KLPEARSO's Story
Hi, my name is Karen and I would like to explain how I got here in the first place and why I have very low self esteem and little self worth. When I was growing up, my mom did the best she knew how. I know where my anger, hurt feelings and low self esteem comes from. Its a lot of things just compounded one right after another and on top of each other. Even though I went to counseling, I never fully recovered from many incidents in my life.
The only real healthy relationship I had was with Michael (second true love of my life). I never recovered from losing him. I have to say that deep down inside I still love Michael. Why? I dont know. I started the relationship with David Kilgore (1st husband) to cover up the hurt from Michael hoping that someone else could ease the pain. Didnt happen, it actually got worse with all the physical and mental abuse I sustained from him (I left him after 18 months of hell and substantial weight gain 100 lbs). Then I met John Clark (2nd husband) and again, another bad relationship for all the wrong reasons. He was ex-military, had a very cold heart, abused me sexually as well as cheated on me many, many times. During this whole time, all I was searching for, wanted and needed was to be loved and accepted for who I was. When I dated in between relationships, it was one bad experience after another instead of taking the time for healing myself, still looking for someone to cover up all the hurt and somehow try to make myself feel better about myself. Then I met Ron (3rd husband) in 2004 and I thought I had found my soul mate and what I was looking for in Ron. We connected on every level at first, he was interested in what I was doing, what I had to say and seemed to think I was beautiful and sexy just as I was and even was a Christian (still claims to be).
I love my Mom very much. I always have and I always will. But my whole life, all she has ever done is try to tell me what to do, what I should of done better and criticized me. Granted, I know all she was trying to do was help, but it left me thinking that she had no confidence in my decisions, abilities or in me period. Then theres David (my brother). I think he has hurt me the most over the years, without really knowing it. He too has always tried to tell me what to do (always with good intentions in mind). Again, made me think, Wow, even my brother has no confidence in my decisions or abilities and I'm older. When he shunned me when I was pregnant with Spencer, that alone destroyed my self worth. I actually believed that I wasnt worth anything because I got pregnant out of wedlock. So from that point on, it was just a down hill spiral that I never recuperated from. Spencer is my son from my relationship with Michael.
My mom has had several marriages as well. My real father had a gambling problem and that's why she left and divorced him. My 1st step father was a real charmer let me tell you. Certainly not a role moldel. He struggle with drug and alcohol abuse, used to punish my brother and me by whipping us with an arrow, was never really there for us and he cheated on my Mom, numerous times. She was with my step dad for about 20 years. My mom finally married her 3rd husband when I was an adult, who is a man of God and I absolutely adore. He is always there when I need him to be.
I also had an incident that I have kept a secret until recently. I never said anything because 1) I was so scared and 2) I never thought my family would believe me. And actually, I have only recently discovered this memory through prayer with the counseling Im going through. As a child, I would say around 12 or 13, my Uncle Bob molested me when he was living with our family in Spokane. This incident started the self worth and self esteem issue. I havent forgiven him yet, but Im starting the healing process. My family knows now and have been accepting of the truth.
In between all of this ciaos, Ive had many bouts of pre-cancer and struggled with staying healthy. I finally lost the battle in 2003 and to undergo chemotherapy for 9 weeks. When that was done, it seemed to have gone into remission. During my check up the following year, it was discovered that cancer had returned and with a vengeance this time. I had ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer. After many discussions with Ron on our options, we decided that my best bet was just having surgery (complete hysterectomy). As of today, I am cancer free and keep a close watch on that. I'm also a diabetic and have high blood pressure.
My issues with Ron are not just about me though. Because of my torrid past and it resurfacing, he seems to think that Im the one with all the issues, brought them into our marriage and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I just want to mention here that he has issues of his own, sex is a huge priority to him and hes very selfish. He wants to just wait until Im finished with counseling, then thinks that Ill just give him whatever he wants and well be happy. Thats not true and I cant seem to get him to understand that part of our marriage problem is sex and his priority put on sex. Hes inconsiderate of my feelings and what I want, how I want it and how often. Ive taken responsibility for my part and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it to me but with a very condensing yeah.
I have such a long ways to go with so much baggage to clean out. At this point in my, all I want is to be happy and healthy. Im tired of my life being in constant terminal or being sick. This is one of the reasons Ive decided to put my foot down, stand up for what I believe in and not be a door mat for anyone to step on. I love Ron very much and I want our marriage to work but I cant work on my stuff if Ron doesnt. Itll never work. I pray that he will, so that we can meet somewhere in the middle and develop a happy relationship. I want to continue counseling and continue to get healthy mentally for myself. To me that is my most important task. Once that is complete, Im hoping that my drive to get physically healthy will improve drastically. I havent been happy in a very long time (probably 20 plus years) and Im finally pursuing happiness by doing things that make me feel good, and by developing a solid relationship with God and Jesus. Only with them, can I beat this, heal inside and out, and finally, be happy with me.
