I feel embarrassment, humiliation,failure.
Underneath that I feel... Anger.

Before I started this diet I had spent almost 3 months locked in a very unhealthy pattern. I would eat reasonably well all day, but not exercise, and at the end of the day I would have a drink and/or get stoned and eat. I would do this after I'd had dinner. I would buy candy and sunflower seeds and frozen treats. I would stock up on chips and pretzels and chocolate. I was not hungry. But I would spend all day thinking about how I was going to get to "veg" out at night. I call it "leaving the planet." That 3 month binge started just after my last attempt to loose weight. That time too, my husband joined in to "lose weight with me!" And he lost so much weight, so fast and he was so proud of himself. Every day he would push me to get on the Wii, get on the Wii, but when I would get on the Wii there was his character on there , all skinny next to my OBESE character. It was depressing. And it certainly raised my glucose levels.

I did not admit this to my doctor. I told her I "over eat" I "eat the wrong things" I am depressed. While those things are certainly TRUE they were a way of avoiding the issue. Somehow I keep it to myself because I thought I would be able to control it. I still feel I can control it, but I think I have to get control other things that trigger the binges.

Long before I discovered how wonderfully pot took my depression, anxiety, and headaches away, I was spending my evenings much the same way, but with alcohol giving me the "OK" to binge. It was about quantity. A huge bowl of buttered popcorn - an entire bag of potato chips with dip - ice cream, cereal straight out of the box. Those days I would stuff my stomach so full it was aching.

Smoking pot instead of having a drink at night changed the pattern. It made me calm and happy, not more depressed - but like the alcohol it gave me "permission" to binge. When high - I found myself still drawn to quantity of food, but more along the lines of "I want to know if I like the taste of this there will be enough of it so I don't have to stop tasting it for hours." Candy - assorted flavors fit the bill nicely. I could smoke - then suck one flavor after another for hours. Immobile except for getting up from my comfy chair for more of whatever.

"Leaving the planet" is not just what I wanted every night (still want) but my husband finds it a relief for me to be calmly enjoying myself while he plays with his friends online late into the night. I have aggravated depression. When my normal meds aren't enough I have anxiety meds. But I hate to take them. I prefer to get stoned. I'm assuming it has something to do with one giving in to my need to binge while the other just makes me sleepy.

My husband tosses me foods at night he knows I should not be eating. Until last night - I'd been able to just not eat the sleeve of Oreos or the candy, or the chips. Sometimes I sip the drink he might make up for me, but not drink all of it. Last night he tossed me a second bag of chips (I'd eaten the first) and proceeded to lecture me on how I had it in my mind I was going to get to the point where I had a flat stomach and a tight body, but how that was not going to happen. He said, "this is who you are and who you've always been. Just eat! I love you just as you are now."

Wait, I'll never reach my goal?
Is he sure because he's psychic or because he's going to keep tossing food in my path?

Yesterday, he'd spent the day telling me how much more weight he'd lost than me - and in less time. He'd done it while drinking beer and eating whatever. He'd shown me how tight his stomach is getting. He'd promised he would not do these things this time, but he is. I have to accept it. This is who HE'S always been- my enabler. A part of him is much more comfortable with me getting stoned, or drinking at night and then eating and eating and eating. I stay overweight. And no matter what size or shape he is, he is always in better shape than me. "Its just how women are built! It's just your body type! It's in your genes!"

No - it's not.