I spent the morning today at the corporate office working on a variety of forms that need fixing and updating. I enjoyed it. I enjoy that type of work. I think that in many ways the AII job was very good for me. That is something I haven’t addressed in journaling yet at all.

As best as I can remember, the proposal process was going very well from my standpoint. I was reporting to the executive vp of sales who lived in California, who had no time for me and was actually an ass, after several years of reporting to the local sales vp, D – who was a nightmare herself.. I thought I had good relationship with the local sales people that I worked most closely with. I had worked harder than anyone ever hand in that position, won more proposals than the company ever had won, and developed such an efficient system that I could produce start to finish a 300 page proposals in 3 days.

However, it turned out that over the course of a few weeks in July of 2001 I was put on the black list by those sales people that I had been closest to. I discovered that they and the CEO (an illiterate slob) had called my subordinates in to ask them about me. I’ll never know exactly what AB and AD told them – I don’t think they were disparaging of me, but I have no way of knowing for sure. Shortly after I was presented with the fact that “they” (who, I was never really told) thought I was being paid too much and that I need to present a new compensation plan for myself to the executive vp of sales. What a horrible and unfair position to be put in. First of all, the base salary plus commission system was developed long before I had that job, and I was being compensated so well because I was doing so well at winning contracts. I can’t remember the vp of sales’ name – Jim? No…anyway – he was onsite one after noon, came into my office, we talked, and the sky fell. He asked me what I had done to upset the sales people. Naturally I had no idea what he was talking about. Finally, after much unnecessary vacillating, he told me that the backlash against me had been instigated by F and P.

F and P had been my biggest fans for most of my 3 years at the company. When I was separated from AJ, they even came over to the house to help me with the yard work. To say I felt stunned with betrayal is to only approximate the pain. I was blind-sided. I was subsequently informed that F would be taking over the proposal writing team and that I would no longer be a supervisor. He – the exec, not F - encouraged me to stay with the company, but said that if I wanted to leave he would put together a severance package for me. I thought about it for one evening, and knew there was no way I could continue at that job in that kind of atmosphere. I resigned. The last few days there were horrendous. I spent it wondering who had helped put me in this position and who hadn’t. I spent it completing work that they did not deserve. AB and I seemed to stay close as friends, but that turned out not to be the case as she decided to cut ties with all ex-employees as I found out much, much later. Her email on that subject two years later is still one of the pompous pieces of drivel I’ve ever read. She never was a strong writer, and needed quite of bit of editing, so I’m confused as to how she was made manager of the proposal writing team. Of course I’m jealous and envious and resentful of her success there – I understand from another ex employee that she won the enterprise quality aware a year or so ago, but I can’t say I understand why she has held on or been held on to. Her work was simply not at a management level when I supervised her.

I am prepared to admit that I didn’t handle myself in the best way possible at times, but I don’t believe I deserved that black listing and back stabbing. The company had an archaic structure and was extremely tight fisted. The operations managers never had more than a high school degree so getting them to describe process and procedures was nearly impossible and they had no respect for the proposal deadlines that I had to live with. I have had fantasies of seeing F and imagining all the things I would say to him – or how I could most obviously snub him. Quite frankly, I’d like to knee him.

I remember when AS and LB (and M and K long distance) confronted me with their concerns about my drinking, they asked me what might have been at the root of it. (Talk about yet another sense of being blindsided and betrayed.) I mentioned resigning from AII. I knew at the time it was a horrible experience, but I thought that if I dwelt on it, I would injure myself even more than the experience had. I didn’t’ think I was hiding from anything. I was, but not as much as the experience merited.

So, in the space of two years, I experienced what I perceived as betrayal from AJ, my job, and my best friends. No wonder I needed to dull the feelings and pain. Oh, I feel so badly for myself – not self pity – I feel badly for myself. I had been very, very hurt. And in such humiliating ways – being treated so poorly that I had to battle every instinct that told me that obviously there was a reason people were treating me this way – I deserved to be hurt. I feel very strongly right now that I did NOT deserve to be hurt. I am embarrassed and humiliated by the memory of those experiences still, but I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

So, careers. I would like to work for myself, I sometimes think. I would rather not be in the AII situation again, although I would know a lot more now about how to handle certain situations. I briefly searched for career assessment tools online last night and didn’t come up with very much that seemed helpful. I would be interested in taking the Stronge Interesting Inventory again. That might help focus me. I believe that is what WomenVenture uses. I think I’m going to wait until mid June to sign up for their intro class. My schedule should be much more open then. Especially if I quit the dealership!