All my tests were negative thank God! No tumor, stroke or reason for the seizure...except the doctor thinks it could be stress. I'm told to remove all stress from my life...okay yeah like that's so easy; I would become a complete shutin. I'm out on temporary disability because I can't drive yet due to the antisezure meds, I have to be on them for 30 days first. It's so hard having to rely on everyone else, not being able to work yet and feeling tired all the time.

I had my youngest take me to one of our offices to fax the disability papers and as I sat at the computer in Word to create a fax cover letter and found I had forgotten how to use it...I just sat there and struggled my head hurting as I thought, feeling total confusion and then feeling completely overwhelmed and desolate because I do IT support for a living and I couldn't remember how to use word. It's the most basic of things!!!! I don't know what I'm going to do, when I go back I have a multi server/infrastructure upgrade, upgrade of 40 PCs, a software system change/migration and upgrade, coax to cable conversion, upgrading from a POTS line fire alarm system to a M2M wireless system for 300+ residential units, and have to design and oversee the construction/installation of a new office building and I can't even work Word! OMG I'm freaking out!!!! I broke into tears like some weak little girl, my daughter took me home, I slept for three hours, woke up with the worst splitting headache since the morning of the seizure it scared the $hit out of me and was so mentally and emotionally exhausted. what if it doesn't come back? I've been having such issues with my memory I even have some verbal dyslexia. I get confused easy and seem slow...I used to have like a virtual or mental Rolodex of images, I could close my eyes and walk anyone through anything based off of those mental images but not they are blurry, I can't see them. I know it sounds weird but that's how I worked...I had a memory of mental screen shots that I used to troubleshoot...I would just close my eyes pull it up and see it in my minds eye and now it's gone! I'm scared, angry, frustrated, emotional and just so exhausted.

I'm trying so hard to remove stress because my Neurologist thinks it's stress that caused the seizure because there is no other medical explanation and stress has been know to do this...how do I go back to work and not be stressed? How do I continue on with my life and not be stressed??? I don't know how to not be stressed...in fact my primary doctors have been telling me for about a year now that they think the stress of my job is making me sick but I actually LOVE what I do. I love the responsibility, helping people, 95% of the time I love what I do, I can do without some of the people's treatment and the stress but I am self taught, fly by the seat of my pants by being thrown to the wolves and had to survive and by doing so earned the respect of my peers and employers but now I may have to give it up. Without the ability to really "use my mind and be challenged" how could I have a fulfilling job? I just don't know.

Okay so I'm rambling now and my head is killing me...that's me for now...a complete basket case