I love Nia!!! I had so much fun last night. As an inpatient at Center for Change you get to do yoga and Nia if you’re exercise approved. If you haven’t heard of Nia, it’s like dance meets martial arts meets aerobics meets free movement. When I was inpatient the first time I got to do Nia all of two times…and then I got “unapproved” because I kept getting caught exercising illegally. Stupid eating disorder ruins everything! My second stay there I never got exercise approved because my body was kinda falling apart. Now, as an outpatient, I go to a balance and awareness group at the Center on Monday nights, which is pretty much a nutrition group…but last week we did yoga, and this week we did nia. It was AMAZING! I used to dance, so I love the whole dance aspect of it. I felt self-conscious at first, but once I got into it I was really able to appreciate my body for the way it allowed me move. Granted, I still had those thoughts that everyone was thinking I was fat, or that my flab was jiggling, and I kept finding myself wondering how many calories I was burning. But for the most part, I enjoyed the movement of my new “healthy” (grrrr) body. I had FUN! I miss fun. And, I just learned that the teacher (who is awesome and totally in tune with her body…and LOVING her body) teaches a class at a dance studio in town on Wednesday nights. Definitely going to see if I can manage to make that work.

I had so many memories last night being back on the inpatient unit at CFC (where the yoga/nia room is). It’s funny how you can visit somewhere that you’ve been before, and all the feelings from when you were there previously come right back to the surface, as if you just stepped back in time. My time at CFC wasn’t easy. It was hard…really hard. But there were good times there too. It’s where I learned to laugh again…where I learned to open my heart again…and where I learned to cry. I spent what was quite possibly the most important 9 months of my life there. I don’t want to be in a place where I have to go back. I don’t think I could handle losing everything again. Plus, I’m really starting to enjoy freedom, and most of all being able to flush my own toilet! But there are parts that I definitely do miss. Most notably, safety from the world, from myself, and from the eating disorder...and having people around 24/7 who "get it". But life isn't always safe, there won't always be people around who understand, and I guess it's time to learn to deal with it head on.