PRNCSSGRL's CalorieKing blog
Tuesday, Aug 31 2010 - Getting rid of the est(s) and embracing the er(s)
View PRNCSSGRL's food & exercise for this day
Most days I am afraid to try.
I am afraid to try because I want to be the best at everything. I am an overachiever. Anyone that has lived as a fat person knows what Im talking about. Fat is our one failure that we can never seem to shed. So we over compensate by either being the smartest student, the hardest worker, the funniest person or the one that will drop everything at any given time and be there to lend a helping hand. We think by being the best at something (or everything) it will hide what were really feeling: I am a failure at everything because I am fat.
I tried in the past to let go of the fat but I forgot about letting go of the most important part the est(s). If I couldnt be the thinnEST, the fastEST, the strongEST, the fittEST then there was no point. I used to walk around aimlessly looking at other people and thinking oh look at him, he looks so strong. Ill never be that strong (insert food into pie hole) or look at her, Ill never be that thin (insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft) or look at that runner, Ill never be that fast (insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft AND sink deeper into my depression).
As a morbidly obese person I was so focused on what I wasnt doing.
Being the bEST.
That I didnt see what I was doing.
Being bettER.
Stop looking around you and seeing what everyone else is doing. You dont know their history. You dont know their demons. You dont know what brought them to where they are today. There is only one person you need to be better than and thats the you that youre leaving behind.
I may never be as fast as her...
but
I am getting faster!
I may never be as strong as her...
but
I am getting strongER (185 pounds deadlift!)
and
strongER (500 pound leg press!)
I may never be as thin as her...
but
instead of looking like this (263 pounds)
I look like this (183 pounds).
Its hard to come to the realization that I cant be the bEST at something. I dont know how to not look at that as complete failure. I wont lie to you, I struggle every day thinking about how I let myself go for so long. How for so many years I was complacent in my life. Weighing close to 270 pounds was okay for me because why think any different if I cant be thinnEST. Not being able to walk up a flight of stairs was okay for me because why think any different if I cant run the fastEST. Not getting my heart pumping and my muscles moving was okay for me because why think any different if I cant be the strongEST.
Talk about a f*cked up way of thinking.
I was afraid to stand up and take control of my life because I was looking at what other people were doing and comparing myself to them before I even started. Its true, Ill never be the fastEST, or the fittEST, or the strongEST or even the thinnEST. Today and for the rest of my life I will struggle to let go of the est(s) and begin to embrace the er(s) because there is only one person I need to be better than
And it's me. (September 2009)
August 31st 2010 (and getting happiER every day)
I am afraid to try because I want to be the best at everything. I am an overachiever. Anyone that has lived as a fat person knows what Im talking about. Fat is our one failure that we can never seem to shed. So we over compensate by either being the smartest student, the hardest worker, the funniest person or the one that will drop everything at any given time and be there to lend a helping hand. We think by being the best at something (or everything) it will hide what were really feeling: I am a failure at everything because I am fat.
I tried in the past to let go of the fat but I forgot about letting go of the most important part the est(s). If I couldnt be the thinnEST, the fastEST, the strongEST, the fittEST then there was no point. I used to walk around aimlessly looking at other people and thinking oh look at him, he looks so strong. Ill never be that strong (insert food into pie hole) or look at her, Ill never be that thin (insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft) or look at that runner, Ill never be that fast (insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft AND sink deeper into my depression).
As a morbidly obese person I was so focused on what I wasnt doing.
Being the bEST.
That I didnt see what I was doing.
Being bettER.
Stop looking around you and seeing what everyone else is doing. You dont know their history. You dont know their demons. You dont know what brought them to where they are today. There is only one person you need to be better than and thats the you that youre leaving behind.
I may never be as fast as her...
but
I am getting faster!
I may never be as strong as her...
but
I am getting strongER (185 pounds deadlift!)
and
strongER (500 pound leg press!)
I may never be as thin as her...
but
instead of looking like this (263 pounds)
I look like this (183 pounds).
