In some ways I am really disappointed in myself for not having lost any weight in the last 6 months on CK. I think about how successful I was before - when I lost 110 pounds and was so dedicated and saw the pounds literally melting off week by week. What's different now?

I got used to being thin. I got complacent. I think I felt a little invicible... that this new thin, fit, healthy, and active me couldn't possibly gain the weight back.

I would notice 5 pounds... then another 5. I explained them away. "Oh, 150 was too thin for me to maintain, my body really wants to settle at a larger, healthier size."

Then I noticed another 5 and another. I explained them away. "It's not really that much, I can lose it if I want to but I'm too busy right now - that's not my priority."

Then when I hit 20 pounds gained, my pants no longer fit. This was a breaking point. I couldn't explain away the pounds. Instead I chose to feel miserable about myself. I would try to hide from myself the fact that I had gained weight by not getting on the scale, not trying to put on bigger clothes, not going clothes shopping where I'd have to see I'm a bigger size.

I would try with lacklustre to lose weight - but as soon as the first 2 weeks were over, I went back to my old eating patterns. I spent a large part of 2012 injured so I just couldn't keep up a high level of activity. Another 10 pounds crept on.

So then I joined CK to stop the madness. I did NOT want to undo that year of hard work where I lost all the weight.

Joining CK did help... and I am not disappointed that I did. By even paying attention to the fact that I had gained weight, being honest with myself and checking in, I was able to keep the weight gain in check.

So yes, it is disappointing that I gained weight last year and that the last 6 months haven't resulted in a loss - but I am really proud of myself that they haven't resulted in a gain. I am on the take back.

I have noticed myself emotionally eating quite a lot - feeling a sense of entitlement when it comes to eating high calorie foods that don't fit my calorie budget. But just because my mind thinks I "deserve" whatever treat, doesn't mean my body does. My body is screaming at me "what I really deserve is some mindful attention, exercise, and healthy fuel".

I have spent a lot of time the last few months in body shaming. I truly believe that the body absorbs the intentions you send it. If I send my body the message that I hate it, that it is ugly, undesirable and unattractive without doing anything to help it be otherwise, it will respond in old patterns - asking instead for food for comfort.

I am going to spend some time tackling my emotional eating - to reward myself in non-food ways. To try and look in the mirror every day and see something that I like and tell myself that throughout the day. To send my body GOOD INTENTIONS.

I am doing a raw detox again this year. I did it last year for 6 weeks and I felt amazing afterward. For anyone who might end up reading this blog entry and isn't sure what I mean... maybe I should first mention that I am a vegan. As a way of life, I do not eat the flesh or products of any animal. For some people, this sounds really restrictive but in reality it's not. At first it was hard because I had to learn to cook for myself and not eat foods that come in boxes but now my diet is so varied and full of so many different types of food, I am often shocked when people think I am "restricted".

Last year I gained at least 5-10 pounds during the holiday season due to all the baking I was doing. I got excited to make all my christmas favourites as a vegan and was trying out new recipes and sending them to family and friends in the mail. But it also meant I ate a crap load of butter tarts, shortbread cookies, peppermint patties, gingerbread, sugar cookies and the like. Just because it was vegan food didn't mean it was healthy! Vegan baked goods are based on the same 3 foundational ingredients... FAT, SUGAR, FLOUR.

When the new year came around, I wanted a detox. To get the refined flours and sugars out of my system... to stop craving them, and to rejuvenate myself with whole foods. My cousin and a few friends had turned to Raw eating and had all claimed their benefits. I thought it was all a crock... but I think it was my cousin who really convinced me to at least try it.

So I decided to go 6 weeks without cooked food. I am sure this sounds difficult, but not anywhere near as difficult as I figured out once I was in it. Of course it would mean no breads or sweets or rice or soups... But You wouldn't believe all the things I came across while doing it that I found out were off-limits... for example beans... even if they are in a can and cold, they have still been cooked. Hummus was out of the picture. Conventional soy sauce has been cooked. Tomato purees have been cooked. Orange juice (and most juices) has been pasteurized.

The first few weeks of Raw were rough. But once I got a dehydrator, life got easier.

What I found after a month of eating Raw was that I felt great. My skin was really clear, my digestion was spot on. My energy levels were well regulated and even from waking up to going to bed. I stopped craving sweets and carb rich foods. I stopped craving salty foods and started using less salt. I noticed cravings for certain vegetables and recognized more easily when my body was asking for certain nutrients. Even though I was eating larger amounts of calories (due to nuts) I lost about 9 pounds in those 6 weeks.

But I really did miss cooked food. I kept certain elements of raw eating in my life and lessons learned, but went back to mostly cooked food by the end of February. What I noticed after the month of raw was what happened when I reintroduced cooked food.

There was something about bready foods that bothered me. I noticed myself reacting whenever I ate pizza crust, bread, cookies, etc. After several months of experimenting, I realized if I ate gluten free I was fine. I was still eating gluten occassionally though and noticed that some gluten containing foods were ok and others were not... I still haven't exactly figured it out (I should just fork out the money to do a food sensitivity test) but I think I have a wheat sensitivity.

So anyway, the long of it is... I am going Raw again for January and am excited to make some changes - hopefully some of the same ones as last year (ie. ditch my craving for sweets) and looking forward to any other changes I notice along the way.

And if I lose weight in the process... BONUS.

But really, I am trying to focus on doing it for health and feeling good... one day at a time.