I am at the hard part of my day. I can make it this far but I am ssooooo craving sweets. I Hate this time of day because I have dishes to do and house work to finish but I want chocolate. And extra butter popcorn and i would give any thing for a cinnamon roll. Thankfully I do not keep allot of junk in the house. I think I am gonna try to have some hot tea with my sugar substitute packets. I have all the junk thats in the apt in 2 cabinets if I can manage to stay away from them I will be ok. I am not hungry. I just feel like eating. I know this is only a craving. I know all of the diet rules and identifiers. I am just too lazy to follow them most of the time. My hubby does so well. I am very proud of him. He wants to have more kids but I want to wait untilll I drop more weight so I can have a safe and back friendly pregnancy. The last one about killed my back and I kept pinching nerves.
I am soo bitter about being fat. I keep trying to remember that when I want to eat. I was once thinner and I was happier. I hate being big. I hate the sight of my body. I am 23 I want to be running circles around my kids. I also hate "fat" clothes. Its hard to find clothes you like in a size 20. I never wear shorts out of the house no matter how hot it gets and forget skirts. I have let my weight take over who I am and that's what frustrates me the most. I figure everyone sees me as a fat person so who cares. Its funny because who ever thought you could be angry about being big. And I am so angry at my self for letting my self get so big. I should have done some thing when I hit 200. Granted I did accomplish a little bit by loosing 32 pounds to get to 234 but that seems like so little. Thats the hardest part for me. I want to be smaller now! I feel like a skinny girl thats trapped in this monstrocity called my body. I have tried but I cannot bring my self to be happy at this weight. I mean how does the world see me when I think I am grotesque. I know i should change my attitude but right now I am glad that I can recognize what I am feeling. For me that is the start. I tend to keep my feelings inside. I am a bit of a hermit in life. I can talk on here and be my self here because no one has to see me but in the outside world, I burrow. I guess thats my main reason to loose weight. I want to stop all of my self hate. Maybe if I can drop weight, I can let out who I am and stop hiding behind all of the blubber. Maybe I can stop being the fat chick and start being me.