WILLLOSEIT's CalorieKing blog
Monday, Sep 3 2007 - a long weekend to soul search
View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day
sometimes things don't always go according to our plans. there are just certain things we can't control, like the weather and or emotions at times. and if we can't control our emotions, than how can we can control emotional eating? that is the biggest challenge i face.
there are times when it is impossible for me to talk to my mother and not want to grab a piece of chocolate. when i am angry or saddened by something is when i am most vulnerable to eating way more than i should. but these are unreliable barometers of my current state of affairs because i haven't felt angry or sad in a long time and i have been able to handle my mom's tirades with less emotion and more objectivity lately. so why have i found it so difficult to get back on track?
after much soul searching i have narrowed down the possible causes to:
1. my success, especially since the beginning of the summer is not all that spectacular. i have only managed to lose a little more than 14 pounds since the beginning of june. yes, i know it is progress and yes i know it is going in the right direction, but the truth is i should have been able to lose more weight. and i didn't lose more weight because i didn't always do the right thing, not because i am a slow loser. that is the excuse i have been trying to pin my failure on the whole summer. how about not sticking to plan every day of the week? how about eating back every last morsel of a number of calories for a work out that is suspect at the very least? how about not working out as enthusiastically as i should have? all of these things are contributing factors and have given me pause over the past few days as i reflect on a summer that perhaps wasn't as stellar as it should have been. the fact is i need to do more. and so instead of just righting the ship as i should be doing, i have fallen into the old trap of feeling sorry for myself which leads to the bigger trap of sabotaging my weight loss efforts by eating. this is an unhealthy pattern that has dominated much of my adult life.
2. the domino effect of not feeling presentable enough is cultivating some unwanted stress due to my job situation. going on job interviews has always been a scary situation for me. in the past. i have had a stellar career, but i also always knew someone to open a door to further my career. every place i have worked, every career move i made was because someone else was opening a door for me. someone else was championing me and making it more comfortable for me to make career moves. well the well is dry now. all my mentors are either retired or moved on to higher positions in companies where there isn't an opportunity for me. so i am left here on my own and that is scaring me to death. and still being much heavier than i was even 5 years ago, makes this task even more daunting to face. so the fallback response always is to eat more -- making perhaps my imagined demons more real. i'll make sure i don't feel confident by eating all the wrong foods and feeling badly about myself before the interview even begins. it is making me a wreck!
3. my niece's wedding is October 6th and i will not be happy about how i look that day. i am projecting about something a month away, but it's a truth i have to face. no matter what i do, i will still be morbidly obese on her wedding day. i will still be the fat aunt who ruins the pictures. sure i look better than i did 4 months ago, but that's all relative. i will still be closer to 300 pounds than i am to 200 pounds. i will still have to search high and low for a dress that doesn't make me look like a sack and covers my arms and all the other rolls of fat that i have. i will still have difficulty walking in any sort of heeled shoe (in my attempt to look anything but frumpy). so instead of doing more about weighing less by october 6th, i start waffling in my weight loss dedication. it's counter intuitive i know, but it's what i do all the time. another unbroken cycle of my life.
i feel like a broken record writing about all of this over and over. that's why i took a couple of days off from my blog. i couldn't think of anything uplifting to say. i have focused some of my energies on my 2 groups too -- one requiring all the positive energy i could muster and the other simply diversionary--perhaps at times too much so.
so where do i go from here? well yesterday, was the first time i really worked-out in over a week. it was the first truly blemish-free eating day i have had in more than 2 weeks. i have joined vicki's group for personal challenges and have committed myself to get back to basics. i still have the NoMos and the Breakthrough Beauties challenges to motivate me. i still have my wonderful husband to cheer me on. i don't have a project to work on this week, except me. so all systems should be on for a terrific week. i just hope i can walk the walk for 7 days in a row. if i can do that, i am on my way again. if i don't...well i just don't know. i won't go there yet. i have enough negative energy flowing, i don't need anymore...i am looking for the positive kind. and that's what i will focus on for the rest of the week.