The only real healthy relationship I had was with Michael (second true love of my life). I never recovered from losing him. I have to say that deep down inside I still love Michael. Why? I dont know. I started the relationship with David Kilgore (1st husband) to cover up the hurt from Michael hoping that someone else could ease the pain. Didnt happen, it actually got worse with all the physical and mental abuse I sustained from him (I left him after 18 months of hell and substantial weight gain 100 lbs). Then I met John Clark (2nd husband) and again, another bad relationship for all the wrong reasons. He was ex-military, had a very cold heart, abused me sexually as well as cheated on me many, many times. During this whole time, all I was searching for, wanted and needed was to be loved and accepted for who I was. When I dated in between relationships, it was one bad experience after another instead of taking the time for healing myself, still looking for someone to cover up all the hurt and somehow try to make myself feel better about myself. Then I met Ron (3rd husband) in 2004 and I thought I had found my soul mate and what I was looking for in Ron. We connected on every level at first, he was interested in what I was doing, what I had to say and seemed to think I was beautiful and sexy just as I was and even was a Christian (still claims to be).
I love my Mom very much. I always have and I always will. But my whole life, all she has ever done is try to tell me what to do, what I should of done better and criticized me. Granted, I know all she was trying to do was help, but it left me thinking that she had no confidence in my decisions, abilities or in me period. Then theres David (my brother). I think he has hurt me the most over the years, without really knowing it. He too has always tried to tell me what to do (always with good intentions in mind). Again, made me think, Wow, even my brother has no confidence in my decisions or abilities and I'm older. When he shunned me when I was pregnant with Spencer, that alone destroyed my self worth. I actually believed that I wasnt worth anything because I got pregnant out of wedlock. So from that point on, it was just a down hill spiral that I never recuperated from. Spencer is my son from my relationship with Michael.
My mom has had several marriages as well. My real father had a gambling problem and that's why she left and divorced him. My 1st step father was a real charmer let me tell you. Certainly not a role moldel. He struggle with drug and alcohol abuse, used to punish my brother and me by whipping us with an arrow, was never really there for us and he cheated on my Mom, numerous times. She was with my step dad for about 20 years. My mom finally married her 3rd husband when I was an adult, who is a man of God and I absolutely adore. He is always there when I need him to be.
I also had an incident that I have kept a secret until recently. I never said anything because 1) I was so scared and 2) I never thought my family would believe me. And actually, I have only recently discovered this memory through prayer with the counseling Im going through. As a child, I would say around 12 or 13, my Uncle Bob molested me when he was living with our family in Spokane. This incident started the self worth and self esteem issue. I havent forgiven him yet, but Im starting the healing process. My family knows now and have been accepting of the truth.
In between all of this ciaos, Ive had many bouts of pre-cancer and struggled with staying healthy. I finally lost the battle in 2003 and to undergo chemotherapy for 9 weeks. When that was done, it seemed to have gone into remission. During my check up the following year, it was discovered that cancer had returned and with a vengeance this time. I had ovarian, uterine and cervical cancer. After many discussions with Ron on our options, we decided that my best bet was just having surgery (complete hysterectomy). As of today, I am cancer free and keep a close watch on that. I'm also a diabetic and have high blood pressure.
My issues with Ron are not just about me though. Because of my torrid past and it resurfacing, he seems to think that Im the one with all the issues, brought them into our marriage and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. I just want to mention here that he has issues of his own, sex is a huge priority to him and hes very selfish. He wants to just wait until Im finished with counseling, then thinks that Ill just give him whatever he wants and well be happy. Thats not true and I cant seem to get him to understand that part of our marriage problem is sex and his priority put on sex. Hes inconsiderate of my feelings and what I want, how I want it and how often. Ive taken responsibility for my part and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it to me but with a very condensing yeah.
I have such a long ways to go with so much baggage to clean out. At this point in my, all I want is to be happy and healthy. Im tired of my life being in constant terminal or being sick. This is one of the reasons Ive decided to put my foot down, stand up for what I believe in and not be a door mat for anyone to step on. I love Ron very much and I want our marriage to work but I cant work on my stuff if Ron doesnt. Itll never work. I pray that he will, so that we can meet somewhere in the middle and develop a happy relationship. I want to continue counseling and continue to get healthy mentally for myself. To me that is my most important task. Once that is complete, Im hoping that my drive to get physically healthy will improve drastically. I havent been happy in a very long time (probably 20 plus years) and Im finally pursuing happiness by doing things that make me feel good, and by developing a solid relationship with God and Jesus. Only with them, can I beat this, heal inside and out, and finally, be happy with me.