May 4, 2004

I’m at the dealership right now. I just was informed that the internet access will be removed from the two computers I sit at on Tuesday and Thursdays because someone has been abusing the privilege. I find that infuriating. I might consider quitting the dealership if that is the case. I can manage my money more tightly if I need to. The one thing that makes this a good second job is that I can do other work while I answer the phone, etc. I do everything that is required of me at the dealership so having internet access is in no way taking me away from my responsibilities. Frustrating. I waffle on this issue. Some days I am sure working here is a good thing to do, but on others I think I “deserve” not to work here – one job really is enough. I make so many decisions after letting the ideas/options just sort of percolate in my mind – when the right one rises to the top, then I know it’s the right decision. I need to let my mind do its work on this one.

S and I “made up” later on in the evening after my last entry. He came and asked for a hug. I like that we don’t stay angry at each other often. Although it’ll be my turn next time to initiate reconciliation.

I spoke briefly with Mom last night, which was nice. The family is doing well. J is shopping for a car! Its so hard to believe he’s that old. Sis and I have had some interesting conversations about J since Christmas. We were very concerned at how intolerant he is – he is very conservative and has no room for people who don’t act in accordance with this moral statues. He can very judgmental. I see myself in him. I don’t want that rigidity that I used to exhibit to hurt him the way it has hurt me.

While I feel more and more than this new self awareness will make me more able to accomplish that hypothetical “anything” – it has made me worry about raising children. I would like to raise children to not have to go through this process of mine. I found myself trying to remember what I was like in high school and college – and I think that while I loved college – I did – I didn’t take hold. How to explain what I mean.? I didn’t take charge. I went with the flow and only really considered what was usual. I would approach it differently now – I would approach it more like Sis did. That realization makes me sad. I don’t want to taint my happy memories of Mac, though. I need to be able to hold both emotions in my heart.

I hope very much that we are able to have dinner with S and T tomorrow – it would be such a treat to spend time with a couple – and a couple we like!

Today I went shopping for a grill for Brunswick with Bay at Target and experienced that slightly panicked, uncomfortable, discouraged feeling I’ve gotten before at Target. It’s the same feeling that prompted that crying episode that I shared with S a month or so ago. It seems to involve worry about the accessories to a good life – and worrying about not having the money to buy them. I wish I could pin point it. I’m finding that more and more concerns for me have at their root money. Doesn’t that seem like the trend in my entries?

I think I need to talk to S about money in general. There aren’t really additional concerns on my part, but I feel anxious about money and him. I’ll obviously need to be much more articulate and organized when I talk to him about it.

There is a large family standing just outside the door of the dealership – what must be 3 sisters, their children, and the grandparents. They are horribly behaved – all of them, not just the kids. The children are a mess – they’re all dirty and the mothers are speaking very harshly to them. I wonder if people like know and don’t care that they are attracting lots of negative attention, or if they don’t know.

I have been very busy this week so far the group home – I need to give myself credit for the fact that it is a challenging job. And I do do it well.