Tuesday, Oct 12 2004
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I realized last night that perhaps the way I felt on Sunday and on Monday (yesterday) were variations of my panic attacks. Anxiety, despair, and an irrational but irrefutable sense of the world being against me in some way. I know how irrational it is, but I cant articulate the sense of giving in, of okay, I give up I feel when Im in those moments. And anything can add to it I jammed my thumb into the floor trying to pry a tiny round ball out of the dogs mouth and that incident exacerbates it. I somehow believe that that is the universes way of telling me Im just not worth it. S tried to be sweet last night but I dont know how appreciative I am. I sometime wonder how interested he is in me. I mean in me and my thoughts, not me romantically. And then the thought occurred to me Im focusing on what things I perceive him to be lacking (not soliciting my thoughts, etc) and virtually ignoring the things he does the I love yous and hugs, etc.
I dont feel that way today yet, anyway. I think I go through cycles of this I think. I think they happen once about every month and a half or so. They arent linked to PMS. Of that Im sure.
I drove into work this morning with the resolution to a) make up a list of routine things to do around the house so I can try to do one each night. Im feeling self conscious around S about this again. I dont condone the way I feel but I also do not know how much is legitimately from him and how much is my hyper sensitivity to it. I already feel very behind in my relationship with the dog since he has been home with her everyday. I am trying very hard to not let that bother me too much. Its not that Im jealous, really, its that it puts me in a position of less than competence as it relates to the dog. And of course then I worry about how it will be when we have children. Will I feel like I am behind Steve? I cant imagine, but who knows. Im hoping that something regular each night will make me feel that I contribute enough.
The other thing I vowed to do is to find at least some of the CBT books recommended and begin working on/with those. So. Im off to do both those things and get some work done.
I am planning to pick up my wedding pictures today at lunch. Im nervous!