thanks for listening...thanks for caring...i will do the same for you...always
a public service announcement....please join the century club or the we love game threads groups if you fit the criteria for either group. i am hoping the power in numbers factor will help me re-focus my energies too. there are good groups of people there already!!
the photo: this photo was taken almost 9 years ago on 9/19/99. i am amazed at how time flies. i am holding my beautiful niece who will be 11 in october. this is the photo that someone sent to ralph before we met. there is charm to it especially holding such a cutie as jamie...
there are times when it is impossible for me to talk to my mother and not want to grab a piece of chocolate. when i am angry or saddened by something is when i am most vulnerable to eating way more than i should. but these are unreliable barometers of my current state of affairs because i haven't felt angry or sad in a long time and i have been able to handle my mom's tirades with less emotion and more objectivity lately. so why have i found it so difficult to get back on track?
after much soul searching i have narrowed down the possible causes to:
1. my success, especially since the beginning of the summer is not all that spectacular. i have only managed to lose a little more than 14 pounds since the beginning of june. yes, i know it is progress and yes i know it is going in the right direction, but the truth is i should have been able to lose more weight. and i didn't lose more weight because i didn't always do the right thing, not because i am a slow loser. that is the excuse i have been trying to pin my failure on the whole summer. how about not sticking to plan every day of the week? how about eating back every last morsel of a number of calories for a work out that is suspect at the very least? how about not working out as enthusiastically as i should have? all of these things are contributing factors and have given me pause over the past few days as i reflect on a summer that perhaps wasn't as stellar as it should have been. the fact is i need to do more. and so instead of just righting the ship as i should be doing, i have fallen into the old trap of feeling sorry for myself which leads to the bigger trap of sabotaging my weight loss efforts by eating. this is an unhealthy pattern that has dominated much of my adult life.
2. the domino effect of not feeling presentable enough is cultivating some unwanted stress due to my job situation. going on job interviews has always been a scary situation for me. in the past. i have had a stellar career, but i also always knew someone to open a door to further my career. every place i have worked, every career move i made was because someone else was opening a door for me. someone else was championing me and making it more comfortable for me to make career moves. well the well is dry now. all my mentors are either retired or moved on to higher positions in companies where there isn't an opportunity for me. so i am left here on my own and that is scaring me to death. and still being much heavier than i was even 5 years ago, makes this task even more daunting to face. so the fallback response always is to eat more -- making perhaps my imagined demons more real. i'll make sure i don't feel confident by eating all the wrong foods and feeling badly about myself before the interview even begins. it is making me a wreck!
3. my niece's wedding is October 6th and i will not be happy about how i look that day. i am projecting about something a month away, but it's a truth i have to face. no matter what i do, i will still be morbidly obese on her wedding day. i will still be the fat aunt who ruins the pictures. sure i look better than i did 4 months ago, but that's all relative. i will still be closer to 300 pounds than i am to 200 pounds. i will still have to search high and low for a dress that doesn't make me look like a sack and covers my arms and all the other rolls of fat that i have. i will still have difficulty walking in any sort of heeled shoe (in my attempt to look anything but frumpy). so instead of doing more about weighing less by october 6th, i start waffling in my weight loss dedication. it's counter intuitive i know, but it's what i do all the time. another unbroken cycle of my life.
i feel like a broken record writing about all of this over and over. that's why i took a couple of days off from my blog. i couldn't think of anything uplifting to say. i have focused some of my energies on my 2 groups too -- one requiring all the positive energy i could muster and the other simply diversionary--perhaps at times too much so.
so where do i go from here? well yesterday, was the first time i really worked-out in over a week. it was the first truly blemish-free eating day i have had in more than 2 weeks. i have joined vicki's group for personal challenges and have committed myself to get back to basics. i still have the NoMos and the Breakthrough Beauties challenges to motivate me. i still have my wonderful husband to cheer me on. i don't have a project to work on this week, except me. so all systems should be on for a terrific week. i just hope i can walk the walk for 7 days in a row. if i can do that, i am on my way again. if i don't...well i just don't know. i won't go there yet. i have enough negative energy flowing, i don't need anymore...i am looking for the positive kind. and that's what i will focus on for the rest of the week.
thanks for listening...thanks for caring...i will do the same for you...always
a public service announcement....please join the century club or the we love game threads groups if you fit the criteria for either group. i am hoping the power in numbers factor will help me re-focus my energies too. there are good groups of people there already!!
the photo: this photo was taken almost 9 years ago on 9/19/99. i am amazed at how time flies. i am holding my beautiful niece who will be 11 in october. this is the photo that someone sent to ralph before we met. there is charm to it especially holding such a cutie as jamie...
