I did write back to A, and the message was much as recorded in the last entry. I did add this:

"Spring here is so lovely – everything is green and fresh. My tulips are coming up after all, despite most of their friends being eaten by the squirrels. I still have such vivid memories of spring at Mac – that’s when I remember spring being so very…spring-like with spring fevers and impatience and celebrations. Our deck is finished and it’s just wonderful – we’re going to grill out on it tonight for the first time. It’ll be a beautiful place for the wedding. S’s brother was in town this weekend, and we had a great time – it makes me anxious for September to role around so that I can see both families.

I wrote the first part of this email several days ago. While I’m happy and hopeful right now, the feelings and thoughts voiced then were very vivid and a part of my journey so I think I’ll save them rather than starting this email over.

I think of you and Joe whenever I catch “Today” on TV – I can’t quite remember the distances in Manhattan, but it seems like you could be just around the corner when the cameras go outside into Rockefeller Plaza."

It felt good to send this off to her. It is true, I've been very happy since last Wednesday, but I did feel those feelings and think those thoughts so very vividly that I couldn’t just erase them.

A thing that sustains me is S’s love. It seems very constant and very unconditional. I say “seems” because after all, what do I know? We all have secrets. I don’t think for one minute that he doesn’t love, that isn’t it – but sometimes the ones you love can bother you. We were talking last night about the time last year on Valentine’s when we nearly broke up – well, I brought it up, but oddly he didn’t really remember it very clearly. We talked a bit about how slowly we had taken things until when he moved up north for those months. Distance can be telling. Of course, my romantic soul would like to believe that nothing can change love, but I have had evidence to the contrary. I don’t feel bitter, despite the way that reads– but I do feel realistic. S is very precious to me – it is often so tender between us. I feel loved. I’m glad he decided to love me and that he wanted me in his life. S moving in was a catalyst for many changes on my end that were very necessary, including quitting drinking and smoking. It was a bit frightening to think about us apart. That’s what I remember from that Valentine’s night. How frightening it was – I remember thinking, “God, I don’t want to go through another breakup – I know how it feels.” And I was referring to AJ, of course. S has changed some since moving in too – in good ways.

S’s brother was in town for a day this weekend, and it was great to have him there. I have only met D the once out east and that was with his family, so it was great fun to have him to ourselves. And it was fun to compare S and D – not in a judgmental way, just in mannerisms, etc. We watched video of their childhood pictures. Having D here made me anxious for the fall when all the families will be here.

And the deck is done! I’m thrilled. I can’t wait to start on the lawn.

Some things I need to decide – or things I feel I need to decide/address: how long to work at the dealership; when to go to the WomenVenture class (which is really what to do with my life); and…there should be more. I know there is. I’ll have to let them come to me.

Writing is a bit awkward right now because I said on a CK forum that I’d make my journal public. I don’t want to write with an audience in mind. I want to just write for myself. I’ll see how it goes – if I feel I’m censoring what I write about, I’ll need to address it.

I’ve been having a very hard time waking up in the morning to work out. It has been really hard – I’ve never loved getting up, but it wasn’t the daily battle with myself that it is now. Every morning it seems like I’m making bargains with myself. And I’m fine 10 minutes after getting up, but those 10 minutes are so intense they almost override my better judgment. S and I always watch “Family Guy” at 10:30, so that means that I’m falling asleep at or around 11pm, which means I’m getting 7 hours and 20 minutes of sleep. I know I’ve always needed my 8 hours, but I tell myself that this is just 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I don’t think it should be this hard. I’ve debated giving myself a week off – that did such good over the holidays, but I don’t think that’s a great idea if I want to be at 125 for Molly’s wedding, which is in 3.5 weeks. And I could not watch “Family Guy” but I really enjoy it. I wouldn’t be falling asleep until 10:30 anyway, so I don’t know if that would make a huge difference. I hate it.

I have a sense that I’m forgetting something upcoming that is unpleasant – that strange gray cloud over my shoulder feeling. It may be the issue with one of my staff. I need to call her and address the issue again. When things go well at this job, they go well. When they don’t, its horrible. I opened my journal with frustrations about work – and A’s email certainly touched on that issue. It’s a mental treadmill for me, though. I haven’t had one original thought on the subject in weeks.

There was a challenge in the CK Mental Health forum to change one thing you don’t like about yourself. I don’t like it when I put things off – but to be more specific, I’m going to work on the yard this weekend for 1 hour on Saturday and Sunday. I may be willing to do more than 1 hour, but that will be the minimum. When I do that, I’ll make a list of items for the deck – plants, benches, etc.