ROCKMOM2's CalorieKing blog
Wednesday, Oct 22 2008 - Praise and Blessings for the week!
View ROCKMOM2's food & exercise for this day
This week has been so much better. I have had some real moments of revelation in my life. Not sure how much I can get in print tonight, but plan to give it a try.
Last week I was in a sort of learning mode regarding the eating disorder that has controlled my precious daughter for the last 4+ years...silently until recently. I had also been in contact with my dear, giving sister-in-law who had recommended I be sure to spend quality time with our heavenly Father...praying for my daughter. She suggested I only read information that would put "positive" things in my heart. I have had really negative self-talk for as long as I can remember.
At the bookstore last week I was reading in one of the books on eating disorders and was so shaken and sick to my stomach, I was in tears before I was able to get to my car. I believe the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I have been emotionally/verbally abusing my precious daughter. There was a list of about 10 items that indicate the emotional/verbal abuse. I have done nearly all of those to my child at one time or another. I now know why we have the relationship we have and the damage I have caused. Do not feel sad for me and this guilt. It is no longer guilt, now I CAN and WILL change this behavior...THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than any amount of weight I could possibly want to lose! I have apologized repeatedly to Audrey, but she says I have done thisw so many times, she doesn't believe me...I understand and know that I now much prove this behavior to her in order for her trust me.
I have established a personal relationship with my heavenly Father and believe He is working very hard to heal my daughter for this eating disorder as well as heal our entire family of the emotional baggage we are carrying! Each morning this week I have sent Audrey a special bible verse via text to carry her through the day. I am learning so much about myself through all of this.
When Audrey and I had arguments before this new commitment to my Lord, I used to talk to myself the entire day she doesnt love you, she will leave you when she is old enough, her birthparents would have been better parents for her, the list of ugliness I spoke into my heart goes on and on. I have been able to control this ugliness through asking my Lord to ban satan from my mind and my being!there have been brief moments when I could feel the negative self talk welling up and again I would call on my Lord He has carried me everytime! I even talked to Audrey about the negative self talk tonight and she understood because she does it too, we both have to work on this.
Last night was our night to go to the Wellness Clinic.
FirstDietician: Audrey had not logged her meals like she should have. She needs to be getting 1600 calories before she will be permitted to exercise. She is 6 lbs overweight and stressing about this, but when she is not eating enough to keep her body functioning, she cannot exercise. Dietician told Audrey she wants her to be healthy about eating before she tries to get healthy through exercise. She does not want her to think of exercise as a way of burning what she eats .THIS HIT ME HARD! Audrey even looked at me because I am very guilty of doing this. I know I have eating issues but never thought about this as a concern I can be so obsessive though for example Sunday night we made homemade pizza I ate 3 pcs so I was over my calories for the day by 600+. I was so upset with myself that I went to bed early; couldnt sleep, so I got up and got on the treadmill for 90 minutes it wasnt for my healthy lifestyle it was simply to BURN those pizza calories! This is an eating disorder behavior! Audrey and I are learning together and getting healthy together praise God!
NextFamily Therapy: Audrey had come up with goals for how to accomplish some of the things her Dad and I find difficult to get her to achieve like getting up and getting to school on time. It was agreed that instead of 8:00 being the time she must be in the car she could be in the car at 8:05. At 8:06 her cell phone would be put on parental controls and she would not be allowed to text or rec. texts. Wed/today would be the first day to put this in action. She had a few other thing we went over but this was the biggest issue.
LastBody Image Class: She is in class with one other girl who is recovering from anorexia. She is much thinner than Audrey and thinks she is FAT/FAT/FAT she says this. Audrey said after this class last night she realizes she does not see herself like other people see her. She also said it was very helpful.
I am so thankful we are able to get this sort of help for her---for all of us really!
This morning was the test of the 8:05 departure time for school. I wont go into the details except to say she got in the car at 8:12 and begged for me not to turn her phone off for many reasons. All of them were things she could have controlled I was patient as I explained this to her. I told her on the way to school, and before we left the house you are probably going to be tardy too NOT GOOD, NOT MY PROBLEM! I should have kept my mouth shut I wasnt ugly when I said it but should not have said it, it is her responsibility, she knows what she has to do, I do not need to discuss concequences that will happen due to school rules she has to take the responsibility for this instead of hearing me nag. Following is the texts that we exchanged after she was dropped at school:
8:26 am AudiThanks for never listening to me
8:30 amMeI heard you. You did not keep your part of the commitment.. the agreement was 8:05 you got in the car after 8 10 with an attitude that you are too tired to control your actions. That is a false statement. You are in control and CAN DO THIS. I lv u
8:31 amAudiStop saying lv u k
8:31 amMeNope I will not ever. I do lv u!
