So I can't seem to get back on the loose weight band wagon.
I keep sabatoging myself.
Why am I doing this to myself??
Why am I avoiding the gym???
Why am I doing so great with watching my nutrition only to end up stuffing my face late at night???
What is going on with me??
Its almost like I am afraid to let myself be happy again. Why would that be Erika??? Why are you doing this to yourself?
I was watching Biggest Loser a couple of days ago and there was a girl on there, the blond on the yellow team and she reminds me of me. She was obviously self sabotoging...its like she went just so far and then quit....She didn't, couldn't let herself do great...afraid to do well..afraid of what??? What am I afraid of???
Self analysis only gets me so far....I am still sitting here on the couch writing on this site rather than going to the gym....
I am sick today....but I am sick so much lately...its gotta be from all the stress I am allowing. I have to break this cycle.
SO MUCH STRESS...This is not a healthy way to live.....This time last year I was so close to my goals....I weighed 157 ( my highest being 225)....I was feeling so strong and confident and accomplished....and thats when I broke down emotionally......so close to my goals...goals in site.....130s somewhere is site.......but I kept up the nutrition and exersize......
I held on to 150s till April, then I had a surgery and got out of the exersize habit....
Now I am 181 pounds again. HOw did I let this happen. I am so out of shape. I feel awful.
Man. I feel so ashamed. So gross.
These last few weeks I have a few days where I do so well, I feel like I am getting back on track and then I go and sabatoge myself, or I get sick....or a kid gets sick......
I know I have to look at the big picture.....its gonna take time to loose it again....I have to be calm and systematic and slowly get back into it..................
I have to get rid of these bad feelings toward myself or I am not going to be able to do this.
Typing this out, writing things out alwasy helps me.....so if anyone is reading this...thats fine, but I am really just writing all of this out so that I am not keeping it bottled up inside.
I have to stick to my goals...List them daily and stick to them no matter what......
Start simple.....
Here are my goals for the next two weeks:

Stick to my goals no matter what.
Check in daily to my accoutability forum.
Stay in calorie zone daily no matter what.
Drink enough water daily no matter what.
Alcohol only 2 nights of the week.
Eat only at meal times (4 meals).
Exersize atleast 3 days per week. (Do not miss Tues/Thurs classes.)
Use your old reward system again----for weight loss, and sticking to calories each day.

My favorite mantra to keep in my head all the time::::
Three very important things to remember and practice every single day

~ 1. " You know what the secrets are......hard work, done consistently, and proper nutrition.
That's all it takes to get the body you want. "

~ 2. When it comes to fitness, it isn't just about the amount of time you spend in the gym.
You're sabotaging yourself if you don't pay attention to your nutrition.

~ 3. Persistence Can Get You What You Want. Persistence pays off.