I made it through Halloween with minimal damage! I had a few, ok more than a few fun size pieces of chocolate but I wAs VERY GOOD with my food for the day. Easter and Halloween are the most challenging of holidays for me because I'm a sweets person, more specifically a chocolate person, I LOVE CHOCOLATE!!!!

I'm becoming more aware of myself, my habits, my struggles, and my progress. I was looking at pictures last night of my daughter and I last night when she was pregnant and shortly after mom had the stroke; I was Huge! I was wearing shorts and I couldn't get over the size of my arms and legs. I can't believe I left the house dressed like that, there was actually a roll of fat hanging out of the bottom of the shorts. I don't mean to offend anyone, just for me personally, I've always been subconscious of my legs and for the majority of my plus size life refrained from shorts; to see me wearing them and knowing my areas of sensitivity, I realize I must have given up already at that moment in time. It made me a little sad, I could see the conflict in my face, the desire to be happy for my daughter but the fear and overwhelming feeling that as I welcomed and celebrated my first grandchild I was also loosing my mother and would be mourning her. As my grandchild grew, my daughter's pregnant belly getting bigger, I felt like the two were closing in on each other and it became difficult to enjoy what should have been a joyous milestone in our lives because of fear of loosing my Mom. Also, it seemed cruel that I was experiencing this and I couldn't talk to her about it, get words of wisdom from her and really share the experience with her because the stroke had left her paralyzed, bed ridden and unable to speak. It was such a hard time in my life and I made a constant daily effort to put on a brave face for my daughter and to allow my fears, my sorrow to take away any of her joy. She has never said anything to me about it, and I haven't to her, I can only hope I succeeded. She was born to be a mother and I want her to have enjoyed every minute of the pregnancy she never thought she would ever have had... Her dream came true and I want the experience to be everything she ever dreamed it to be.

I saw the pain and sadness in my eyes and I wore it on my body even though I was smiling. I don't know why it took me so long to get back to CK and to get healthy again, why it took me so long, why it took loosing my mom and realizing if I didn't change my lifestyle I would surely be subjecting my family to that pain earlier than necessary to change and show myself the love I showed my family. Why did it take loosing MOM to find love for myself again??? This year has been one of the hardest and yet one of huge personal growth I can remember. I'm discovering so much about myself, I set out to get physically healthy and I'm finding that also carries over to my emotional and mental health as well. I'm becoming more in tune with my self spiritually, more in touch with my inner self, the things that drive me, that shape who I am. I'm now on a journey of self discovery so deep and yet it was a happy accident, only setting out to loose weight to improve my physical health, I had no idea this weightloss marathon was actually a triathlon to my physical, emotional and mental well being.
I'm excited and curious to see how I look and feel at the end.

So I've been laying here since 5am, writing, listening to the sound of the rain drops fall in a rhythmic dance outside, it's so relaxing, so peaceful, so something my MOM and I enjoyed. Fully how I always identified more of my traits with those of my Dad, stubborn, strict, self sufficient, head strong, temperament, patience (or lack of), strong willed, that I never really realized how much I was also so much like my MOM, I have every single one of her good traits with the exception of patience but working on that. Both MOM and DAD had a great sense of humor, were loyal, hard working, loving, caring, honest, giving, had high moral standards, work etihics and integrity, were good friends and neighbors and human beings. I never realized how much my mom and I were alike, and never had the chance to tell her because I didn't realize it unt she was gone...but yet it comforts me, because she was so good and pure and I carry her with me daily. I feel her presence, especially lately with all the turmoil in my life, I feel her reassuring love and the way she had of somehow making everything be ok.

I know a little heavy for a Saturday morning... That's what happens when I wake up and can't getback to sleep, I go downstairs to the couch, listen to the quiet in the house, listen to the sounds outside, and lay here thinking.

So nowmy husband and cats are up, the house is no longer quiet, cats meowing, his spoon clinking in the ceral bowl and the hum and aroma of coffee brewing, the day is waking. I must get going, I have to vacuum, sweep and shower, the Grandbaby will be here in an hour and a half.

Have a wonderful Saturday!