they say that a little bit of turmoil is good for the soul. i personally believe that the only people who think that way are those living quiet sedate lives. i don't know too many people like that. if i did, they wouldn't dare say those words to my face. at least i am still smiling -- sometimes.

as we initially thought, this fentanyl patch did a number on my mother. my sister removed the patch friday evening. by that point my mom was so very groggy and completely non-responsive. although her pain was gone, she didn't even recognize my sister or me. despite her recurring dementia since her stroke 5 years ago, she always recognized us. we hoped that within a few hours of removing the patch she would begin to come out of her stupor. but that didn't happen at all. she fell later in the evening on friday and the police were called to help my father and the health care worker to pick her off the floor. according to my father she fell straight back. my goodness we are lucky she didn't hit her head. by yesterday afternoon her mental status had not improved and she was going on 48 hours without any fluids or solid food. it was not a good situation.

in the emergency room, they immediately hydrated her (immediate being a relative word; more on that later) with iv fluids and ran the usual series of tests to assess her condition. i sat with her in the emergency room until 1:00 am. although it was determined early on that she needed to be admitted, as of 11:00 am this morning she was still in the emergency room. a bed is still not available, but according to her nurse she was comfortable, if confused. i was so worried leaving her there but i was very tired and hungry i had to leave. since her mental status was so altered, i was afraid she might become agitated or hostile. in the chaos of this emergency room, even a non-combative person would become irritated. i am just going to straighten up the house and head back to the hospital.

now for my hospital and health care rant. all i know is that our system is broken and it needs to be fixed. there are not enough hospitals, hospital beds, nurses or doctors to handle the volume. there are not enough "well care" programs to prevent the overflow in emergency rooms. last night, my mom was in a "cubicle" less than 6 feet wide and i am not exaggerating. for most of the night she had patients on 3 sides of her. i had to walk around another patient just to get into the hallway. forget privacy, it was non-existent.

ralph waited patiently in the tumult that was the waiting room until i sent him home with my father. he said people were going nuts, complaining about waiting 4 hours already! i feel too many people who can sit and wait are using the emergency room for primary care. the people being brought in by ambulance, bleeding, vomiting or complaining of chest pains are treated first always. my mom was one of them. i would say thankfully, but it seems inappropriate. i would much prefer to avoid this whole scene completely.

sadly, most of the real emergencies were elderly people. i can't help but wonder what will be in 20 or 30 years when all us baby boomers reach our 80s and 90s. i keep thinking, well we are taking better care of ourselves so it won't be the same. but there aren't any guarantees other than that there are a lot more of us potentially living longer dare i say productive lives!

i really think that a national health care system is the answer. it's not something that can happen over night (although britain started from scratch after wwii). all i know is that those countries with national health care systems (canada, britain, france, italy etc.) far out rank us in patient satisfaction and preventative care. imagine if everyone could go to a doctor when needed without worrying about the cost? since when is health care a privilege? i know it's not a simple solution, but it is one that has to be seriously considered and planned before millions of baby boomers turn into millions of patients. we've got 20 years to fix it and i say let's get moving.

i think you can figure out that i didn't have a good day diet-wise yesterday, although it wasn't a complete washout. i just didnt' eat when i should or have the right foods with me. i always forget that a visit to the emergency room typically turns into a 9 hour ordeal. today i will be better prepared.

now if i can just get my emotions in check. i cry a lot. my mom has never had an easy life; an abusive parent, two handicapped children, chronic back and leg pain, the loss of a son, a stroke and now continued dementia and pain. as i watched my mother's tears fall from her face as they painfully prodded her to find a vein for the iv, i cried too. not just for the moment, but for the years of suffering this woman has endured; for the sadness that dominates most of her history. i hope happiness will meet her in the end. there is no one in this world who deserves it more.