Okay. Its 7:30pm-ish and I can take 30 minutes to journal. I think I need to.

Today was an event-ful day. I slept in, which felt wonderful. But earlier, S woke me up to…well, you know. Its been along time for both of us, but I still felt as if this event was more for him than me, considering my condition. I am a non traditional feminist in that I usually have no problem being generous with my body even when I’m not necessarily in the mood - but I didn’t like this morning. Especially since we had hardly talked the night before. I’m noticing trait about myself that I don’t like - when compared to S. For example, it would never occur to me to take the remote and change the channel or turn the TV on or off without consulting him - not because I can’t figure it out on my own, but out of courtesy. It wouldn’t occur to him TO consult me. I usually don’t take it personally - after all, the world is set up to train men not to ask for other’s feeling/input/etc., but I end up feeling resentful. And the thing is, I know it would hurt him if he read this. I wish we talked more. How is that for the stereotypical female lament? I hate being stereotypically female. But I am.

I got a call for an interview today at Novartis. I’m thrilled. I think I am great candidate for the position, so long as I present myself well. I’m truly excited. I talked with C a bit on the phone today about the position so I feel fairly well prepped. I’ve got all my notes, and just need to do some more research on the company tonight.

Part of my concern with S yesterday was that he didn’t seem as enthusiastic for me as I would have liked about this interview and I’m not sure why. Its hard to say, too, “Why aren’t you happier for me?” Maybe its not. However, he just got home and seemed very excited for, which makes me feel better. Women. We’re nut jobs. Or rather, we’re normal and rational, and men aren’t. I can’t figure it out, but that’s hardly a surprise as I assume its not something we’re supposed to figure out.

I bought some dress pants to pair with a black blazer. I’ve got no idea what my jackets will look like now with a smaller chest, but it’ll have to do. I’m going to wear my high healed boots and I should look presentable. I’ll have to take a shower tonight since it’ll take me hours to do my hair tomorrow in my current gimp state.

I checked the mail today and I did get an invitation to K and I’s wedding after all. I was truly surprised and pleased. I sent K and email that said

K -

I imagine you are in innundated with emails today/this week with the invites going out but wanted to send you a message anyway. I was honored to get an invitation, K. Thank you. I had heard a while ago from M, I think, that you were engaged - I know we haven't been very close lately (is that an understatement?) so I do appreciate the invitation.

I bet your schedule is tight and full during these last two months, but please keep me in mind if you need help or an extra pair of hands. Also, if lunch would work or a quick coffee break someday, I'd love to catch up in person. My cell is still the same: XXXXXX or via email at XXXXXXXXXXXx. (I may be changing jobs soon so I'm trying not to use my work email for personal stuff, which is what I think you have.) I hope to hear from you.

Great website! Congratulations, again, K!

Love,
Lynnie

I think that sending her the email was the right thing to do. Of course, now I won’t get a response and I’ll feel like idiot. And my old friends are wonderful in that they are like me in so many ways, so I do, in fact, know exactly what to worry about. I’m not pulling things out of the air to worry about. They’re real.

I did an odd thing today. I went to McDonald’s and had two extra value meals. Two. I was hungry, yes, but still. McDonald’s. I want this week to be an example of what life is like after surgery that immobilizes you, not an example of what life would like if I weren’t working. Because if it is, I am in trouble. Eating-wise, not happiness-wise. This week has been wonderful.

More tomorrow.