I often wonder where the line is drawn between recovered, in recovery, and eating disordered. Recovered is a little more clear cut to me. I know I’m not there. But the other two I find myself contemplating…a lot. Does it really matter? Probably not. But still I wonder, am I in my eating disorder, or am I in recovery, or better yet, “working on” recovery?

I do believe ignorance is bliss. Before I entered treatment or started therapy I didn’t talk to anyone about my eating disorder. People approached me about it, but I always denied it was a problem, told them they were over-reacting, whatever. I was embarrassed by my actions (hence not telling anybody) but I didn’t really feel bad about it because I didn’t know how to live otherwise. Then I started seeing a therapist. I wanted help. And that’s when the guilt started. How do you justify paying someone to help you stop, while you still go about doing the things you know are wrong. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt because I’m wasting money, guilt because I should know better, guilt because I’m disappointing other people.

Because I’m seeing a therapist, dietitian, going to groups and whatnot, I claim to be “recovering.” I mostly want recovery, otherwise I wouldn’t waste my money. But so many of my actions are still the same as they were ten years ago. What do you call it then? Is it a relapse? I have trouble with the word Relapse because that implies that I got rid of those behaviors to begin with. How do you relapse from something that was never gone? But I can’t still be IN my eating disorder if I’m actively seeking treatment for it, can I? I feel like I’m not allowed to still be struggling because I should know better by now. At one time I didn’t have the tools, now I do. So what’s my excuse now? Fear? I guess it’s time to feel the fear and do it anyway.