Yesterday was harder than I thought, there is still much of my moms things in the house, things I thought my sisters would have taken by now. I don't mean that in a bad way, just mom loved her knick knacks and has some decorative wall plates (she thought would be valuable) and I'm just not a knick knack person, they both are.

I haven't been in the garage in probably 20 yrs. Having lived through the depression (mom and dad were born in 1925 & 1929) they both were pack rats, probably with hoarding tendencies so the garage had been packed for years with the contents of various family members belongings. My brother-in-law did a good job cleaning most of it out when we had the dumpster there in feb. I walked in the back door of the garage and was looking everywhere, just taking it all in, memories flooding my brain. I an emotional overload, at one point I turned and on my fathers workbench slightly cover in dust and cob webs were his work gloves (they still had the shape of his hands), they were lying in front of these old oil cans (like the kind they used in the wizard of oz for the tin man) the neck or spout was long and the tins having had oil on the outside were now covered in a thin layer of dust and it looked like he was coming back for them and I know he wasn't! I lost it!

I waited until the end of the night to go in, and I'm glad I did, the kids had a great time. I found myself standing at the kitchen window looking out into the back yard watching the kids hang and play with their friends as mom often did. She would give us our space but would be watchfully vigil at the window. At any given time I remember looking up at the window as a kid and seeing her smile and wave as she sipped her coffee. I felt her with me as stood there looking out upon the kids, remembering all the great times I had with my own friends in our back yard. Of course all the family times as well and the garden, the pool and omg all the animals they let us have. In the house were the pictures of mom, dad,on with the family and she always looked so happy. I don't ever remember mom not smiling, she was playful, funny, smart and quietly strong. I try to be strong like mom.

It was to much emotionally... I ate a small piece of cake! Actually I ate a slice of the outer wall of icing held together by a sliver of actual cake... I was going for the sugar. I did well with dinner, having a salad with pulled turkey breast and dressing with water (no soda) and was doing ok until I was standing by the cake putting it away. I was left alone with this cake... Why me??? Why not someone else??? I was actually getting anxiety looking at the cake and then my niece and sister came in and I did it... I took my piece. No one stopped me so I took it and ate it fast! So fast I didn't even enjoy it, then I felt weak, I felt like I had let myself, my family and my CK family down. I realized something I am a sugar addict. I don't particularly like food, but I love my sweets I even wrote a thing about chocolate cake in college for a creative writing assignment back in the day.

Today I had the grand baby and I did good, dinner was a little questionable, I made scallop scampi with whole grain linguini and a salad. No time to break down the calories per portion, I had almost 800 calories available for dinner so I should be ok...I hope. I didn't bother recording the dinner calories no real way to tell so I'm hoping this weekend didn't derail me to much. I also know this isn't the end of dealing with moms house and I have to find better, less self destructive ways to deal with the emotions. I know it could have been worse and thankful I thought ahead.

Weird how I actually looked forward to counting my calories today, like the routine was a constant in my life, predictability maybe...not sure but it was oddly comforting. So I need to make tomorrow better than today and Tuesday better than tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow it's reveal day...is there or isn't there a uterus and cervix?

"Don't look back, you know where you've been...watch the road ahead so you don't trip and fall"
~~ Unknown