Change is in the air. It's funny that every year beginning in the spring my friend and I both experience what we call horseback air...to us the air has a faint aroma of the leather of a horse's saddle, mixed slightly with the distinct combination of trail dust and horse...we can also hear the squeak of the leather as the rider moves riding on the wind as if calling to us..."the horse heads." Usually this results in one calling the other and saying "did you smell it yet?" "When are we going?" Now it's still a little early yet especially considering massive snow is supposed to hit My area of NJ again in a few hours but I feel the change of season in the air. I feel change period in the air.

I have 14 weeks until my trip; my husband I are taking a motorcycle trip to Lake George NY with our friends (12 couples in total) and I am determined to wear normal shorts and most of all to NOT let my weight hold me back, to be part of the experience not just watch everyone else like I usually do...I am determined to get out of my comfort zone and LIVE! I am terrified of riding on major roadways with tractor trailers but we are taking a scenic route for the most part and will be on the bike for at least 8 hours with breaks every so often. This is huge and very scary for me but I'm doing it!

I also know that being on the bike for that long will reek havoc on my back but i have 14 weeks to strengthen my core, back and legs even more. I am so determined to fully enjoy this summer, this trip and to stop robbing myself, my husband, my family by not being fully engaged. I will no longer be a spectator of life I will be a participant maybe even a leader!

Yesterday at the office I was standing in the doorway of my bosses office discussing the latest project and had placed my hand on my hip and was immediately distracted by how much smaller it felt. This is bad, not that it's smaller but that I was distracted. Okay, more like shocked, I still see myself as "the Fat Chick", I know I've lost a lot but I still see that girl. I definitely see changes in my body, maybe I will always see that in myself, maybe it's not such a bad thing, maybe it will help keep me focused. I've been "the Fat Chick" for so long it's hard to let go completely I guess. I know I need to embrace the healthy lifestyle get out of my comfort zone, this group is the best group to do that with, there is trust there. We will be going into New Hampshire and Vermont during the trip and I believe they are planning a few activities, parasailing was mentioned as a possibility among others. I have to face fears and live...for me that what it's all about.

A few years ago my husband and I went to high point and I stood on a stump at the peak overlooking the lake, I was at least 40 feet from any cliffs edge but I was hundreds of feet above the lake and my body began to tremble, I was crippled with fear, my legs were shaking and I felt like my body wasn't strong enough to keep me safely on this 3 ft tall stump...that I would surely fall and plummet to my death. Overly dramatic I know, it's the fear talking. I don't want to ever feel that feeling again, I want to be able to enjoy this trip to the fullest, maybe even do things that terrify me, mostly I just want to feel confident that my body is strong enough to keep me safe, even on a little 3ft stump!

I don't ever want to feel that fear or lack of confidence ever again. For me this journey started out as just weight loss for health reasons and has turned into a life changing journey of spiritual and personal growth. I feel like I am constantly evolving, being reborn into a better overall version of who I used to be. I feel like I'm unlocking the potential within, I feel anxious at times to see what happens next yet terrified at the same time. I never really realized how much I lived in fear of living, I was just letting life pass me by and I regret that I robbed my family of the active, "fully" engaged mother and wife I should have been. I was always there for them, cheering them on as their biggest cheerleader, or guiding them but I didn't participate in activities as much because I allowed my weight to be a barrier for me and my family suffered along with me for it. I own my past truth and I own my future as well.

So it's now 3:45 am, can't sleep so I might as well get up and maybe go to the gym (they open at 4:30 am) before the snow comes and shuts it down.

Have a great day and be safe!