8:32 amAudiStop I mean it its all your fault
At this point I was at my weekly BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). I turned my phone off and went to BSF.
When I was able to turn my phone on this is what I found:
9:41 am AudiSorry mom
10:01 amAudiSorry mom
10:03 amAudiI was mad at me not you
11:19 amMeI lv u
11:22 amMeIts ok I will send your verse soon just got out of bible study : )
11:22 amAudiAlright : )
WOW! What a change totally an answer to prayer! She is taking responsibility! I am so proud of her!
Praise God for his work in our family.
No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him1st Corinthians 12:9
Last week I was in a sort of learning mode regarding the eating disorder that has controlled my precious daughter for the last 4+ years...silently until recently. I had also been in contact with my dear, giving sister-in-law who had recommended I be sure to spend quality time with our heavenly Father...praying for my daughter. She suggested I only read information that would put "positive" things in my heart. I have had really negative self-talk for as long as I can remember.
At the bookstore last week I was reading in one of the books on eating disorders and was so shaken and sick to my stomach, I was in tears before I was able to get to my car. I believe the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I have been emotionally/verbally abusing my precious daughter. There was a list of about 10 items that indicate the emotional/verbal abuse. I have done nearly all of those to my child at one time or another. I now know why we have the relationship we have and the damage I have caused. Do not feel sad for me and this guilt. It is no longer guilt, now I CAN and WILL change this behavior...THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than any amount of weight I could possibly want to lose! I have apologized repeatedly to Audrey, but she says I have done thisw so many times, she doesn't believe me...I understand and know that I now much prove this behavior to her in order for her trust me.
I have established a personal relationship with my heavenly Father and believe He is working very hard to heal my daughter for this eating disorder as well as heal our entire family of the emotional baggage we are carrying! Each morning this week I have sent Audrey a special bible verse via text to carry her through the day. I am learning so much about myself through all of this.
When Audrey and I had arguments before this new commitment to my Lord, I used to talk to myself the entire day she doesnt love you, she will leave you when she is old enough, her birthparents would have been better parents for her, the list of ugliness I spoke into my heart goes on and on. I have been able to control this ugliness through asking my Lord to ban satan from my mind and my being!there have been brief moments when I could feel the negative self talk welling up and again I would call on my Lord He has carried me everytime! I even talked to Audrey about the negative self talk tonight and she understood because she does it too, we both have to work on this.
Last night was our night to go to the Wellness Clinic.
FirstDietician: Audrey had not logged her meals like she should have. She needs to be getting 1600 calories before she will be permitted to exercise. She is 6 lbs overweight and stressing about this, but when she is not eating enough to keep her body functioning, she cannot exercise. Dietician told Audrey she wants her to be healthy about eating before she tries to get healthy through exercise. She does not want her to think of exercise as a way of burning what she eats .THIS HIT ME HARD! Audrey even looked at me because I am very guilty of doing this. I know I have eating issues but never thought about this as a concern I can be so obsessive though for example Sunday night we made homemade pizza I ate 3 pcs so I was over my calories for the day by 600+. I was so upset with myself that I went to bed early; couldnt sleep, so I got up and got on the treadmill for 90 minutes it wasnt for my healthy lifestyle it was simply to BURN those pizza calories! This is an eating disorder behavior! Audrey and I are learning together and getting healthy together praise God!
NextFamily Therapy: Audrey had come up with goals for how to accomplish some of the things her Dad and I find difficult to get her to achieve like getting up and getting to school on time. It was agreed that instead of 8:00 being the time she must be in the car she could be in the car at 8:05. At 8:06 her cell phone would be put on parental controls and she would not be allowed to text or rec. texts. Wed/today would be the first day to put this in action. She had a few other thing we went over but this was the biggest issue.
LastBody Image Class: She is in class with one other girl who is recovering from anorexia. She is much thinner than Audrey and thinks she is FAT/FAT/FAT she says this. Audrey said after this class last night she realizes she does not see herself like other people see her. She also said it was very helpful.
I am so thankful we are able to get this sort of help for her---for all of us really!
