“Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.” ~ ~ Tony Robbins

Yesterday should have been trainer Thursday but Elle was away, she gave me instructions on what to do and I did them…well most of it anyway. She had added two new exercises into the routine. I struggled immensely with the suggested weight, so I scaled them back until I could complete the required sets but still having to HONESTLY push myself to do so and I just didn’t have anything left in me to complete the floor exercises.

My first mistake was thinking “I got this”. I arrived at the gym 1 ½ hrs later than usual because I didn’t have Elle waiting for me and I was feeling like I needed to eat first, so I had a small meal and then let it digest while I cleaned up the kitchen and then got dressed for the gym. I was also behind on calories because I didn’t pack a lunch, planning to get a salad out (what a mistake that was) and I was already a bit tired. I did my 10 minutes of cardio and 10 minutes of fat burn on the stationary bike then moved onto the list, watching my form and minimal rest in between sets and by the time I got to the floor exercises for the stretching and abdominal work I had burned 884 calories, was exhausted and knew I still had to walk home…so I cut it short and will have to finish the ab work tonight or over the weekend and then tell her. I feel a little guilty, I feel like I quit, I’m not a quitter by nature, I can justify it but yet I still feel like I let Elle and myself down.

Once home I went right into the shower, then logged my workout, my net calories were now only 465 so I knew I had to eat. I hate eating back calories but I did it anyway, I could feel my blood sugar dropping (I’m hypoglycemic) and I began to shake really bad, I looked for something quick, microwaveable, that had protein and carbs…I ate an Amy’s 310 calorie organic bean, rice and cheese burrito and a glass of skim milk, recorded and then ate more until I had ate my way back up to a safe 1200. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this eating back calories burned but last night I could tell it was absolutely necessary. In the end my sodium consumed was over 3,000 mg and WAY TOO HIGH! So I drank more water to flush it out bringing my water consumption to a whopping 120oz for the day. I must have slipped into a food coma because I woke up this morning on the couch with my tablet still on my lap.

Today and this weekend I will try to do better and to finish my ab work as promised…I know it’s not the same but I said I would do it and I have to or the guilt will eat at me…its how I’m wired.

So the person I want to become…hmmm…I’m a work in progress right now but I want to be confident, strong (physically & mentally), positive, patient, loving, caring, loyal, disciplined, empathetic, and giving. I am some of these things but I want to be all, a complete well rounded person, who doesn’t need acceptance or validation from anyone, because I will know who I am. So for today…this is who I have decided to become and I will work at it every day.

Happy Friday to all!