Finally.
I feel at peace tonight. Not sure if it is the Xanax that the doctor prescribed or not. I took one yesterday... I didn't take one... yet... tonight. Perhaps it has a long lasting effect so it trickled over into today. If that is the case then I will take it.

I feel like I have always been stressed out or that I suffer from panick attacks. But I have been treated from everything from depression to even being bi-polar. None of the meds ever did anything for me nor did the counseling. I felt like the counseling was just 15 minutes of me unloading my life to a stranger with no resolve. I would always get a pat on the back for how strong I was and how self evaluating I was but no real solution- expect for take your meds, the one thing I couldn't seem to commit to.

So me and my hubby thought things over and he said that he notices that when stuff gets going I panick and it takes SO MUCH to calm me down. He actually suggested calling the doctor and explaining to him what we had noticed over the years. He gave me a 30 day supply of Xanax and I must admit for the first time ever I do feel a bit calmer about things. I don't feel anxious about anything that needs to be done and I don't feel like I have wasted my day away and didn't get "enough" done like I normally do. I actually even feel like I can go to bed right now and its okay.

Normally I would be trying to fit in "one more thing" that "NEEDS" to be done. I constantly feel like I haven't gotten something done but I be so tired and overwhelmed from the previous day that I still don't accomplish anything. Everyday I wake up feeling exhausted from the previous day-- mentally and physically.

so i feel a bit guilty that I have meds to deal with anxiety... but if it helps... I'll take it.

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Today I stayed under 1700 calories and I was kind of surprised because my lunch was the greatest nor was my dinner. I guess lunch was semi-okay. But I was trying to figure out how did I manage to stay under my calories?? Then, BAM! I figured it out... I didn't have anything to drink today... not one single sip of tea or mt. dew and it saved me calories for real food I suppose.
I know I shouldn't drink so many sweetened drinks but its one of those things that are hard to let go of. I am going to have to get back into the habit of drinking water with my meals and crystal light. I am glad that I finally was under my calories today. Especially with it being that time of month.

Well.. its 10 p.m. and for the first time in ages... I am actually going to bed. Screw CSI...its not that important. I have accomplished one major thing today. I balanced my checkbook and my redid my budget. I feel good... screw anything that didnt get done today... Lord willing...tomorrow will come.