I have so much news and its been so long since I’ve journaled. I’ve had so many thoughts and I’m not sure where to start.
I was offered the job at Novartis, and I accepted it. I was offered $50,000/year which was much higher than I had expected and very exciting. I do have to start in two weeks, however, so I don’t get any time off between jobs. I gave BG, the VP of Program Services at DCI my notice on Friday and the word spread quickly. I had somewhat of a negative interaction with SN about being a reference, which I may write about later, and that colored my feelings for a bit. I am trying to absorb this huge change. I also gave my notice at the dealership (yippee!) and have only one more week there. I am really looking forward to a new job – and I am not sad to be leaving DCI. I may have different feelings when the time comes, but for now I am glad. I haven’t told my staff yet – I think I will on Monday. That may be hard.
I was just thinking that I should outline my entry so I don’t forget to write about everything I’ve thought about writing about and I remember how foreign the idea of outlining was in high school (or even college, for that matter.) I didn’t seem to need it. But that shows how my thinking and writing and mental organizing has changed since then.
S and I drove to La Cross this week on Wednesday and came back on Thursday. Drives allow so much time for thinking, which can be bad – sometimes I just don’t want to think. That is why I loved to drink – it shut off my brain which just never stops. And I don’t mean that in a “I’m so brilliant” way (although that would be just fine to say if I felt it), I mean it in the sense of constant turning and whirling, and running, and analyzing, and examining, and trying on lives and so exhausting. I did tons of thinking on the drive there and back. One thought was, who will ever read this? And why do I write it? For me, of course. Obviously. But why, then, does it make me sad to think of me dying and this disappearing? I suppose because it represents me – my life. And of course I don’t want that to disappear, but all lives do. At least in the memories of others – I don’t know what my great, great grandmothers’ lives and thoughts were and they were every bit as rich and full as mine, I imagine. What lives on after us? After me?
I thought about AJ quite a bit on the ride. Lately my thoughts have been strange and hurtful about him. A sense or conviction (I can’t decide whether to trust it or not) that I lost the best person in the world for me. I imagine so many similarities between AJ and I went I put us together in my mind. So many shared values – he would know intimately the feminist issues I think about and the current events I hear about every day on NPR. I can see he and I at his childhood home and lake – I can imagine us out for happy hour. I don’t know whether to assign truth to these thoughts or not. Especially because they seem separate from S somehow – I mean separate in that I don’t think they threaten my love for S, but I worry that they diminish it unfairly. The truth is that S and I are very differently people and we have different interests, and there are times when I wish he would express more interest in me – in the things I’m interested in and, well, just in me. But there is so much love between us and I can’t imagine that ever being “not right.” I am frightened of these thoughts. They are exactly the type of thoughts that would hurt someone if they read them, and I don’t know what to do with the gap in integrity that that reveals. What I don’t imagine AJ and I doing are the things that S and I do – work around the house together – being…healthy. But I also don’t know if that because I didn’t give those things a chance when AJ was in my life. And then I wonder if any of it is real – am I imagining things based on a reality that wasn’t real? Am I remembering things incorrectly? I’m tempted to say that these thoughts are so prevalent because the wedding is never far from my mind, but I don’t know if that is true or a coincidence.
I had a long, involved, highly anxious dream about getting married last night – in the dream I got married once to a stranger, and then was scheduled a month later to marry a family friend. Sis and M were the only “real” people in the dream. Everything went wrong. It was a long, tiring, anxiety filled dream. So, yes, the wedding is on my mind a lot. One funny note was that at the end of the dream, we were making candy meatball subs at Steven Tyler (from Aerosmith)’s house. What!?! I woke up so relieved that it wasn’t real.
Today is Saturday and S worked all day today so I had the house to myself – I had me to myself. I cleaned the kitchen floor on my knees and did some laundry then went out shopping. I ended up getting a number of things that I’ve been wanting, but it was a strange shopping trip. I am much more aware of how shopping can affect me now, so I’m able to keep it from overwhelming me – but its nearly always a challenging experience. I got frames for the kitchen prints, two pairs of kaki pants, the FIRM videos and step, a new VCR for the basement, a several other frames – one a signable one for the wedding, and one for our copy of our wedding invitation.
I saw the doctor on Friday and he said my breasts were healing very well – that the swelling was way ahead of schedule, so I want to get started on the two month countdown to the wedding. Hence, the FIRM videos.
All of my thoughts over the past months and at times before that are being reflected back to me in a book I’m reading, “Appetites – Why Women Want” by Caroline Knapp. As I said to S – every page is Eureka! Every page is exactly what I have thought and experienced. Its phenomenal. Its wonderful and overwhelming that someone out there has crystallized this. I truly thought that I was the only one, and because of that I gave my thoughts and experiences very little validation. I don’t quite know what to do with the connection – the very huge mirror it shows up to me.
Socially, I’m a bit shaking right now. S and I did go over to SK K’s house last night with SN and Jeff from across the street and had a great time. S almost didn’t go and it was almost a bad situation, but he did and he seemed to enjoy himself, which made me happy. SN invited us to SK’s which was sort of strange, but very nice. What is bothering me is that I haven’t heard from either K about lunch or A from my return voicemail to her, or from Molly via email. K’s wedding is coming up and it may be awful. But I feel I must go. Not “have to or will feel guilty” must go, but must go for some closure-type reason.
I have tons to do, it seems between now and starting my new job. I know I won’t have the flexibility at my new job so I’m trying to fit it all in. I need to decide on and order flowers. I need to order a cake. Finish the invitations. Figure out the ceremony music. I need to figure out the deck decorations. I need to find a dress for K’s wedding. I need to find my wedding dress. I need to edit the wedding ceremony. I may need to shop for work clothes.
Mom and Dad will be staying here next weekend, which I’m greatly looking forward to. So is S, which makes me happy. We have really evolved into very adult married type people to so look forward to family visiting. It makes me smile.