I feel weird... and a little off skelter for some reason. I was fine all day long until I came home about 8 and put the groceries away and sat on the couch. I feel like this weird butterfly feeling in my chest and throat but it is ever so faint. My mind is going a million miles per minute about all that I need to do, all that I want to do and that I have to do. I feel a little scared too. What could this be? I know I feel a little overwhelmed sometimes when I get paid. I often think- just got paid who do I owe? Do I have enough? How will I manage it this time around? Well I screw up as usual? Should I or will I pay my tithes? Will God be mad at me if I don't? Is it really truly necessary? Does God care about your debt and bills and your livelihood? I'm I just plain ole selfish?

I feel selfish... so I sorta tithe out of guilt. I sometimes feel really really good about it and then other times I am just not so sure. I feel like- hmmm, I got so much to do. Christmas is around the corner and I do have quite a bit of bills and debt that I want to clear up. My husband has to get a new car and although we found a good deal ($3500 broken into 12 monthly payments)- it's still another bill to add in. But my husband's breaks don't work well on his car amongst a million other problems and overrall its just time for a new car. Income wise, I make enough and my husband income definitely helps a lot too. But it always seems like there isn't enough. When I analyze my budget and expenses- I overspend a lot in the miscellaneous category. Picking up a new mop, or cleaning supplies unaccounted for, forgetting my lunch and needing to eat out, dinner isn't prepared so we go out to eat etc. etc. Each time I want to get it right but it just doesn't seem to ever happen.

I bought and listened to Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. He makes a lot of sense but applying the principles always seem harder. He says a budget isn't an end all- its a guide for the month for your money. But I am an perfectionist- but an unorganized perfectionist. You know- the kind that doesn't suppose to exist? If I can't do something perfectly I am apprehensive about even trying or starting. If I can't finish something completely I don't do it all. If I am not sure what to do or where to begin... I don't begin.

I've known this pretty much all my life. Never seemed to overcome it. I was told it was part of being a Virgo. Then I have been told some other things as well. But I hate it and I wish I could fix it. My chaos has started to overwhelm me a bit as I get older.

I am off track with losing weight too. The last few days I have recorded my food but I can't seem to stop eating "stuff". Sometimes it gets like this the two weeks prior to my cycle (yeah a WHOLE two weeks). I nibble on this and that, really thirst but I want sugary drinks and a Mt. Dew really bad. This is different and separate from my previous blog. But did I perhaps set off some cravings or triggers? I was eating a lot of fruit and now i haven't had any for a few days and I was drinking my water too without a problem but I don't want it. I have been tired...maybe that's it and really overwhelmed... hopefully the weekend will get me back on track.