it's lovely to be in a quiet home today. i am alone and away from the stress of my mother's pain, my father's sadness and my brother's mess. oh, i haven't mentioned that, have i?

in the middle of all this tumult with my mother, my brother's social worker called my dad to let him know that steven is covered with supposedly self-inflicted injuries because my dad isn't coming to see him as often as before. a mentally retarded man (who is really a child) does not get the concept that his parents are old and frail. he doesn't understand why he can't get the huge meal and the new watch once a week. all he asks is "where's my mommy?" (no matter how many times you tell him she can't come there any more) and "where's my hamburger?" (no matter how much else you have brought for him to eat that week.) his happiness is limited to when he sees my dad now. but my dad can't drive there on his own anymore, so the responsibility goes to me or one of my siblings.

when the the social worker called i was at the house. he told me that he didn't want to put more pressure (yea right) on us especially right now, but we have to try and get my dad to steven more frequently. although my sister had taken my dad there on the sunday before christmas so it's not that we don't try. but i guess 3 weeks is a lifetime when you have nothing to look forward to in the first place.

my heart aches and i feel so much guilt regarding my brother already it is just painful. i know crying doesn't help any of this whole situation with my family right now. but as i said the other day, i just can' t help myself. i am not sure if i am crying because they are going through these pains or because i have to deal with the consequences of what they are suffering. i guess it's a little of both. i don't mean to feel sorry for myself, but sometimes, well i just do. i know i take too much on, but i don't have a choice right now.

back to my brother's situation. to know that he is hurting himself just put me over the top. and so yesterday, i took my dad to steven. i think i cried the whole time we were there. i couldn't contain myself. i wasn't sobbing, but the tears just started coming as soon as i saw him curled up in his wheelchair. his face was completely distorted and swollen. his left ear was unbelievably swollen and his right eye was so black and blue he couldn't stop tearing. he had many other black and blue marks on his arms and face. i wanted to scream, but instead i just cried. i am just an emotional wreck these days.

because he was so drugged to control him, his reaction to us was limited for awhile. but the caretakers were so excited to see us. they knew we would make his day. i felt somewhat better by the time we left. there wasn't much life in his eyes, but i felt his happiness as he meticulously ate every ounce of food we brought for him. i am determined to get my dad to steven once a week. if my siblings won't pitch in, i will do it myself. steven's well being can't be sacrificed just because he is handicapped. someone has to care.

i spoke to ralph last night and he will help me whatever way he can. he is a good man and i am so thankful that he is so supportive and loving. he is visiting his mom down in florida for the weekend and has his own heartache to deal with. she has alzheimer's and now lives in an assisted care facility. his sister lives locally and thankfully his mom is content and relatively healthy so the visits are not too stressful for him.

once again, i digress from my brother. god, talk about never having a break. born mentally retarded, he became paralyzed from the waist down 12 years ago, lost his twin brother 8 years ago and has lived in an institutionalized environment for over 25 years. my parents did everything they could to keep my brothers home. lenny left us first, when he was 16 or so. steven, although in an out of facilities for many years, basically lived home until he was about 24. but then he became way too much for my parents to handle on their own. my parents sacrificed everything for these boys, including the time and attention they should have given to the rest of us. i understand their choices now, but of course didn't back then. i am only 3 years older than the twins so i felt the brunt of "rejection" even though that's not what it was at all.

i know this lack of attention has a lot to do with my weight issues. i have struggled with my identity and self-esteem for as long as i can remember. i didn't have a designated place in my family. frank is the oldest and mary the youngest. i was right in the middle. they even shared the same birthday - 12 years apart. of course the twins shared a birthday too, so even in that regard i was the odd man out. my brother was king for so long he never lost that place. my sister was always the baby and doted on. not having a diagnosis for the twins before my sister was born put her in a special place from the start; somewhere between the fear of something being wrong with her too and the usual joy of a newborn. and i waited for my rightful designation, but it never came. and so i ate.

but then as now, it doesn't do anything to make me really "feel" better about whatever is troubling me at the moment. it doesn't truly "comfort" me like a mother's hug or a kiss on the cheek. it doesn't make the heart ache any less when you feel sadness, guilt, fear or what ever emotion du jour is causing the angst for the day. but every stinking time i feel that stress; that gut-wrenching stress that makes you want to explode, i turn to food. and every time i say it won't happen again, it does.

i am not sure if i will ever conquer this vicious cycle, but i know i will never stop trying. i will be strong with every fiber of my being. i don't give up and won't now. so with that in mind, i look to tomorrow and remind myself that there is something at the end of the rainbow. maybe not a pot of gold, but something worth fighting for; a healthier me.


note to self: please remember to start writing more uplifting blogs again and to thank all my wonderful ck buddies for hanging in there with me. i think we will all be rewarded in the end...