Okay, so it's been a rough year.

I had been doing pretty well there for a while, having lost 60 pounds and gotten myself to a good level of physical and emotional fitness.

Then... life happened. I got stress fractures in both of my tibia, setting back my running. I discovered that my husband has been cheating on me (with many people, some of them men) and, unbelievably, I tried to make it work. I got divorced, but I have had to stay in the same house with him for months, each day eroding my emotional strength.

And I've gained, like, 20 lbs back. Not as bad as gaining back all 60, but up until all the proverbial sh*t hit the fan, I've felt totally in control. I had been pretty good at overcoming the little setbacks during my initial weight loss, but this was all just too much.

I feel shame. And I don't like it.

I go to settlement on my new house on May 20 - two weeks from now, which is unbelievable! It's a cute little house, just perfect for a newly-single, thirty-something working girl with three cats. It's full of windows and natural daylight, and it has lots of outdoor stuff for me to enjoy: a nice little deck, a tiny backyard, some flower beds and a fish pond. Tall trees give me plenty of shade and privacy... it'll be like my little oasis of calm and restoration.

I've never owned a house all by myself before, and it feels incredibly empowering... and as I feel my self-esteem slowly returning, I'm starting to feel some of my old motivation trickling back into my psyche. I feel like I'm getting a brand new start - a clean slate - so I feel like I've got to grab it with both hands and hold onto it as tightly as I can. It's a blessing, and as such it is my obligation and mission to do justice to it by using this chance to try to become the best "me" I can be. As I heal and grow stronger, I want to get myself back to where I was.

It's going to be so hard, though. I'm past being angry, and I'm only occasionally a little sad, and even that is diminishing. What I do feel, though, is a little trepidation. What if I fail? Could I really endure that kind of disappointment on the heels of the past year? I used to be good at handling the little setbacks inherent with the journey to a healthy weight; can I even DO that anymore?

In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm back at square one. And it's daunting.

But I think that if I use the next two weeks to mentally prepare myself and then, once I move, use that as my starting blocks to push off of and start re-learning and re-developing healthy habits once again, it won't seem so bad. New house - new start - new life.

Right. I'm on my way.