It's so hard. Sometimes I really hate it. Most of the time, I can get in a zone and feel great while I'm doing it...endless energy. I knocked out another 45 min (3 miles 350 cal) on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill (1 mile 100 cal).....Last night I did a Firm video...but I didn't do one tonight. I feel like I let myself down by nixing the Firm video but I just kind of blew it off...I was tired....I wanted to be with the DH...blah blah blah.....I hate those days I don't feel like I gave 100%. I'm on the treadmill and the elliptical EVERY day and then I add the Wii Fit and and upper body or ab workout. I'm working out about 2 1/2 to 3 hours everyday. I am afraid that if I don't do that much or more I'm a quitter. If I don't do that much or more then I'm slacking. If I get out of the habit...I'll never do it again. I'm really scared of that.

There's so much I want to be able to do, like a real sit-up, just ONE real push-up. I would love to run a solid mile without feeling like I'm going to die instead of just 1 minute. I want my ass to be small again and my belly flat. When my son gets married....I don't want to look like his "mom". I want to pick up a Spiegel catalog and order something that's a knock-dead gorgeous outfit. I don't EVER want to wear "fat girl" clothes again. I don't ever want to have to "settle" for what fits either.

It's not that these things will make me "happy", I know happy comes from inside.......but these things will help me get back the self esteem and self respect that I have lost for myself by being lazy and irresponsible with my body.

So when I am hating on myself for looking the way I do....it's getting better. When I am hating the workouts so bad I just want to quit, I have to remind myself why I am doing these things and what is SO important about doing them.