I received sad news this morning, my Aunt Ethel, my Mom’s eldest sister isn’t doing very well and my cousins are flying in from all over to see her and say goodbye. She will be 94 in June and has been fighting; she was in an induced coma, on a respirator and then was able to come off but has not been able to leave the hospital and over the last few days has really taken a turn for the worse. We spoke before she went on the respirator but I haven’t been to see her because I was sick, then around sick people.

I’m also just realizing a small part of me was avoiding it, because it’s too much like the end with my Mom. I’m going to see her tonight and I’m a mess, my stomach is in knots, I feel a lot of anxiety about it and know it will bring all those emotions flooding back from last year. My Aunt lived just three houses away and my parents and her shared parenting duties with us and her nine kids (she was widowed young). We were always together and I was just as comfortable in her house as I was in my own. While I have two more aunts on my Mother’s side that love it was different with Aunt Ethel, she was a huge part of my daily life growing up and always there for every milestone, heartache and even stepping into the mother figure when we were devastated watching Mom suffer, she was there for us all. I am so sad but I NEED to go see her.

The visiting hours are restricted and I can’t make the afternoon hour; so I will go to training from 6-7pm with Elle and release some of this nervous energy, then shower, eat and drive the 45 minutes to the 9pm-10pm session and then drive back home. As long as I’m in bed by 12am I’ll be able to get up in the morning. That’s my plan and I’m trying not to do any emotional eating as I already caught myself twice sniffing around the goods in the kitchen and had to walk away. Sigh…when will I be able to kick the emotional eating gut reaction?

I don’t have a quote for today, just a thought or prayer…”please let her suffering be brief and give our family the strength to let go of her physically, to carry her with us spiritually in our hearts and memories- Amen.”