WHORLEDCRAZY's CalorieKing blog
Tuesday, Apr 19 2011 - my "self"
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I had a hard time Sunday night after I got back from the gym. I caught a look at my body when I was working out. I'm a fat blubber ball. I hate it. then I went to do my stretches on the floor.....in front of a mirror. Gah! I don't look any different at ALL than I did when I started back in February. I did this to myself. And now.....I'm just......I don't know. 
I came home and DH wanted to know how it went and I told him all the sordid details.
Did I ever talk about what an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, LOVING, TERRIFIC, KIND, GENEROUS man my DH is? (Yes Yes, he snores but THAT really doesn't matter right NOW) His encouragement and support is simply.....overwhelming. He talked to me about it as he rubbed my aching legs.....wiped my tears away and made me smile and giggle like a little girl at his complements.
This is what I told him:
My "self" tells me nothing is ever going to change. I could loose 200 pounds and no one would ever be able to tell. My "self" tells me I look like an escaped water buffalo on the treadmill. My "self" tells me my ass is 4 feet wide when I'm on the elliptical and my belly looks like a beer barrel. My "self" tells me people look at me when I am at the gym and they either feel sorry for me or are laughing at me.
I know what I look like, I don't need the negative reinforcement from my "self". My "self" should be the one who is helping me get to where I need to be. Why am I doing this to me?
This is what he told me:
DH reminded me of the Navy Seal way (he works with/for a lot of military people and knows more than a few): "One evolution at a time." Individually, they don't look at their BUD/S course as a whole it would be way impossible and overwhelming so.....literally they look at it like it's one day, one second, one moment at a time. It's the "now" they get through. Concentrating on what their bodies have to do, right this very moment, to get through what they are doing. "One evolution at a time."
I know this journey isn't a military tactical operation. (I don't want to trivialize the work they do because it's so much bigger than getting through a treadmill work out or an elliptical workout.) I get it.....but it does tell me that even the strongest of people just have to get through something that's hard......everyone has to struggle to get to that goal they set for themselves.
I hate the fact that I have to fight against my "self". It shouldn't be that way...but there it is. I want my "self" to be wrong. I want to prove to my "self" that I may have been a lazy slug but I AM changing and getting better. I really, really want to prove to my "self" that she is wrong.
I came home and DH wanted to know how it went and I told him all the sordid details.
Did I ever talk about what an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, LOVING, TERRIFIC, KIND, GENEROUS man my DH is? (Yes Yes, he snores but THAT really doesn't matter right NOW) His encouragement and support is simply.....overwhelming. He talked to me about it as he rubbed my aching legs.....wiped my tears away and made me smile and giggle like a little girl at his complements.
This is what I told him:
My "self" tells me nothing is ever going to change. I could loose 200 pounds and no one would ever be able to tell. My "self" tells me I look like an escaped water buffalo on the treadmill. My "self" tells me my ass is 4 feet wide when I'm on the elliptical and my belly looks like a beer barrel. My "self" tells me people look at me when I am at the gym and they either feel sorry for me or are laughing at me.
I know what I look like, I don't need the negative reinforcement from my "self". My "self" should be the one who is helping me get to where I need to be. Why am I doing this to me?
This is what he told me:
DH reminded me of the Navy Seal way (he works with/for a lot of military people and knows more than a few): "One evolution at a time." Individually, they don't look at their BUD/S course as a whole it would be way impossible and overwhelming so.....literally they look at it like it's one day, one second, one moment at a time. It's the "now" they get through. Concentrating on what their bodies have to do, right this very moment, to get through what they are doing. "One evolution at a time."
I know this journey isn't a military tactical operation. (I don't want to trivialize the work they do because it's so much bigger than getting through a treadmill work out or an elliptical workout.) I get it.....but it does tell me that even the strongest of people just have to get through something that's hard......everyone has to struggle to get to that goal they set for themselves.
I hate the fact that I have to fight against my "self". It shouldn't be that way...but there it is. I want my "self" to be wrong. I want to prove to my "self" that I may have been a lazy slug but I AM changing and getting better. I really, really want to prove to my "self" that she is wrong.
2 comments so far.
2.
a decade ago
I agree, for me it was harder to change my head than my body. This sounds weird, but recently I started yelling back at my "self". When I heard myself being mean, I yelled (out loud! ok i was by myself in my car that time but still) right back and told it it was wrong and a couple other choice words. It can be so hard to recognize and not fall into the negative spiral sometimes. You are right to look at it as slow steps in the right direction
:)
by JEWELS711
1.
a decade ago
I have to tell you, I've had days like that. Days when I would see myself in a mirror at the gym and simply cringe. Here's the interesting thing: part of this is really in your head. You ARE changing. It takes a LONG TIME for your brain to catch up. You are used to seeing yourself overweight. It will take MONTHS and MONTHS before you can "see" the improvement that others see. It will take a LONG TIME for your brain to catch up with your body. Keep that in mind. For the longest time, I saw myself much heavier than I am now. I still sometimes have days like that, days when I don't really see me. I look at others, and don't know whether I'm thinner or heavier. It is almost a kind of body dysmorphia. You know, anoexics say they don't see themselves as thin as they are? I NEVER understood that until I lost weight. Now I get it, at least to some extent.
by AUBRIEANNIE