating disorder at Summit.

Two years ago…Lost pretty much everything I’d worked for and spent the year in treatment – Day patient at Summit for a month, inpatient at Alhambra Hospital for a month, back to day patient at Summit for a month, inpatient at Center for Change for 6 months, back to day patient at Summit for another month. Moved to Utah to be closer to Center for Change so I could do outpatient with my treatment team there, which lasted all of a month before going back in as an inpatient for another few months.

So, that brings us to the past year.

Exactly one year ago I rang in the new year at Center for Change. I was weak, tired, and hopeless. I was confined to a wheelchair for almost eight weeks because in the month I was out of treatment I had screwed up my body so much that I could barely stand. I was desperate for recovery and thought I’d finally had enough…I couldn’t take any more…I was done with ED – for good! Discharged from the center mid February and did well, at least for a few weeks. Had my sixth or seventh knee surgery and then in March started work at Odyssey House in Salt Lake City, a drug and alcohol rehab. A week or two later I got another part time job at PetSmart. Somehow life “in recovery” wasn’t quite as I’d imagined it, but I was able to hold things together for a few months. Come July everything fell apart again. I was done with life and stopped eating altogether (admittedly not a great idea!). Self injury landed me in the hospital at Utah Valley Regional, and then the eating disorder kept me there for close to two months. I couldn’t cope with life or food or anything. Wound up with an NG tube for most of my stay there as I had lost any will to nourish myself. In time I began fighting again to regain my life. I lost my job at Odyssey house, as they had to find someone to fill my shifts while I was gone, but PetSmart is a big enough corporation that they were able to keep me. So, I went back to work part time at PetSmart, and a few weeks later got hired on full time there. Since then it’s been a struggle. I feel as though I have nothing left in my life, and all the things I worked so hard for are gone. It seems like the eating disorder will be a part of me forever. That terrifies me, but somehow the prospect of giving it up scares me more. It doesn’t make sense.


The past decade was full of ups and downs, triumphs and loss. When I look at the past 10 years in review, most of it doesn’t look so bad…at least on paper. But the eating disorder intertwined itself into every part of my life, tainting pretty much every good experience I’ve had. I’m not sure that I’d necessarily change anything, as those experiences have made me the person I am today. But do I really want to continue that way? Not so much. So where do I go from here? What does 2010 hold for me?

I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s Resolutions. Maybe because when I think of a resolution I think of something that never lasts past January. I do want to make some goals though (yeah I know…same concept – but somehow I like the term goals better!).

This year I want to put more effort into recovery than I do into fighting it. Like maybe follow my meal plan for one! Obviously what I’m doing hasn’t been working so well for me, despite ED telling me that “this time will be different.” The thing is, it never IS different. I have to stop putting my faith into something that has proven time and time again to end badly. Right at this very moment I have to admit that I’m not 100% on board with recovery. I do want it (I think), but it terrifies me. However, I know I have to give it a chance. So my goal is to make steps, even if they are baby steps. At this time next year maybe I’ll still struggle, but if I’m making progress I’ll call that a success.

I want to figure out a plan for my future, and how I’m going to get there. I feel so lost right now. I used to have so much ambition, and I’ve let the eating disorder take that from me too. This year, I’m reclaiming my ambition…reclaiming my hope for the future. Maybe I won’t even get to the point where I have any of those things that I want this year, but if I can at least figure out what it is that I want and have a plan to get there, I think I will call that a success as well.

And last, I want to blog/journal/whatever more. Having something to look back on is great, but moreso I just need to get my thoughts out of my head. I need to write them down so I can make sense of them, so they don’t consume me, as they have been doing for quite some time. It’s always a relief for me to get things on paper (or computer?) because then I can stop dwelling about it so much.

And with that, I believe I’m done for tonight. Happy New Year! And here’s to making 2010 a better year than the last!