Honesty; what a powerful word, free from deception, truthful, marked by integrity, conscientious and honorable. I think by nature we are not even 100% honest with ourselves, I believe we all hold back a little or choose to ignore what we don’t want or are afraid to face. I also believe that we can only truly grow when we make the choice to be 100 % honest with ourselves and my journey is as much about personal growth as it is weight loss. To really change I must first take a good HARD look at what I’ve been hiding from…ME!

If you’ve read my previous blogs you know I went through this about 10 years ago, worked with a trainer, did CK. Then after being thrown into menopause( brought on by emergency surgery), an illness lasting 8 months, followed by several more months of HRT and steroid treatments, a six year pity party, then two years of idly waiting for some miracle to happen before I decided to take responsibility for my life, my health and my happiness.

I’m telling you all of this because for me it’s all about honesty and well, honestly, I’m terrified about going to the Gynecologist this afternoon. My little secret is I haven’t been in almost 7 years! I haven’t had a mammogram in 11 years and I have never had a bone density test either. This is especially bad because I didn’t have a full hysterectomy; they only removed my ovaries and tubes because I was only 34 at the time which puts me at a higher risk for uterine cancer – or so I’m told. I did the HRT for several years but in the end they made me overly emotional and I didn’t think it was worth torturing my husband and kids to avoid hot flashes.

When my mom had the stroke July, 13th 2013, my world changed and as I watched her suffer for months and I suffered as a daughter feeling helpless I swore I would do everything in my power to get healthy so my daughters and husband would not have to feel that way because of choices I was or wasn’t making. Mom was 83 and could run circles around me…I was just very unhealthy.

After Mom passed January 23, 2014 from complications due to a perforated stomach, which resulted in multiple surgeries, a septic infection and being on life support for a month, only gaining consciousness twice, me having to sign the DNR, I was by her bedside with my sisters when she passed. I decided this year is the year I will dedicate to getting healthy.

I am terrified that the Gynecologist will find something wrong because I have neglected myself for so long, almost as payback. I have been fortunate that the only real issue has been the sciatica, last year I lost 40lbs (before mom’s stroke) and that took care of the sleep apnea…thank goodness!!! My aunt has been fighting cancer of lung, colon (polyps), and uterine cancer cells and I just found out my oldest sister had the uterine cancer cells a few years ago too! I just feel like if I get a clean bill today then I really am on my way to a full healthy life. Every time I start trying to get healthy SOMETHING always happens and I know life happens but it’s usually something that prevents or delays me from moving forward, maybe because I let it…I don’t know. I’m sure I sound overly dramatic and I’m probably being a big chicken but I can’t help but wonder…could I really be so lucky to have ignored my health and body for 7 years and have minimal damage???

That is my truth…the good, the bad and the ugly. Wish me luck!

“We can pay people to clean our house, do our taxes, teach us piano, and fix broken bones, but nobody can do our inner work for us. Nobody. To truly take responsibility for ourselves, we must grow up psychologically and spiritually, so we can respond to life as mature and authentic men and women.”
~ ~ Mariana Caplan