This morning was the test of the 8:05 departure time for school. I wont go into the details except to say she got in the car at 8:12 and begged for me not to turn her phone off for many reasons. All of them were things she could have controlled I was patient as I explained this to her. I told her on the way to school, and before we left the house you are probably going to be tardy too NOT GOOD, NOT MY PROBLEM! I should have kept my mouth shut I wasnt ugly when I said it but should not have said it, it is her responsibility, she knows what she has to do, I do not need to discuss concequences that will happen due to school rules she has to take the responsibility for this instead of hearing me nag. Following is the texts that we exchanged after she was dropped at school:
8:26 am AudiThanks for never listening to me
8:30 amMeI heard you. You did not keep your part of the commitment.. the agreement was 8:05 you got in the car after 8 10 with an attitude that you are too tired to control your actions. That is a false statement. You are in control and CAN DO THIS. I lv u
8:31 amAudiStop saying lv u k
8:31 amMeNope I will not ever. I do lv u!
8:32 amAudiStop I mean it its all your fault
At this point I was at my weekly BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). I turned my phone off and went to BSF.
When I was able to turn my phone on this is what I found:
9:41 am AudiSorry mom
10:01 amAudiSorry mom
10:03 amAudiI was mad at me not you
11:19 amMeI lv u
11:22 amMeIts ok I will send your verse soon just got out of bible study : )
11:22 amAudiAlright : )
WOW! What a change totally an answer to prayer! She is taking responsibility! I am so proud of her!
Praise God for his work in our family.
No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him1st Corinthians 12:9
10 comments so far.
10.
a decade ago
I am proud of you both. You are doing something some seldom do, you are following through on your words. I know it must be hard at times because you just want to make it "right" so she will stop with all the eating disorder problems but I hope you know that you ARE making it "right" by letting her know that although you will not let her control you through her ED, you will love her and try your very best to help her because you want her to love herself just as you do. Blessings to you all~
by JAXS
9.
a decade ago
It sounds like you two are both learning some skills and tools to get through this. I commend you for making your family your priority. That's the way it should be and it's hard to do that all the time.
by KIMKOC
8.
a decade ago
thank you for your supportive remarks on my blog
:love: it sounds like you and audrey are dealing with some very difficult issues. i don't know if it is appropriate for me to insert my own experience here, but i actually had an eating disorder when i was audrey's age too. with your loving support, and a little time and the healing that comes with growing up, things will get easier. it is so frightening when it feels like this might be forever. wishing you peace today and this weekend.
by NEIMANMARXIST
7.
a decade ago
by JUSTPATTI
6.
a decade ago
by BUN201
5.
a decade ago
I would have volunteered for the home makeover if I'd understood more sooner. The Chritian radio station had been saying that a home in our area would be selected, and then the day before it started, I heard them give a website to volunteer for numerous things. Up until then, I thought they only wanted skilled workers (construction type people). It would have been fun. ..... Have a great day!
:kiss:
by DEEANN
4.
a decade ago
A friend of mine likes to remind me "He's bringing it up so you can work it out" How encouraging to know there is purpose in living through frustration and pain. Good for you for seeing yourself and not just your daughter in those meetings. You are taking the plank out of your own eye -- which feels so much better than hearing about it from someone else! Way to go! My daughter sent me a flair on Facebook that says "tell others about Christ -- when necessary, USE WORDS". The implication is that how you live speaks louder. Don't worry so much about the words in the past, focus on living your faith now. Remember, forgiveness means our sins are as far from us as the east is from the west!
:laugh5:
I love being encouraged by you, and I'm excited about what you are allowing God to do in your life!
Sheriann
by SJALBERT
3.
a decade ago
*wraps you up in a tight hug * If you only knew how amazing you are to me , my dear sweet Vicki. You are a woman of courage, compassion and committment. You are contending with circumstances that ARE in your control and by doing so you are demonstrating that your faith is your cornerstone and your love is abundant. Each day is a clean slate for you and Audrey - what an amazing thing to see. I commend you for your resolve - and love you more each day for the beautiful woman you are .
by EMERALDROSE
2.
a decade ago
by DEEANN
1.
a decade ago
Thanks for your blog comments and for identifying with me. I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are dealing with this! I know it's little comfort, but you are and have been doing the best that you can and the best that you knew how. Beating yourself up about the past will not help, though it sounds like your reflections are shedding some important insights. We have an ED recovery group on CK that you might find interesting--it hasn't been active recently, but it's a good resource and the old threads are useful, too. When I was in high school, my sister was hospitalized with anorexia for 2 months, so I have experience of this on both sides, myself. I'm really glad and excited that you are learning to work through these ED issues with your daughter and to come closer through the process. And you are both getting help and support, which is amazing! Hang in there!
by BREADANDROSES