8 comments so far.
8.
a decade ago
by JUSTPATTI
7.
a decade ago
Sweetie
:kiss: we are all a work in progress and old habits do die hard. Perhaps you have areas you do still want to improve in. Well, I know I do. On a positive note, you have identified triggers and you are responding to them differently. Don't beat yourself up over what you are not doing YET, but applaud what you ARE doing and HAVE done so far. This takes time to learn and re-learn. Do not let yourself go down that road of ....I am failing again...because you are NOT. You are learning and that takes some time.
by LUCKYDUCK2
6.
a decade ago
It must be contagious...angst.
:afraid4:
:afraid4:
:nono2:
:talking:
:P
:laugh5:
:y:
:queen:
:queen:
:angel4:
=D
:kiss:
:blush4:
:heart2:
:heart1:Hoooooooooooooooooooooo
:kiss:
Don't do this to yourself.
Gather up your resources. I will name them for you........
Intelligence.
personality
logic
several pound lighter.
organization
managerial abilities
sweetness
sense of humor
people who love you and they are the ones who count.
Beauty inside and definitely outside
You are going to be hired, because you are better than the average person who is never prepared and has no experience.
Woooooooooooo
by RSW
5.
a decade ago
Beautiful picture of you! The darker hair looks great.
by THEOSLADY
4.
a decade ago
Oh Grace you are a beautiful person inside and out your niece will not be looking at the physical part of you she is looking at the real you an that you have a big heart and that you are there supporting her!! You have done real well with your weight loss the slower the better right?????
by TEXSKH05
3.
a decade ago
Is this your time to berate and beat yourself up? Throw a few kicks here and a punch there!
We are all so proud of your accomplishments here and so are your family and friends!
As I read between the lines of what you have written today and the last few days, I see a person is who is scared. You are fearing the job hunt for so many reasons. You are knocking your ego to smitherenes!
From now on you will wake up and go to sleep by telling yourself how wonderful you are! You are a diva, smart, beautiful, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, LOVED, and worthy! You will stop looking at the scale for approval but at how you feel when you eat well and exercise. You will stop projecting your poor self image!
by SHARMON
2.
a decade ago
What a beautiful picture, of a beautiful woman, might I add, and a beautiful little girl, too.
:heart1: I'm so glad you shared your feelings, I know how difficult that is. Please don't think that you have to have something up-beat and inspirational to write about. It's helpful when people "bear their souls" because the reader is able to see themselves in your struggle, and sometimes more clearly understand . We're all in this together, and when we share we help each other. I totally relate to what you are saying about not righting the ship and instead feeling sorry for yourself. I have been there and done that many times. 
:bang: It's frustrating and it takes you no where. 
:cry4: You're right to focus on the positives, and there are many. [Emotions are funny - they start with a thought and go from there and can lead you on a roller coaster ride.] Losing just the weight you have already has improved your health immensely - and you're not stopping there, I know. 
:clap: No you aren't going to be where you want to for your niece's wedding, but you won't be where you were either. You've done an amazing job! 
:rock1: In the words of Joyce Meyer "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be---I'm on my way, and I'm okay!" 
:kiss: Sometimes I beat myself up because my weight loss has been so slow, and I've been here a long time, but I am trying to focus on the positive changes I've made. Analyzing what you've done is good to make changes, but when it takes you on the "should-of's" train, you're headed in the wrong direction. 
:help: Health-wise and every other-wise there really is no other option but to continue. Like being in the mafia, we know too much, now. 
:y: 
:kiss:
by BUN201
1.
a decade ago
by BIGGRAMMA