I really try to be positive now but I have some lingering negative feelings I just need to express in order to move on so welcome to my pity party.

This was supposed to be the year, (my year) I dedicate to getting healthy. By all accounts I am working toward that goal; however, I am beyond frustrated with my medical situations and with myself for thinking I could neglect myself for so long and there not be any repercussions. After Mom passed I went to my MD for a physical, my cholesterol and sugar was borderline high but diet could easily fix this.

Because I was so busy traveling back and forth between states (3+ hours each way) when Mom first had the stroke last year, then 2 hours when she was moved into a nursing home\rehab center and then home I had neglected to go for my dental cleanings. This has since been addressed but I still have some work that needs to be completed.

I started back at the gym, training and the Chiropractor for an issue with pain in my lower back and left buttock. This is a sciatic nerve and possibly some spine degeneration. At first I responded to treatment very well but yesterday when I went to get up off the table my back seized up, went into spasms, I couldn’t move. Dr. Ted (my Chiro) had to help me up and put the stim on me again, this time sitting up. I guess I was in the right place at the right time. My back and sciatica puts limitations on my workouts. I’m an all or nothing kind of person so this is hard for me, plus in my mind I’m still 20 years younger and things like this snap me back into reality. Because of limitations I’m stuck on the stationary bike…the elliptical is where I want to be, where I’ve always had the best success but because standing for prolonged periods of time aggravate the sciatica I’m staying away.

Oh yes, the GYN because I didn’t go for 7 years, I’ve been asking myself why and I really don’t know. Maybe a small part of it was I was so fat I had trouble seeing myself naked let alone bearing my bottom and having my legs look like two ham shanks sitting in the stirrups…I know not a pretty picture but very ashamed. The rest was laziness and fear of finding something as more time passed. And so now the bone density test and mammogram for obvious reasons and of course not a big deal. But then the ultrasound to determine if my old GYN removed only my tubes and ovaries like he told my husband and me or a full hysterectomy like my new GYN thinks because she can’t feel my uterus or cervix (probably because they are old and shriveled up like raisins lol). And oh yes the colonoscopy because I had endometriosis 20 years ago and have since been diagnosed with IBS, apparently alot of us who had endometriosis are misdiagnosed and it could be growing in my colon causing the bowel infrequency and issues.

Let’s not forget the Ophthalmologist and Vitreo-Retinal Specialist I saw because I have a wrinkle in my retina…yes, a wrinkle and it’s called Macular Pucker. And my latest is a thinning of the lining with lattice degeneration. The great news is I’m not going blind…the bad news, because I am also near sighted in one eye and far sighted in the other, I now need bifocals. I now many people have them but this is new to me and just reinforces that I’m getting older. I know, waa…waa, boo-hoo, poor baby, suck it up and all that!
So let’s add this up shall we, the cost for my co-pays for all this so far is a whopping $1,265 and this doesn’t include the glasses; the lenses alone are another $400, or the remaining $1,000 of dental work I need done.

What the hell was I thinking! I did this all to myself, I’m just mad because now I have to take time off of work (I don’t have a lot of PTO left) for all these tests and follow up appointments, giving up any fun time off…my punishment I guess.


OK, so I’m done feeling sorry for myself…today I will spend time on my lunch trying to schedule all my appointments to happen within the next two weeks. This is me accepting the above, owning it, dealing with it and moving on from it.

DEEP breath in…and exhale out…release it to the universe…ah sigh.

My inspirations for today…

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them.” ~ ~ Dr. Denis Walley

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.” ~ ~ Jim Rohn

Happy Thursday!