Its hard to come to the realization that I cant be the bEST at something. I dont know how to not look at that as complete failure. I wont lie to you, I struggle every day thinking about how I let myself go for so long. How for so many years I was complacent in my life. Weighing close to 270 pounds was okay for me because why think any different if I cant be thinnEST. Not being able to walk up a flight of stairs was okay for me because why think any different if I cant run the fastEST. Not getting my heart pumping and my muscles moving was okay for me because why think any different if I cant be the strongEST.
Talk about a f*cked up way of thinking.
I was afraid to stand up and take control of my life because I was looking at what other people were doing and comparing myself to them before I even started. Its true, Ill never be the fastEST, or the fittEST, or the strongEST or even the thinnEST. Today and for the rest of my life I will struggle to let go of the est(s) and begin to embrace the er(s) because there is only one person I need to be better than
And it's me. (September 2009)
August 31st 2010 (and getting happiER every day)
13 comments so far.
13.
a decade ago
Wow. How can you touch my heart with EVERY blog? You are amazing!! I look at your last two pictures and the transformation is incredible. I look at the first one and I see your beautiful smile, incredible eyes, and perfect nose. In the second one I see all those things, but also a glow and a wisdom.
by MUDDYMAMA
12.
a decade ago
That last pic is absolutely amazing and priceless.
You know that means you can deadlift Aliza!
by HAPPYNSWEET77CHI
11.
a decade ago
Tara, you look fantastic! And one of the things that always gets me about reading your blog, is that you are the "honestest" you can be with yourself, and with us. Thanks for giving us the goal of being "honestER" with ourselves on our LCJ
by VANRIPED
10.
a decade ago
You look very pretty in the last photo
by BDEMOTT
9.
a decade ago
You are so encouraging, and a wonderful example of determination and perseverance. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt blog.
Oh, and you look G.O.O.D.!!
by MENOKEO
8.
a decade ago
I like the happy sparkle in your eyes in the last picture.
:talking:
:queen:
Sally1
by SALLY1
7.
a decade ago
You are an amazing inspiration! I love reading your blogs.
by CANDACEPH
6.
a decade ago
Wow Tara, this blog struck a cord with me. For the past 4 months I have been fighting with myself to be the thinnest, fittest person I could be. I've been telling myself I was doing it for me, but I have also in a way been doing it to prove a point. Kind of an *I'll show you* attitude. Not the best course of action, I admit. I think I need to stop and do a re-evaluation on why I'm doing this.
by THORNEAPPLE
5.
a decade ago
Great post. You absolutely nailed it. We're hardest on ourselves and we have to get past that. Your transformation is an inspiration. Thanks for setting the example!
by KRIS319
4.
a decade ago
I love your dimple in the last picture.
by LYNNABEL
3.
a decade ago
What an incredible blog! It is a hard job to let go of the EST! Thank you for always posting your true feelings and reminding me that I am not in this alone!
:kiss:
by MRSDSB
2.
a decade ago
Congratulations! You were always beautiful, you look healthier, happier and glowing. Yeah, I wish everyone would stop focusing so much on numbers. Being active is a blessing. Yet its a journey one has to find for themselves only. When I'm out there lifting, running, swimming, belly dancing, I relish in it, not focusing on the numbers, just having a great time, because it truly is a blessing that can be taken away at any given moment.<BR><BR>Sending you lotsa love,<BR>Aliza
by PAPERBACKNOVEL
1.
a decade ago
Thank you once again Tara. I started Boot Camp in June of this year. My biggEST fear going in was that I would be the most out of shape, slowEST person in the group. And I was. But there was lesson in there for me and that lesson was "You can survive being last but you cannot survive never starting." At the end of 8 weeks, I was still last but I was the most improved! This go round, Im no longer last but you can bet your ass I'm the biggest cheerleader for the one who is! All we can ever ask of ourselves is to strive to be better today than we were yesterday and I appreciate the reminder.
by WILDHARE