I'm at the dealership again tonight. There is a toddler in the waiting room who has been crying for hours now. And naturally the mother is just ignoring her. It shouldn't annoy to the extent that it does (which is significant), but it does.

Last night we had dinner with a old, old friend of S's and his wife. It was really nice. They are both great people. Sk is pregnant, after lots of trying, so they are anxiously awaiting the baby. It hit me how so of that age group S and I are now. Not that I wasn't with Aj, but not in quite the same way - no one else was at that time. And Aj and I weren't anywhere near ready to have children, which is why it feels different now.

I get jealous sometimes, thinking of S's life before me. We talked about it once, and he said, "Imagine how I feel - someone was MARRIED to you before me." Anway, T is part of that "life before me" and so is extra interesting to me. He and S have been friends since grade school.

Oh, I have missed smoking these last few days. I keep deciding not to say out loud, "I would love to smoke, smoke, smoke" because I don't want to make it any more true or real. I keep hoping that the desire to be a smoker will go away with time, and perhaps I am being impatient - its only been 3 months, but it feels old right now. I would though - I'd love to go home right now, drink lots of wine and smoke, smoke, smoke. S thinks that I'll eventually want a beer or glass of wine, but I just don't see it. I can't see drinking without smoking. I just can't. And of course I'm not going to force myself to.

I just got some pictures developed. And hit a minor wall. There are a few pictures of me on the deck - and I objectively look fat in them. My god - I only weight 128 pounds, and I look chunky. My breasts look huge. I look nothing like I look in the mirror. It made me feel awful. At the breasts will be going away. Just so discouraging to not only look chunky but to feel badly about it as well. I keep catching sight of myself in the mirror here by the counter, and all I'm seeing today is a double chin. Well, so be it. I need to accept it since its who I am.

There was a post today at CK about an article about our moral judgement of people who are overweight. I think its a fascinating topic because it is true. Not only to people judge overweight people, we judge ourselves. I always describe myself as "lazy" or "out of control" when I feel heavy - those are moral judgements. We perceive thin people as being "in control" people - organized and on top of it. And it seems to me that this factors into eating disorders as well. Proving worth to self or world through the body.

I need to go back to school. I want to being learning again. The thing is, what to learn? What to do?

I feel sad all of a sudden. Nostalgic for something. I can't figure out what, though. Its okay. Its okay. I wish I were looking forward to something. And I do have tons to look forward to. Perhaps is PMS-ish. Sometimes I dislike saying that - emotions are emotions. They're all chemical and homormal, so saying a feeling is due to PMS is sort of dismissing it, which is unfair.